The Weakest Link
Anne Robinson….Rachel Dratch
Anne Robinsons father…..Pierce Brosnan
[ show contestants backstage before the show ]
Announcer: Here are the eight contestants who will take part in tonight’s show. One of them will walk away with up to $1 million. The rest will be voted off as “The Weakest Link”.[ show title, then dissolve to the game set ]
Anne Robinson: Welcome to.. “The Weakest Link”. Let’s meet tonight’s team. Halfwits, you may now grunt for the camera.
Dennis: I’m Dennis. I’m from Tallahassee, Florida. I’m a telemarketer for Grit Magazine.
Dale: I’m Dale, from Columbus, Ohio, and I own a gym.
Yvette: I’m Yvette. I’m from Dallas, Texas, and I’m a part-time DJ.
Carl: My name is Carl. I’m from Brooklyn, New York, and I’m studying to get my Stepman’s license!
Tamara: Hi, my name is Tamara. I’m from Austin, Texas, and I’m an associate sales rep for Herbalife.
Dan: Hi. I’m Dan, from Ohio, and I sell tie-dye on the World Wide Web.
Dashiell: My name is Dashiell, I’m from San Antonio, Texas, and I’m a counselor at a Christian boot camp.
R.J.: I’m R.J. from Forth Worth, Texas, and I’m a baggage handler at the St. Louis bus terminal.
Anne Robinson: Contestants like you make me realize that mandatory sterilization programs aren’t such a bad idea. We’ll start with Peahead #1 – that’s you, Dennis., Let’s play “The Weakest Link”. Dennis, in television, Ernie, Chip, and Uncle Charlie were regular characters on what 1965 sitcom?
Dennis: “My Three Sons”.
Anne Robinson: Correct. And, congratulations. It seems sitting around in your underwear watching Nick-at-Nite has finally paid off. Dale, in literature, which 1851 epic novel begins with the words “Call Me Ishmael”?
Dale: “Moby Dick”.
Anne Robinson: Correct. I can tell you’re quite familiar with the word “dick”.
Dale: Why.. why would you say that?
Anne Robinson: Yvette. In science, physicist Edward Lamb founded which instant film and camera company.
Anne Robinson: Correct. And, Yvette, speaking of roids, I wish I could get rid of you with some Preparation H! Carl.. who is so fat that when she backs up, she goes, “Beep, beep, beep”?
Carl: I-I-I dont know.
Anne Robinson: Your momma! Tamara.. in quantum mechanics, you are an ugly, ugly woman who is going to die alone and unloved.
Tamara: That wasnt even a question!
Anne Robinson: Correct! No question about it.
Anne Robinson: Dan.. Fred Flintstone called. He wants his head back.
Dan: Come on, now.. come on..
Anne Robinson: Dashiell.. are you a moron in a cage?
Dashiell: Of course not.
Anne Robinson: Moron on the loose! Moron on the loose! R.J. In Physics, can you hear this? [ holds middle finger upside-down ]
Anne Robinson: Then, let me turn it up! [ holds middle finger up straight ]
R.J.: That is just childish.
Anne Robinson: Well.. that is how we play.. “The Weakest Link”!
Dan: Hey.. why are you so mean?
Anne Robinson: Silence, monkey!!
Dennis: Honestly. Why don’t you help us out here? Why are you such an unbelievable bitch?
Anne Robinson: I.. I never thought about it before.. [ thinks back ] [ flashback reveals one fateful day in Anne’s childhood ]
Anne Robinson’s Father: My beautiful children.. my angels.. we love you all so very much. But as you all know, times are very hard and we cant afford to keep you all. And Anne, since you answered the fewest number of trivia questions correctly, you are.. “The Weakest Link”! Goodbye!
Young Anne Robinson: Mom! Dad! Wait! I’m not “The Weakest Link”! I’m not “The Weakest Link”![ zoom back to present day, Anne sweating ]
Anne Robinson: I’m not “The Weakest Link”! I’m not “The Weakest Link”! [ realizes the truth ] Well.. apparently, I’ve learned something tonight. It seems I have to make a date with a therapist. Goodbye![ fade ]