SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 04/07/01: Reliable Investments

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16


00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Reliable Investments

Investor…..Ana Gasteyer
Broker…..Alec Baldwin

[ presented in intercut split-screen/full-screen visuals, alternating Investor’s hotel room and Broker’s office ]

Investor: I’m considering the Reliable Dividend Growth Fund. What can you tell me about it?

Broker: The Reliable Dividend Growth Fund invests in companies with potential for first-time or increasing dividends. We’ve found they’re often a signal for companies in pretty good shape.

Investor: Dividends as an indication of financial health. That’s smart. What can you tell me about midcap, and midcap funds? Does Reliable have a midcap fund?

Broker: Oh, Reliable’s midcap fund generally invests in companies valued between 1 and 15 billion.

Investor: Suppose I wanted to buy an indivudual midcap stock instead of a mutual fund?

Broker: Well, that would be possible, depending on performance. It would offset the risk of your stocks and your portfolio. [ opens his office window and peers out ]

Investor: So, great. I could buy the funds, or go right into a stock.

Broker: [ jumps out of his window, yet remains on the line ] Reliable is one of the largest on-line brokers. You can click into our Smart Screen and start trading today.

Investor: Is there a map of the market?

Broker: They have everything you need, including up-to-the-minute quotes.

Investor: Great. I think I’ve learned something!

Broker: It’s a great time to invest!

[ show Reliable Investments logo ]

Announcer: To invest, call, click or visit Reliable.

[ sound of Broker landing on the ground with a thud ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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