Crazy Doctor

Crazy Doctor

Doctor…..Will Ferrell
Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Husband…..Darrell Hammond
…..Molly Shannon
Mr. Daverhill…..Jimmy Fallon
Mrs. Daverhill…..Renee Zelwegger

[ open on interior, Dr. Beaman’s office ]

Doctor: You sure you don’t want to use any drugs for the delivery?

Wife: Well.. we thought about it, and we really want to have a natural birth.

Doctor: Funny.. a couple of dopeheads like you.. I thought you would jump at a chance to get high illegally.

Wife: Excuse me! We are not drug addicts!

Doctor: [ twitches ] Huh? I’m sorry.. were you talking to me? Did you just tell me you thought I was attractive?

Husband: She didn’t say that!

Doctor: Let’s face it, chum.. the ol’ Ball and Chain is into OPP, if you catch my drift..

Wife: Hey! You are really..

[ Molly Shannon runs in dressed as a nurse ]

Molly Shannon: Doctor! The Davenhalls have been waiting for nearly an hour!

Doctor: Thank you, Molly Shannon! Send them in right away.

Husband: We’re not done!

Doctor: I’m terribly sorry. I double-book my patients so I can make more money and be happier with my life.

Wife: I think we want to switch doctors!

Husband: Yeah!

Doctor: [ stands ] Well.. knock yourself out, toots! But no one knows their way around your gyne-town like me!

Husband: You can’t talk to people like that!

Doctor: Well, I just did talk to people like that Now.. scoot! [ pushes the couple out of his office ] Scoot it! Move it on out! [ stretches his arms ] Alright.. that should clear my schedule for the day.. at last, a little Me Time! [ sits down ] Better call Beverly..

[ the Davenhalls enter ]

Mr. Daverhill: Hello!

Mrs. Daverhill: Hi, Doctor!

Doctor: [ looks up ] Oh.. it’s you.

Mrs. Daverhill: Is this a bad time?

Doctor: Frankly.. yes.

Mr. Daverhill: You scheduled this time..

Doctor: That is a lie, and you know it! [ sighs ] Since you’re here, let’s do this..

Mr. Daverhill: I wasn’t lying, I.. [ they sit ]

Mrs. Daverhill: Well, everything seems to be pretty good. I can feel the baby kicking!

Doctor: Maybe he’ll grow up to be a place-kicker! [ they all laugh at the joke ] ENOUGH!!

Mrs. Daverhill: Could you not yell like that?

Doctor: I have very upsetting and shocking news.

Mr. Daverhill: Oh, my God.. what?

Mrs. Daverhill: What..?

Doctor: After taking over 400 Polaroids of your Choo-Choo, I have detemrined..

Mrs. Daverhill: Excuse me.. what’s a “Choo-Choo”?

Doctor: Heaven on Earh, my friend! Some people call it the Love-Llama. Anyway, after taking several hundred photos, I came to a startling conclusion that’ll change your lives for- [ phone rings ] Hold on, this’ll just take a second.. [ answers phone ] Hello. What? Why, I’d love to change my long-distance service! Yeah. Now? No, now’s a great time for me! Hold on.. I’ve got call-waiting.. [ takes other call ] Hello? Bev-er-ly! My old friend! How are you? Oh, my God! I love Hungry, Hungry Hippos! No, I didn’t know they had tournaments.. What?! Third place! That’s fabulous! No, I’m completely alone right now. Please go on in great detail! Ohhh.. oh-ho-ho! Ahhhh! Eeeeee!! Ahhhh! [ Mr. Davenhall clears his throat to catch the doctor’s attention ] Please stop doing that! What’s that, Beverly? Yeah, I’ve got a couple of.. pieces of trash here in my office.. real stout..

Mrs. Daverhill: We can hear you!

Doctor: The guy’s got this bony oblong head. Mmm-hmm. The kind you’d paid money to kick! And the chick’s just an old-fashioned fatty, with a face like a rotten bee’s nest.

Mr. Daverhill: Hey, you know, come on!

Doctor: Gotta go, old chum. Gott go. See you at the races. And, oh yeah.. sorry about your loss! [ laughs uproariously at the in-joke ] Well, the police were never that bright anyways! Alright, bye now! [ hangs up phone, then begins to hum to himself ]

Mrs. Daverhill: Excuse me?

Doctor: [ looks up ] Aaagghh!! Who the HELL are you?! Molly Shannon! Help me! HELP ME!!

Molly Shannon: [ runs in ] What?!

Doctor: Call the police! There’s a couple of greasers here to rob me!!

Molly Shannon: Doctor, these are the Daverhills, you have an appointment with them, remember?

Molly Shannon: Ohhh.. I see. [ relieved ] Whoo!

Molly Shannon: Is there anything else, Doctor?

Doctor: No, I just thought they were greasers. Thank you, Molly Shannon, you are a delight!

Molly Shannon: As are you, sir! [ exits ]

Doctor: Now.. where were we?

Mr. Daverhill: You said you had some startling news for us..?

Doctor: What? Oh, yes! You’re not pregnant.

Mrs. Daverhill: [ stunned ] Wha..?

Mr. Daverhill: How is that possible?

Doctor: It happens all the time. One of your kidneys just happens to be shaped like a baby.. and then you started to get fat.

Mrs. Daverhill: But.. we heard the heartbeat, and..

Doctor: That was the bass drum from the Toto cover band that lives next door.

Mr. Daverhill: What are you talking about?

Doctor: I’ll be honest.. I don’t know.. My mind.. my mind is elsewhere.. I got in a traffic argument this morning. This woman must have been at least 80.. and I slapped her, pretty hard, in the face. And then I ripped all the groceries out of her car and threw them in the street, and backed over them with my Humvee. I feel crummy about it.

Mrs. Daverhill: Well, you probably shouldn’t do things like that..

Doctor: You SHUT that SMELLY MOUTH of yours NOW!! Or I’ll SLAP YOU!! There I go again..

Mr. Daverhill: What’s your deal?

Doctor: What’s my deal, Bucko?! I’ll tell you what my deal is! I’m gonna go KARATE on your FACE!! THAT’S my DEAL, HONCHO!! Huh?! Is that a good enough DEAL for you?! Huh?! Huh?!

Mr. Daverhill: [ cracking up ] Look.. I don’t want to fight you..

Mrs. Daverhill: I think my water broke! Yes, I am having the baby! Ho! That was a contraction! Oh, God!

Doctor: [ jumps out of his chair and screams like a little girl ] What are we gonna do??!! Boil some blankets! Get some tofu! Tape some old episodes of “Benson”! [ Molly Shannon enters ] Molly Shannon, what are we gonna do??!! Tell me this is a dream!

Molly Shannon: Everything’s gonna be okay! We’re gonna deliver a baby!

Doctor: [ screams ] The HELL I am!! BLOODY MUDER!! BLOODY MURDER!!

Mrs. Daverhill: Is he a real doctor?

Molly Shannon: No, he’s not a doctor, but he’s an absolute gentlemen. Now, come on, let’s get you to the hospital! [ leads the Daverhills out of the office as the Doctor continues to scream ]

Doctor: [ sighs relief as they exit ] That was a tough one! My dogs are barking.. [ sits, pulls socks off and props feet on desk ] Good God, what I put up with. Yee-ikes.

[ fade out ]

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