SNL Transcripts: SNL Primetime Extra 2: 02/08/01: Celebrity Jeopardy


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Bonus Episode 2

SNL Primetime Extra 2

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Ozzy Osbourne…..Horatio Sanz
Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I apologize for what happened before the commercial, and would like to assure the audience that all three contestants are now wearing pants. That said, let’s take a look at the scores. Ozzy Osbourne has negative 79,000 dollars.

Ozzy Osbourne: All aboard! [laughs]

Alex Trebek: Fantastic. Martha Stewart has a commanding lead with zero.

Martha Stewart: Alex, I’ve transformed this simple game show podium into a rich cornucopia of winter flora, using dried figs and snow-tipped eucalyptus. I really treasure it.

Alex Trebek: Wow.. And, in third place, [sighs] Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: We meet again, Trebek. I noticed you weren’t able to sit down during the break. What’s wrong sweetie, did you have a date last night?

Alex Trebek: Thank you, Mr. Connery. Now let’s take a look at the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: Potent Potables, Drummers Named Ringo, States that Begin with Californ, Richard Nixon, The Number After Two, Famous Kareem Abdul-Jabbars, and finally, Don’t Do Anything.

[Connery buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: What is it, Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: Knock, knock.

Alex Trebek: Who’s there?

Sean Connery: Me, the guy who slept with your mother last night. [laughs]

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with Drummers Named Ringo for 400. And the answer is: This Ringo was the ‘Starr’ drummer for the Beatles.

[Stewart buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Martha Stewart?

Martha Stewart: I’m so terribly lonely.

Alex Trebek: I know.

[Connery buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Sean Connery, the drummer for the Beatles.

Sean Connery: Craven Morehead.

Alex Trebek: Who is Craven Morehead?

Sean Connery: Apparently, you are.

Alex Trebek: The answer of course is Ringo Starr. Mr. Osbourne, you get to choose.

Ozzy Osbourne: Chews? All right, I’ll take Charleston Chews for 60 millions!

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with Don’t Do Anything. The answer is: don’t do anything. Don’t ring your buzzer, just remain motionless and you all win.

[Osbourne buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Osbourne, you just lost.. Well, at least the two other contestants-

[Stewart buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Why did you ring your buzzer?!

Martha Stewart: Because that sound reminds me of a yellow-throated New England warbler.

Alex Trebek: Well congratulations Mr. Connery, you-

[Connery buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Why did you do that?!

Sean Connery: Because I hate you, Trebek.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, it’s your board.

Sean Connery: It certainly is, you beef-witted applejohn. Lookie what I did.. [made “Richard Nixon” read “hard on” ]

Alex Trebek: All right.. Fantastic. All right, let’s just end this. Final Jeopardy. The category is: You know what, I’ll tell you what, the category is Things You Like. Just write down or draw a picture of something you like. If you like circles, draw a circle. Mr. Osbourne could draw a Charleston Chew. Mr. Connery could draw me hanging myself. Anything at all. Well, let’s start with Ozzy Osbourne. He wrote… monkeys. Fine. That’s great, you like monkeys.

Ozzy Osbourne: No, I hate monkeys. They’re awful. I had a monkey one time, but he wouldn’t drink alcohol, so, I bit his bloody head off! [laughs]

Alex Trebek: There’s something wrong with your brain. Martha Stewart seems very confident. Let’s see what she wrote… absolutely nothing.

Martha Stewart: Alex, I’m filthy rich, I don’t need your chump change.

Alex Trebek: You’re playing for charity.

Martha Stewart: Screw ’em.

Alex Trebek: Please seek some counseling. And finally, Sean Connery, you wrote: Alex Trebek.. I-I can’t believe it.. Some-Something you like is me.

Sean Connery: Oh, laddie.. I know I’m hard on you but it’s all in good fun.

Alex Trebek: Well, I.. I don’t know what to say. Let’s see how much you wagered.. Sucks.

[Connery laughs]

Alex Trebek: I can’t believe I fell for that. So long from Celebrity Jeopardy, good Lord.

Submitted by: Pyro Falkob

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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