SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/07/01: Reliable Investments

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Reliable Investments

Investor…..Ana Gasteyer
Broker…..Alec Baldwin

[ presented in intercut split-screen/full-screen visuals, alternating Investor’s hotel room and Broker’s office ]

Investor: I’m considering the Reliable Dividend Growth Fund. What can you tell me about it?

Broker: The Reliable Dividend Growth Fund invests in companies with potential for first-time or increasing dividends. We’ve found they’re often a signal for companies in pretty good shape.

Investor: Dividends as an indication of financial health. That’s smart. What can you tell me about midcap, and midcap funds? Does Reliable have a midcap fund?

Broker: Oh, Reliable’s midcap fund generally invests in companies valued between 1 and 15 billion.

Investor: Suppose I wanted to buy an indivudual midcap stock instead of a mutual fund?

Broker: Well, that would be possible, depending on performance. It would offset the risk of your stocks and your portfolio. [ opens his office window and peers out ]

Investor: So, great. I could buy the funds, or go right into a stock.

Broker: [ jumps out of his window, yet remains on the line ] Reliable is one of the largest on-line brokers. You can click into our Smart Screen and start trading today.

Investor: Is there a map of the market?

Broker: They have everything you need, including up-to-the-minute quotes.

Investor: Great. I think I’ve learned something!

Broker: It’s a great time to invest!

[ show Reliable Investments logo ]

Announcer: To invest, call, click or visit Reliable.

[ sound of Broker landing on the ground with a thud ]

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