Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
It was reported this week that during a conversation with friends, Bill Clinton complimented President Bush, calling him, “Far shrewder than many think, and a formidable politician.” Clinton then added, “But remember, I’m a liar.”
Jimmy Fallon: Jimmy Fallon: This week, the Pentagon banned the army from using Chinese made berets. In a more failed slap of the Chinese, the Pentagon also banned any alternative form of checkers.
Tina Fey: New York’s Taxi and Limousine Commission is looking to increase the fare from JFK airport into Manhatten from $30 to $35. However, for tourists who don’t speak English, the fare will remain $600.
Jimmy Fallon: The British army has allowed four female soldiers to get breast enlargements paid for by tax payers. It’s all part of the new policy implemented by the new head of the British Armed Forces, General Benjamin Hill.
Tina Fey: While speaking to conservationists this week, Dick Cheney made it clear that he plans to deal with the rising gas prices by drilling in our Federal Wildlife Refuge in Alaska. Cheney tried to sway his opponents saying, “Trust me, there’s enough oil up there to last us the rest of my natural life.”
Jimmy Fallon: While on a break taping the final Jeopardy episode of the season, host Alex Trebeck shaved off his trademark mustache, his trademark mustache of twenty years. Trebeck decided to make the change after last week’s Final Jeopardy answer, “This gay-looking know-it-all hosts Jeopardy.”
Tina Fey: Trebeck, he’s always re-inventing himself.
Jimmy Fallon: He’s like the Madonna of game show hosts.
Tina Fey: Yes.
As of Thursday, San Francisco has become the first US city to pay for sex change operations for municipal workers. Which may mean a cross-country move for this man: (show picture of Rudy Giuliani in makeup, blond woman’s wig, and flowered dress)
He loves drag, he loves to be in drag.
Jimmy Fallon: Pope John Paul II appealed to Vice-President Dick Cheney to spare Timothy McVeigh’s life. Reportedly, the Pope asked Cheney, “Is President Bush going ahead with the execution?” to which Cheney replied, “Are you Catholic?”
Tina Fey: The Arab gulf state of Bahrain is preventing single women from entering the country by refusing to give them visas. But I can tell you right now, treating single women like crap, will only make them like Bahrain more.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, we’ve all been very excited this week to have James Bond himself, Pierce Brosnan hosting the show. But no-one, and I mean no-one was more excited than our own Tracey Morgan.
(Enter Tracey Morgan, wearing a tuxedo)
Tracy Morgan: Thank you Jim. When I found out earlier today that James Bond was hosting the show, I had to ask him one question: When are you going to bounce and let a Brother be 007? I mean this is the year 2000, you know?
Jimmy Fallon: 2001, actually.
Tracy Morgan: Whatever. Check this out: Bond Lamont Bond.
Jimmy Fallon: Lamont Bond?
Tracy Morgan: Hey, I’m perfect for this role, man! As you can see, I’m styling like James Bond. I’ve also got a mussy-colored vest for car chases. And a red leather suit with Tweety Bird on the back-that’s for general elegance. I walk into some casino in Saint Monaco and step up to the Baccarat table and be like, “Put the tall on black.” (starts humming the tune to James Bond)
Jimmy Fallon: We get the idea. It’s the song, yeah we get the idea.
Tracy Morgan: I have to have my Bond girls, you know. L’il Kim, the beautiful Miss Beyonce Knowles, and my girl Star Jones, hahaha. You heard me baby! Lamont Bond is gonna be all up in your Lane Bryants! Hey! Dig it! Your Bond girl name’s gonna be “Back Door Galore!”
Jimmy Fallon: They can’t do that, they can’t do that.
Tracy Morgan: You know, I’ve got to have my spy gadgets. I already know a dude named Q, he live on my block, he gonna hook me up. Hey, check this out, Jim. (He takes out a pen) This looks like an ordinary pen right?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah?
Tracy Morgan: (Turns it upside-down) Turn it upside down, and the clothes come off, Jim! The clothes come off! (Starts humming a lewdy tune)
Jimmy Fallon: (Takes the pen away) Thanks a lot. That works.
Tracy Morgan: Now, there’s a couple of things that Lamont Bond is NOT gonna do. I’m not jumping out of no planes, hey, ’cause I’ve got a thing with heights. And I, I repeat, I do not swim! Okay? Hey, and you know what, I’m afraid of dogs! You tell them, no dogs, Jimmy! No dogs, dammit!
Jimmy Fallon: Alright, Lamont Bond everybody! Tracey Morgan!
(Tracey takes back the pen and starts humming a lewdy tune again.)
Tina Fey: Cannot swim. Does not swim.
At the twelfth Annual Glaad Media Awards for positive portrayal of gays and lesbians, Showtime’s Queerest Folk won for Best Drama and Will and Grace won for Best Comedy. So better luck next year to the zero other nominees.
Jimmy Fallon: Researchers have found that bottle-nosed dolphins can recognize their own reflections in mirrors placed in their tanks. The mirror study is part of the larger effort to identify and weed out vampire dolphins.
Scientists believe that the dolphins’ ability to use a mirror gives them a distinct advantage over Christina Aguilera. (Show picture of Christina Augilera in her most tacky costume possible)
Tina Fey: Kim Jon Nam, the son of North Korea’s dictator Kim Jon Il, was detained in Japan after he posed as a Dominican Republic citizen in order to sneak into the country. His brilliant plan to pass himself off as Dominican fell apart when customs officials looked at him.
Jimmy Fallon: A study by the World Wildlife Fund reveals that bottled water is not any safer or healthier than tap water, just more expensive. The announcement has triggered residents of Beverly Hills to go out and buy thousands of bottles of tap water.
Marshall Mather, the father of rapper Eminem said this week that he wants to reunite with his son after 25 years. Eminem’s dad said he’s desperate to rebuild their relationship, and has left a checking account number where he can be reached.
Tina Fey: Supermodel Cindy Crawford is furiously denying Shaquille O’Neil’s claim that he and Crawford have had sex. Although it is a bit suspicious that Crawford was recently torn in half.
Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Thanks to Minhquan Nguyen for this transcript!