Mr. Tarkanian…..Will Ferrell
Job Applicant…..Pierce Brosnan
Female Employee…..Rachel Dratch
Male Employee…..Chris Kattan
Black Employee…..Jerry Minor
Scott Jurgenson…..Chris Parnell
[ open on interior, Mr. Tarkanian’s office, as he interviews a Job Applicant ]
Mr. Tarkanian: And we offer full benefits, and three weeks’ paid vacation.
Job Applicant: Oh? Three weeks? Wow!
Mr. Tarkanian: Yeah.. I’m not gonna lie to you, Kirk, you’re very high on our list, and we want you to work here very much. So, what do you think?
Job Applicant: I, uh.. I think I want the job.
Mr. Tarkanian: Fantastic!
Job Applicant: Oh, excellent!
Mr. Tarkanian: Great. So, we’ll give you a pass key, and assign you a desk and a parking space, and..
Female Employee: [ timidly approaches ] Excuse me, Mr. Tarkanian?
Mr. Tarkanian: [ angry ] Why are you interrupting me?!
Female Employee: Well, I just thought that..
Mr. Tarkanian: You thought?! You DO NOT INTERRUPT ME WHEN I AM BUSY!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!! I do NOT want you to pull this AMATEUR BULLCRAP, ALRIGHT?!! I’m a PROFESSIONAL! Do you HEAR me?!! Do you UNDERSTAND ME?!!
Female Employee: [ frightened ] Yes.. Mr. Tarkanian.. [ runs out of office ]
Mr. Tarkanian: [ returns to Job Applicant as though nothing had happened ] So, you should probably go to Personnel and get started on your paperwork..
Job Applicant: [ bewildered ] What, what was that about..?
Mr. Tarkanian: Oh.. oh, sorry you had to see that.. she can, uh, she can be a real bitch! [ laughs ] Hey, you’re timing is perfect – we’re having the company barbecue next month. I hope you like barbecues.
Job Applicant: Oh, I enojy barbecue quite a bit, actually!
Mr. Tarkanian: Good.
Male Employee: [ enters ] Here you are, Mr. Tarkanian, the new copy’s finished.
Mr. Tarkanian: [ looks it over ] Okay, you know what? I don’t know if I would have done this.. yeah.
Male Employee: Is there a problem with it, or..?
Mr. Tarkanian: [ stands ] You do NOT hand in CRAP like THIS!! This looks like you took a CRAP or a DUMP in the PRINTER!! You are SCUM!! I should FIRE you and BURN down your FRIGGIN’ HOUSE!! I am THIS close to RAPING YOU!!
Male Employee: I’m sorry.. [ exits ]
Job Applicant: [ tries not to laugh ]
Mr. Tarkanian: Office politics. Sometimes I think this place is like “Ally McBeal”.
Job Applicant: Is this.. is this how you deal with your employees?
Mr. Tarkanian: What?
Job Applicant: Uh.. I.. I’m not sure I want to work in this kind of environment.
Mr. Tarkanian: [ looks at his Secretary ] Hold on a second..
Secretary: [ tending a personal call ] Car accident?! Oh, my God, is he okay..?
Mr. Tarkanian: HEY!! HEY!! NOT ON MY WATCH!! NO PERSONAL PHONE CALLS!! ALRIGHT?! I SHOULD POUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH!! USE COMPANY TIME TO TALK TO YOUR DISGUSTING WHORE FRIENDS?!! NO!! [ hangs up phone ] YOU DO NOT DO THIS!! YOU DO NOT!! [ bitch-slaps her ]
Secretary: [ cries ]
Mr. Tarkanian: [ casually returns to his desk ] Hey-ey-ey! Just takin’ care of some business! You want to go out for a beer and celebrate?
Job Applicant: I-I-I don’t think I want to work here..
Mr. Tarkanian: Why? What’s wrong? [ Black Employee enters eating a donut ] HEY!! HEY!!
Black Employee: [ confused ] What is it, Mr. Tarkanian?
Mr. Tarkanian: [ stands ] Oh, thank you, that’s exactly the response I’m looking for! [ kicks Black Employee down ] Now, get up! GET UP, you CRAZY BLACK MAN! Im going to make you DRINK my PISS!! [ fumbles with his zipper ]
Black Employee: [ scared ] Hey, are you crazy, man?!!
Mr. Tarkanian: [ primal scream ] I am a STRONG man!! ANYONE in this office, take a RUN AT ME!!
Scott Jurgenson: [ enters carrying a trident and a net ] Mr. Tarkanian!! I am ready to take you!! I have been LIFTING WEIGHTS and doing COCAINE all day!! And I want a BIG PIECE of YOU, sir!!
Mr. Tarkanian: [ excited ] OHHHHHH!!! SCOTT JURGENSON!! I LOVE it!! I am ACTUALLY gonna MURDER YOU!![ Scott attempts to attack Mr. Tarkanian with the trident, but Tarkanian punches him in the face and seizes the trident away, then pushes Scott to the ground and stabs him thirty-three times with the trident, as Job Applicant watches in horror ]
Mr. Tarkanian: [ finished, nonchalantly returns to his desk ] Alright.. sorry to keep you waiting.. let’s get you logged on to your computer.
Job Applicant: You are a terrible, terrible man!
Mr. Tarkanian: Well.. I’m a stickler! We take a lot of pride around here. It’s not easy running the best – well, the fourth best – in-flight magazine in the business.
Job Applicant: I don’t really think I want to work here, thank you.
Mr. Tarkanian: Well, that’s a real shame. That article you wrote for Continental about Peter Falk’s favorite restaurants in San Fransisco really turned some heads around here.
Job Applicant: You just murdered one of your employees with a trident!
Mr. Tarkanian: You know what? Just work here, okay? Take some time to weigh the pros and cons. Pros: you’ll be working for a slightly-above in-flight magazine, for $22,400 a year; cons: me, kicking you ’til there’s blood in your stool, then grabbing your wife’s boobies while you’re tied up with a racquetball shoved in your mouth. Now, balance it out, and think about it..
Job Applicant: [ stands ] I just don’t think I want to work here!
Mr. Tarkanian: Fair enough. Ordinarily, I’d whip your nuts with a car antenna for that kind of callous attitude – but you thought about it, and you don’t want to work here. [ spots Secretary exiting the office ] HEY!! YOU GET BACK HERE!! [ chases screaming secretary out of office ] [ fade ]