Classical Music Classics


Classical Music Classics

Spokesman…..Chris Parnell
Classical Music Singers…..Ana Gasteyer, Horatio Sanz, Will Ferrell, Maya Rudolph

Spokesman: Music’s greatest classical masterpieces are a treasure. Isn’t it a shame you can’t sing along with them? Well, now you can. Because Classical Music Classics has gathered all the greatest classical compositions of all time, and made them even better with the addition of random lyrics.

Classical Music Singers:
“Hey, man, I think you’re awesome
You’re relaly, really awesome
You’re awesome
We should ha-ang out!”

Spokesman: That was that the Primaveri passage of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, now known as “The Awesome Song”. At last, the lushness of Vivaldi meets the indescribably wonder of things being awesome! Yes, classical music just got beautifuler, thanks to the wondrous new lyrics of the renowned Teddy Hollimer. This remarkable young man has a hole in his face from huffing paint thinner, and his dad owns our company. That’s why you’ll get classics like this one, from Tchaikovsky.

Classical Music Singers:
“Dude, we gots to get sme Taco Bell
I’m really jonesing for a Maxi-Melt.
Four Chalupas for a dollar-ninety-nine
With any soft drink for a limited time!”

Spokesman: Absolutely timeless. It’s just as the great Ludvig von Beetoven said, “Music is never truly music, until somebody mentions Mexican food.” Beetover was truly a master, composing his brilliant 9th despite the fact that he was completely deaf. I’ll bet anything, he loved to masturbate.

Classical Music Singers:
“I called in sick to work
so I could stay home and stro-oke it.
I stroked it so raw it hurts
just to put on a pair of pants.
Holy crap, someone’s at the door
got to eject this porno tape..”

Spokesman: Ahhh.. well, they’re not all good. But they’re all in one wonderful collection. Classics like: Debussy’s “Clair de Lune” (The “Put Your Thumb In It” Song); Mozart’s “Piano Concerto No. 20″ (The Let’s Get The Dog High” Song); Handel’s “Water Music” (“Oh My God! They Killed Kenny!”); Muzorgksy’s “Pictures at na Exhibition” (The “Lyle Alzado Is Awesome” Song); Schubert’s “Ava Maria” (The “Lorena Bobbitt Rap”); and that breathtaking master work, Strauss’s “Thus Spake Zarathrusta”:

Classical Music Singers:
Smelt It
Dealt It!
Smelt It
Dealt It!
Smelt It
Dealt It!
Smelt It
Dealt It!
Smelt It
Dealt It..!”

Spokesman: Ahh.. the world’s greatest music. Made greater by a spoiled drug addict. Order now!

Announcer: Classical Music Classics. Just $19.99, plus shipping and handling.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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