Pierce Brosnan’s Monologue
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Pierce Brosnan: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Thank you! Now, most of you probably know me from my most famous role as Dr. Angelo from the movie “The Lawnmower Man.” I can’t even walk down the street without somebody saying: “Hey Dr. Angelo! How’s your lawnmower, man?” Well, it’s so annoying. There is of course, one other role for which I am known. (Band plays 007 theme) Ah yes! Ah yes! Music to my ears!
(Enter Sean Connery)
Sean Connery: That music’s not for you, laddie. That music is for me. Bond, James Bond.
Pierce Brosnan: Hi, Sean. How are you.
Sean Connery: Didn’t expect to see me now, laddie?
Pierce Brosnan: Actually, I did. You’ve been following me for three years.
Sean Connery: Well I’m only trying to help. You’re on live TV now, Remington Steele. You’re not on one of you cushy movie sets. There’s no stunt doubles here, none of your pedicures or hummingbird tongue canopies or calf-skin toilet paper. This is danger and you’re neck-deep in it, nancy boy.
Pierce Brosnan: What are you talking about? Are you threatening me somehow?
Sean Connery: Don’t get your panties in a bunch, missy! I just wanted to talk man to man, but apparently we’re missing half the equation.
Pierce Brosnan: Sean, if you have a problem with how I play James Bond, you should just tell me, okay?
Sean Connery: Well, I’ll tell you a story, a parable, if you will. It’s about a man, roughly your height and build, who thought a lot of himself until his teeth were knocked out by a baseball bat held by me. The end. (laughs)
Pierce Brosnan: Ok, now I’ll tell you a story. A fable, if you will. It’s about a man roughly my height and build, who was being annoyed by and 80 year old Scotsman, so he shoved him down a flight of stairs. The end!
Sean Connery: Whoa! Well you’re alright, laddie. I didn’t know you had it in you. From now on we’re a team. Let me put it another way:
“Wherever we go,
Whatever we do…”
Pierce Brosnan: No! No singing.
Sean Connery: Fair enough. How ’bout we just meet after the show and kick the crap out of Timothy Dalton?
Pierce Brosnan: Sounds good to me! We have a great show! Destiny’s Child is here! Sean Connery is here! So stick around!
Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!