Alec Baldwin…..Sgt. Jack Wilcox
Soldier #1…..Jerry Minor
Soldier #2…..Rachel Dratch
Soldier #3…..Will Ferrell
Soldier #4…..Darrell Hammond
Soldier #5…..Chris Kattan
Soldier #6…..Jimmy Fallon
Soldier #7…..Tracy Morgan
[ SUPER: “South China Sea: The Island of Hainan, April 6, 2001” ]
General: Okay, listen up, people. I’ve just come back from talking with our embassy, and I’m sorry to report, but the Chinese are not going to let us go yet, and it could be a while. Settle down. It looks like they will let us go eventually.. but they’re probably gonna keep the plane, so.. How did we do destroying vital information? Steve?
Soldier #1: Dylan and I were able to dump all code books, sir.
General: Great job, guys. Uh.. encryption?
Soldier #2: Uh, we think we knocked out 70% of our encryption, but time ran out.
General: Good enough. Digital tapes and hard drives?
Soldier #3: We destroyed everything, sir. They’d have to take the plane apart to get anywhere near that stuff.
General: Okay. Pretty good. For now, we just sit tight and wait. Like I said, it’s gonna be a long time.
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: [ moves forward ] Anyone wanna know what I think?
General: Oh, yeah.. I don’t think you had a chance to meet him on board. This is Sgt. Jack Wilcox, on loan from the Marines.
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Yes. Sure, we could sit around and wait.. or we could take them!
Soldier #3: What was that?
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: We could knock them out!
Soldier #3: [ confused ] The Chinese?
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: You’ve got a problem with that, Soldier?
Soldier #3: Well, there’s a billion of them..
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Those are my kind of odds..
Soldier #4: Where’d you get that gun? They strip-searched all of us.
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: I was keepin’ it nice and warm! You know, I’ve got extra clips, too.
General: Okay. That’s great. Hopefully, we won’t need to use force, but thanks for –
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: I’ve also got a grenade, a field radio, a Chinese-English dictionary, and enough cyanide capsules to take us all out!
Soldier #5: You keep all that up your butt?
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: [ steps forward ] That’s right, Fly-Boy! We’re not up in the air playing video games in that floating arcade you call a spy plane any more! We’re in my world now! And the way I see it, we can either relax in here for a few more days, or we can mount a counter-attack!
General: Alright now, let’s not talk about attacking anybody, okay?
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: You did your training, Soldier?
General: Most of us here were trained in an Intelligence Gathering.
Soldier #6: You know, like, computers.. stuff like that.
Soldier #4: Yeah. I speak six dialects of Mandarin..
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Surely, you all had basic training?
Soldier #2: Uh.. I stepped through some tires once. Is that what you’re talking about?
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: It’ll have to do. As we were coming over the island, I noticed an oil refinery about two clicks back! I’ll take four men, and we’ll hit it tonight! When you hear the blast, the rest of you take off for the south side of the island!
Soldier #3: No.
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: The Vice Squad will take out the plane and secure a boat! Lay low! Eat bugs and grass ’til we get back! Got it!
Soldier #7: [ eating out of a bowl with chopsticks ] Hey, hey, I’m not eating no bugs and no grass, man! Personally, I like this food they served us – I got some sesame shrimp right here!
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Oh, I get the picture. I know how you all feel. [ patriotic music plays over him ] War was a rough business. Women and college boys need not apply! When we signed on for this gig, we knew it wasn’t gonna be a cakewalk! We also knew we were signing up on the winning team – OUR TEAM!! Now, I don’t pretend to know who these Chinese people are – I know they’re small, maybe 1 or 2 feet high! I know they sound funny when they talk, I know the womenfolk have sideways vaginas! But underneath their scales, they’re just like you and me. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I can’t take on a billion of them..
Soldier #3: Yeah, you can’t.
Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Maybe with a little luck, I can pull this thing through and take this country! The American people don’t pay me to be a ballerina! They pay me to be a soldier! So! Who’s coming with me! [ no one moves ] So that’s the way it’s gonna be? Alright. [ weeping ] Just tell Shirley.. that I love her! [ runs toward the camera, arms extended, screaming as the screen freezes ]
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “Of course this is just a comedy sketch, there’s no way to know hat’s really happening in China right now. We can only hope for a peaceful solution, but maybe, just maybe, one man will take the whole country. Wouldn’t that be great! A Starbucks on every corner!”
[ fade ]