Crazy Doctor


Crazy Doctor

Doctor…..Will Ferrell
Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Husband…..Darrell Hammond
…..Molly Shannon
Mr. Daverhill…..Jimmy Fallon
Mrs. Daverhill…..Renee Zelwegger

[ open on interior, Dr. Beaman’s office ]

Doctor: You sure you don’t want to use any drugs for the delivery?

Wife: Well.. we thought about it, and we really want to have a natural birth.

Doctor: Funny.. a couple of dopeheads like you.. I thought you would jump at a chance to get high illegally.

Wife: Excuse me! We are not drug addicts!

Doctor: [ twitches ] Huh? I’m sorry.. were you talking to me? Did you just tell me you thought I was attractive?

Husband: She didn’t say that!

Doctor: Let’s face it, chum.. the ol’ Ball and Chain is into OPP, if you catch my drift..

Wife: Hey! You are really..

[ Molly Shannon runs in dressed as a nurse ]

Molly Shannon: Doctor! The Davenhalls have been waiting for nearly an hour!

Doctor: Thank you, Molly Shannon! Send them in right away.

Husband: We’re not done!

Doctor: I’m terribly sorry. I double-book my patients so I can make more money and be happier with my life.

Wife: I think we want to switch doctors!

Husband: Yeah!

Doctor: [ stands ] Well.. knock yourself out, toots! But no one knows their way around your gyne-town like me!

Husband: You can’t talk to people like that!

Doctor: Well, I just did talk to people like that Now.. scoot! [ pushes the couple out of his office ] Scoot it! Move it on out! [ stretches his arms ] Alright.. that should clear my schedule for the day.. at last, a little Me Time! [ sits down ] Better call Beverly..

[ the Davenhalls enter ]

Mr. Daverhill: Hello!

Mrs. Daverhill: Hi, Doctor!

Doctor: [ looks up ] Oh.. it’s you.

Mrs. Daverhill: Is this a bad time?

Doctor: Frankly.. yes.

Mr. Daverhill: You scheduled this time..

Doctor: That is a lie, and you know it! [ sighs ] Since you’re here, let’s do this..

Mr. Daverhill: I wasn’t lying, I.. [ they sit ]

Mrs. Daverhill: Well, everything seems to be pretty good. I can feel the baby kicking!

Doctor: Maybe he’ll grow up to be a place-kicker! [ they all laugh at the joke ] ENOUGH!!

Mrs. Daverhill: Could you not yell like that?

Doctor: I have very upsetting and shocking news.

Mr. Daverhill: Oh, my God.. what?

Mrs. Daverhill: What..?

Doctor: After taking over 400 Polaroids of your Choo-Choo, I have detemrined..

Mrs. Daverhill: Excuse me.. what’s a “Choo-Choo”?

Doctor: Heaven on Earh, my friend! Some people call it the Love-Llama. Anyway, after taking several hundred photos, I came to a startling conclusion that’ll change your lives for- [ phone rings ] Hold on, this’ll just take a second.. [ answers phone ] Hello. What? Why, I’d love to change my long-distance service! Yeah. Now? No, now’s a great time for me! Hold on.. I’ve got call-waiting.. [ takes other call ] Hello? Bev-er-ly! My old friend! How are you? Oh, my God! I love Hungry, Hungry Hippos! No, I didn’t know they had tournaments.. What?! Third place! That’s fabulous! No, I’m completely alone right now. Please go on in great detail! Ohhh.. oh-ho-ho! Ahhhh! Eeeeee!! Ahhhh! [ Mr. Davenhall clears his throat to catch the doctor’s attention ] Please stop doing that! What’s that, Beverly? Yeah, I’ve got a couple of.. pieces of trash here in my office.. real stout..

Mrs. Daverhill: We can hear you!

Doctor: The guy’s got this bony oblong head. Mmm-hmm. The kind you’d paid money to kick! And the chick’s just an old-fashioned fatty, with a face like a rotten bee’s nest.

Mr. Daverhill: Hey, you know, come on!

Doctor: Gotta go, old chum. Gott go. See you at the races. And, oh yeah.. sorry about your loss! [ laughs uproariously at the in-joke ] Well, the police were never that bright anyways! Alright, bye now! [ hangs up phone, then begins to hum to himself ]

Mrs. Daverhill: Excuse me?

Doctor: [ looks up ] Aaagghh!! Who the HELL are you?! Molly Shannon! Help me! HELP ME!!

Molly Shannon: [ runs in ] What?!

Doctor: Call the police! There’s a couple of greasers here to rob me!!

Molly Shannon: Doctor, these are the Daverhills, you have an appointment with them, remember?

Molly Shannon: Ohhh.. I see. [ relieved ] Whoo!

Molly Shannon: Is there anything else, Doctor?

Doctor: No, I just thought they were greasers. Thank you, Molly Shannon, you are a delight!

Molly Shannon: As are you, sir! [ exits ]

Doctor: Now.. where were we?

Mr. Daverhill: You said you had some startling news for us..?

Doctor: What? Oh, yes! You’re not pregnant.

Mrs. Daverhill: [ stunned ] Wha..?

Mr. Daverhill: How is that possible?

Doctor: It happens all the time. One of your kidneys just happens to be shaped like a baby.. and then you started to get fat.

Mrs. Daverhill: But.. we heard the heartbeat, and..

Doctor: That was the bass drum from the Toto cover band that lives next door.

Mr. Daverhill: What are you talking about?

Doctor: I’ll be honest.. I don’t know.. My mind.. my mind is elsewhere.. I got in a traffic argument this morning. This woman must have been at least 80.. and I slapped her, pretty hard, in the face. And then I ripped all the groceries out of her car and threw them in the street, and backed over them with my Humvee. I feel crummy about it.

Mrs. Daverhill: Well, you probably shouldn’t do things like that..

Doctor: You SHUT that SMELLY MOUTH of yours NOW!! Or I’ll SLAP YOU!! There I go again..

Mr. Daverhill: What’s your deal?

Doctor: What’s my deal, Bucko?! I’ll tell you what my deal is! I’m gonna go KARATE on your FACE!! THAT’S my DEAL, HONCHO!! Huh?! Is that a good enough DEAL for you?! Huh?! Huh?!

Mr. Daverhill: [ cracking up ] Look.. I don’t want to fight you..

Mrs. Daverhill: I think my water broke! Yes, I am having the baby! Ho! That was a contraction! Oh, God!

Doctor: [ jumps out of his chair and screams like a little girl ] What are we gonna do??!! Boil some blankets! Get some tofu! Tape some old episodes of “Benson”! [ Molly Shannon enters ] Molly Shannon, what are we gonna do??!! Tell me this is a dream!

Molly Shannon: Everything’s gonna be okay! We’re gonna deliver a baby!

Doctor: [ screams ] The HELL I am!! BLOODY MUDER!! BLOODY MURDER!!

Mrs. Daverhill: Is he a real doctor?

Molly Shannon: No, he’s not a doctor, but he’s an absolute gentlemen. Now, come on, let’s get you to the hospital! [ leads the Daverhills out of the office as the Doctor continues to scream ]

Doctor: [ sighs relief as they exit ] That was a tough one! My dogs are barking.. [ sits, pulls socks off and props feet on desk ] Good God, what I put up with. Yee-ikes.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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