Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Bonus Episode 2
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Ozzy Osbourne…..Horatio Sanz
Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I apologize for what happened before the commercial, and would like to assure the audience that all three contestants are now wearing pants. That said, let’s take a look at the scores. Ozzy Osbourne has negative 79,000 dollars.
Ozzy Osbourne: All aboard! [laughs]
Alex Trebek: Fantastic. Martha Stewart has a commanding lead with zero.
Martha Stewart: Alex, I’ve transformed this simple game show podium into a rich cornucopia of winter flora, using dried figs and snow-tipped eucalyptus. I really treasure it.
Alex Trebek: Wow.. And, in third place, [sighs] Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: We meet again, Trebek. I noticed you weren’t able to sit down during the break. What’s wrong sweetie, did you have a date last night?
Alex Trebek: Thank you, Mr. Connery. Now let’s take a look at the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: Potent Potables, Drummers Named Ringo, States that Begin with Californ, Richard Nixon, The Number After Two, Famous Kareem Abdul-Jabbars, and finally, Don’t Do Anything.[Connery buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: What is it, Mr. Connery?
Sean Connery: Knock, knock.
Alex Trebek: Who’s there?
Sean Connery: Me, the guy who slept with your mother last night. [laughs]
Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with Drummers Named Ringo for 400. And the answer is: This Ringo was the ‘Starr’ drummer for the Beatles.[Stewart buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Martha Stewart?
Martha Stewart: I’m so terribly lonely.
Alex Trebek: I know.[Connery buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Sean Connery, the drummer for the Beatles.
Sean Connery: Craven Morehead.
Alex Trebek: Who is Craven Morehead?
Sean Connery: Apparently, you are.
Alex Trebek: The answer of course is Ringo Starr. Mr. Osbourne, you get to choose.
Ozzy Osbourne: Chews? All right, I’ll take Charleston Chews for 60 millions!
Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with Don’t Do Anything. The answer is: don’t do anything. Don’t ring your buzzer, just remain motionless and you all win.[Osbourne buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Mr. Osbourne, you just lost.. Well, at least the two other contestants-[Stewart buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Why did you ring your buzzer?!
Martha Stewart: Because that sound reminds me of a yellow-throated New England warbler.
Alex Trebek: Well congratulations Mr. Connery, you-[Connery buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Why did you do that?!
Sean Connery: Because I hate you, Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, it’s your board.
Sean Connery: It certainly is, you beef-witted applejohn. Lookie what I did.. [made “Richard Nixon” read “hard on” ]
Alex Trebek: All right.. Fantastic. All right, let’s just end this. Final Jeopardy. The category is: You know what, I’ll tell you what, the category is Things You Like. Just write down or draw a picture of something you like. If you like circles, draw a circle. Mr. Osbourne could draw a Charleston Chew. Mr. Connery could draw me hanging myself. Anything at all. Well, let’s start with Ozzy Osbourne. He wrote… monkeys. Fine. That’s great, you like monkeys.
Ozzy Osbourne: No, I hate monkeys. They’re awful. I had a monkey one time, but he wouldn’t drink alcohol, so, I bit his bloody head off! [laughs]
Alex Trebek: There’s something wrong with your brain. Martha Stewart seems very confident. Let’s see what she wrote… absolutely nothing.
Martha Stewart: Alex, I’m filthy rich, I don’t need your chump change.
Alex Trebek: You’re playing for charity.
Martha Stewart: Screw ’em.
Alex Trebek: Please seek some counseling. And finally, Sean Connery, you wrote: Alex Trebek.. I-I can’t believe it.. Some-Something you like is me.
Sean Connery: Oh, laddie.. I know I’m hard on you but it’s all in good fun.
Alex Trebek: Well, I.. I don’t know what to say. Let’s see how much you wagered.. Sucks.[Connery laughs]
Alex Trebek: I can’t believe I fell for that. So long from Celebrity Jeopardy, good Lord.
Submitted by: Pyro Falkob