Clerk #1…..Pierce Brosnan
Clerk# 2…..Jimmy Fallon
Customer #1…..Chris Parnell
Customer #2…..Chris Kattan
Customer #3…..Horatio Sanz
Boss…..Will Ferrell

Customer #1: Uh, pardon me, I’m looking for a nice pair of slacks for my son to wear at his high school graduation, and I read in Maxim that G-star pants are in this season.

Clerk #2: And when is Maxim going to be in season? When fedoras come back in style?

Clerk #1: Mmm, why don’t I wrap up a pair of G-stars for you and throw in an autographed picture of the cast of “Night Court”?

Customer #1: What the–? I’ll have you know that my son reads Maxim too, and he is hipper than you two will ever be.

Clerk #1: Yeah, yeah, he’s so hip he has his daddy buy his pants.

Clerk #2: Look, we work at Jeffrey’s, okay? We don’t carry G-star. We drink $8 cappucinos and chase them with $12 cappucinos. We get our hair glossed.

Clerk #1: Mmmm, we wear a different cologne every day of the week. I’m wearing ‘Monday’.

Clerk #2: I’m wearing ‘Friday’.

Clerk #1: (confused) What?

Clerk #2: I’m on London time.

Clerk #1: Oh, touche. (to customer) See, we work at Jeffrey’s. It’s our deal. Now, I’m turning my head away from you as you’ve taken 30 seconds of my life that I’ll never get back. (takes hand and turns his head).

Customer #1: But—

Clerk #2: (cuts him off) Yeah, we kind of need you to step outside our little invisi-sphere, okay?

Clerk #1: (as they make the outline of a circle around themselves with their fingers) Zzzzzzzip!

Customer #1: Fine, I’ll go to Loehman’s. (leaves)

Clerk #2: It’s official, we’re great.

Clerk #1: Mmmm, tell me something I don’t know.

Customer #2: Hi, I’m looking for something called Zeer blemish cream? (as Clerk #2 starts laughing). What? I was just looking for some Zeer blemish cream and undereye concealer?

Clerk #1: Concealer? Look, Benicio, the bags under your eyes need to be checked, because they don’t fit in the overhead compartment.

Clerk #2: People age, so go home, turn up your Sha Na Na, put in your “Diagnosis Murder” tapes, and wait for the crypt-keeper, we don’t carry your concealer.

Customer #2: What? No, I-I bought it here before.

Clerk #2: (laughing) We’ll have more products in the spring.

Customer #2: This IS the spring!

Clerk #1: Please, this is Jeffrey’s. Spring is in the winter here, and summer is in the fall.

Clerk #2: Air-five!

(they make the motions of a high-five)

Customer #2: Fine, thank you, I’ll go somewhere else. Thanks for your help. (leaves)

Clerk #1: Ugh, people should stop. (tries to stifle his laughter)

(from this point on, Brosnan and Fallon struggle not to crack up as they recite their lines)

Clerk #2: I don’t even know why they start.

Customer #3: Hi, I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m——

Clerk # 1: No.

Clerk #2: No, I don’t.

Customer #3: Come on, I was the guy who—–

Clerk #1 & #2: No.

Customer #3: But I just—-

Clerk #1 & #2: No.

Customer #3: But I—

Clerk #1 & #2: No.

Customer #3: But—

Clerk #1 & #2: No.

Customer #3: B—

Clerk #1 & #2: No.

Clerk #2: Look, I don’t remember my nightmares, and I don’t remember you. (he and Clerk #1 make mock frightened gestures)

Clerk #1: But I do remember that you’d be more comfortable at the mobile home expo in that jacket.

Customer #3: WHAT!? This is a genuine burgundy members-only jacket, with a “banded collar”!

Clerk #2: Members-only? What do you have to do to be a member? Break lawn chairs?

Customer #3: What are you trying to say, what, that I’m fat?

Clerk #1: What he’s saying, is that all-you-can-eat fried shrimp platter at Sizzler is not an appetizer, it’s not a lifestyle. (tries to stifle his laughter)

Clerk #2: I got it.

Clerk #1: Good, I’m so glad.

Customer #3: Yeah, well maybe you should go to Sizzler (laughs) and get an all-you-can-eat punch in the face!

(all three actors are DESPERATELY trying not to lose it at this point)

Clerk #2: Are you done? Now, why don’t you go back to where you usually shop? You know, where they have samples of cheese on toothpicks.

Clerk #1: Someplace where you can get your entire wardrobe, a rifle, and a portable basketball hoop all in the same aisle.

Clerk #2: Follow the blue flashing light.

Customer #3: REEEAAALLLYY?! For your_ informacione_, K-Mart is for losers! I get all my stuff at TARGET! (whistles, makes a circular motion with his index finger, then jabs it at the two clerks) B-oo–ing! (as they all crack up) Target, bro-bro! (as he saunters out of the store) See ya, suckas! Wouldn’t wants to be yas!

Clerk #1: Mmmm, that was close. We just came face-to-face with Mad Cow Disease.

Clerk #2: I wish people didn’t exist. I really do.

(Boss backs out of backroom on his motorized chair)

Boss: (stands) Gentlemen.

(beeping noise starts, they start checking themselves)

Clerk #1: Hmmm, it’s not my Palm Pilot.

Clerk #2: It’s not my Nexel Two-way.

Boss: It’s probably my e-mail (pulls out an ultra tiny laptop, electronic voice states “You’ve got mail). Mm-hm, it’s my e-mail. (puts on binocular glasses). It’s Chloe. No it’s Stella. Oh, no, she needs us. She’s in trouble. She’s leaving Chloe (electronic voice says “goodbye”)

(They gather up their things and try not to laugh)

Boss: Well, you two go ahead, and I’ll meet you there in two shakes of a Persian kitten’s whiskers.

Clerk #1 & #2: Bye. Toodaloo.

(they prance off. Boss drives his chair into the store centerpiece.)

(fade out)

Transcribed by: Camille McKenzie

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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