The West Wing
President Bartlett…..Darrell Hammond
(On screen, opening for “The West Wing”, playing theme song)
Announcer: Tonight, television’s most acclaimed series presents it’s most anticipated show of the season. “The West Wing” episode written by Aaron Sorkin while high on mushrooms.
(Title: The Best thing I’ve ever written)
(President Bartlett and C.J. walking together down a hallway)
President Bartlett: Now, C.J., tell me again what group I’m about to address.
C.J.: You will be speaking to the American Library Association.
President Bartlett: And what is our position on libraries?
C.J.: We’re in favor of them, sir.
President Bartlett: You know, I don’t think I could get through this if I weren’t tripping on shrooms. Did you know I was high?
C.J.: I gathered that, sir.
President Bartlett: Would you like some? I got a shoebox full.
C.J.: No thank you, sir. I just took some ecstasy.
President Bartlett: Ah, ecstasy! Of course, in my day it was called MDA.
C.J.: So you’ve told me, sir.
President Bartlett: Did I ever tell you the active ingredient in mushrooms is cilocybin?
C.J.: Many times, sir.
President Bartlett: Ok.
(Josh and Donna walking together down a hallway)
Donna: Josh, do you have a minute?
Josh: Sure, walk with me.
Donna: I’m not sure how I feel about drug legalization. Would you tell me what to think?
Josh: Well, I just ate some mushrooms with the president about 20 minutes ago, so I’m not at my sharpest.
Donna: I just don’t get why tobacco is legal and drugs aren’t.
Josh: Stop talking logically, Donna. That sort of thing could lead to sensible public policy. Hey, Sam!
(Sam joins them)
Sam: Hi Josh! Here’s a fact: Did you know 100 million Americans die each year ’cause of smoking related illness, but there’s not one recorded instance of a death caused by hallucinogens.
Josh: Actually, I did know that, but thanks.
(All stop in their tracks)
Sam: Would you look at that!
(Image on screen of cats boxing)
Donna: That is so cool!
(President Bartlett, C.J., Toby and a man wearing a Native American costume walking together)
President Bartlett: Did I ever tell you that LSD was actually developed in an army lab?
C.J. & Toby: Many times, sor.
(Josh, Donna and Sam in front of a multi-colored background. All talking very slowly)
Josh: Are you alright? You don’t look so good.
Sam: I feel alright.
(Bartlett and man dressed in Native American costume enter)
President Bartlett: Whoa!
Sam, Donna & Josh: Hello Mr. President!
President Bartlett: This is my friend….(babbles incoherently)
Sam: Mr. President! Look!
(Image of flying saucer crashing into Capitol building dome. Explosion follows. Fade to black)
Announcer: Next week on “The West Wing.”
C.J.: (takes off glasses) What do you mean, the President can’t run again?
Toby: The President can’t run again for a simple reason: that he is melting. I saw the President melting.
C.J.: (looks shocked)
(Animation of two dinosaurs on screen, followed by a woman with scissors on her tongue, boxing kitties, and the scene from “Independence Day” when the White House is blown up by aliens)
Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!