SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/07/01: Red Ships of Spain



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Red Ships of Spain

Robert Goulet…..Will Ferrell
Wes Goulet…..Chris Parnell
Ken Goulet…..Alec Baldwin
Sheila Goulet…..Ana Gasteyer

Robert Goulet: “Red Ships of Spain
Red Ships of spain.”

Announcer: The voice is back.

Robert Goulet: “Red Ships of Spain
Will our love ever be the same?”

Announcer: Robert Goulet is Captain Ferdinand Pancho in “Red Ships of Spain”.

Robert Goulet: “Hoist the main sail and scuttle the jib
We won’t come home a fortnight
for reasons undetermined.”

Announcer: Yes, the majesty of Robert Goulet. The man “Time” magazine once mentioned. But that’s not all. Because, for the first time ever, Sir Robert Goulet is joined by his brother Wes Goulet as First Mate Sebastian El Corazon.

Wes Goulet: Ahoy, Matey!

Robert Goulet: Ahoy!

Announcer: Robert and Wes Goulet on stage together at last. It doesn’t get any better than this. Or does it? Because, for the next two weeks, older brother Ken Goulet will join his brothers as Tiagra, the pirate and spice trader.

Goulet Brothers: “Red Ships of Spain
Red Ships of Spa-ai-ai-ai-ai-ain.”

Announcer: Sandra Pelton of the San Francisco Chronicle writes: “I don’t think that this legally qualifies as theatre.”

Gil Jacobs of “The New York Times” says: “An absolutely horribleshow. It was opening night and two of the Goulet brothers were alreadyusing understudies.”

Diane Carbinal, “Cincinnati Dispatch”, writes: “It’s the mostupsetting experience I’ve ever had in a theater. The only time theaudience applauded was when I whipped a battery at the actors.”

Goulet Brothers: “And then we’ll return to Majorca.”

Announcer: With plenty of laughs for the entire family.

Robert Goulet: Where is my hat?

Ken Goulet: Is this the hat you were looking for? [ they laugh ]

Robert Goulet: Oh, Pirate!

Announcer: And plenty of adventure.

Robert Goulet: “Oh, there’s trouble a-brewin'”

Wes Goulet: “Adventure is stewin’.”

Robert Goulet: “This line has yet to be written.”

Ken Goulet: [ out of beat ] “Hoist the main sails and lash down the jib
Puncture the bullwarks and svuttle the crow’s nest.”

Robert Goulet: “Check the compass and oil the main engine.”

Wes Goulet: “Pay the dock fee and the weather radio.”

Goulet Brothers: “Before we get on the airplane.”

Announcer: And of course, a little bit of romance, with Robert Goulet’s daughter Shiela Goulet as the sexy Princess Consuela.

Sheila Goulet: Oh, Captain, I hunger for your loins like an old spanish castle.

Robert Goulet: “My dear love, I’m right here for you.
I battle the pirates and I’m here to feel
your gentle kisses in my chest hairs.”

[ moves to kiss her as she fends him off ]

Wait! Wait! [ breaking out of character ] I’ve had enough of gold and trinkets and jugs of wine!

Ken Goulet: What? Sergeant, you’ve gone crazy!

Robert Goulet: It’s Captain, Ken! And maybe you would know that if you’d memorized your lines instead of drinking straight Kahlua in the theater bathroom! You’re a drunk!

Wes Goulet: Easy, Robert. He never had the gifts you had.

Ken Goulet: Damn you, Robert! I should never have saved you from drowning all those years ago!

Robert Goulet: You’re a loser, Ken! That’s why I –

Ken Goulet: Oh! That was long overdue!

Robert Goulet: That’s it! Show’s over!

Wes Goulet: Bobby!

Announcer: Yes, it’s “Red Ships of Spain”. Book and score by an author who, due to an ongoing legal battle with Goulet Enterprises, will not be named in this advertisement.

Yes, “Red Ships of Spain”, the hot new musical at the Nedderland Theater.

Tony Dunchy from “THe Houston Dispatch” writes: “I really don’t think it occurred to Mister Goulet that he was playing a romantic sceneopposite his daughter.”

James Gund of “American Theater Magazine” writes: “True story: Ifell asleep during the production, and when I woke up was so convincedthat I was still dreaming, I got up onstage and walked around. The oddthing is the show is such an ugly mess that no one seemed to notice orcare.”

So go see it.

“Red Ships of Spain”.

Tickets start at $90, so see it today.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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