The West Wing


The West Wing

President Bartlett…..Darrell Hammond
C.J…..Ana Gasteyer
Josh…..Jimmy Fallon
Donna…..Maya Rudolph
Sam…..Pierce Brosnan
Toby…..Chris Kattan

(On screen, opening for “The West Wing”, playing theme song)

Announcer: Tonight, television’s most acclaimed series presents it’s most anticipated show of the season. “The West Wing” episode written by Aaron Sorkin while high on mushrooms.

(Title: The Best thing I’ve ever written)

(President Bartlett and C.J. walking together down a hallway)

President Bartlett: Now, C.J., tell me again what group I’m about to address.

C.J.: You will be speaking to the American Library Association.

President Bartlett: And what is our position on libraries?

C.J.: We’re in favor of them, sir.

President Bartlett: You know, I don’t think I could get through this if I weren’t tripping on shrooms. Did you know I was high?

C.J.: I gathered that, sir.

President Bartlett: Would you like some? I got a shoebox full.

C.J.: No thank you, sir. I just took some ecstasy.

President Bartlett: Ah, ecstasy! Of course, in my day it was called MDA.

C.J.: So you’ve told me, sir.

President Bartlett: Did I ever tell you the active ingredient in mushrooms is cilocybin?

C.J.: Many times, sir.

President Bartlett: Ok.

(Josh and Donna walking together down a hallway)

Donna: Josh, do you have a minute?

Josh: Sure, walk with me.

Donna: I’m not sure how I feel about drug legalization. Would you tell me what to think?

Josh: Well, I just ate some mushrooms with the president about 20 minutes ago, so I’m not at my sharpest.

Donna: I just don’t get why tobacco is legal and drugs aren’t.

Josh: Stop talking logically, Donna. That sort of thing could lead to sensible public policy. Hey, Sam!

(Sam joins them)

Sam: Hi Josh! Here’s a fact: Did you know 100 million Americans die each year ’cause of smoking related illness, but there’s not one recorded instance of a death caused by hallucinogens.

Josh: Actually, I did know that, but thanks.

(All stop in their tracks)

Sam: Would you look at that!

(Image on screen of cats boxing)

Donna: That is so cool!

(President Bartlett, C.J., Toby and a man wearing a Native American costume walking together)

President Bartlett: Did I ever tell you that LSD was actually developed in an army lab?

C.J. & Toby: Many times, sor.

(Josh, Donna and Sam in front of a multi-colored background. All talking very slowly)

Josh: Are you alright? You don’t look so good.

Sam: I feel alright.

(Bartlett and man dressed in Native American costume enter)

President Bartlett: Whoa!

Sam, Donna & Josh: Hello Mr. President!

President Bartlett: This is my friend….(babbles incoherently)

Sam: Mr. President! Look!

(Image of flying saucer crashing into Capitol building dome. Explosion follows. Fade to black)

Announcer: Next week on “The West Wing.”

C.J.: (takes off glasses) What do you mean, the President can’t run again?

Toby: The President can’t run again for a simple reason: that he is melting. I saw the President melting.

C.J.: (looks shocked)

(Animation of two dinosaurs on screen, followed by a woman with scissors on her tongue, boxing kitties, and the scene from “Independence Day” when the White House is blown up by aliens)

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Nathan Cain
Nathan Cain
4 years ago

Do you know where I can a video of this skit?

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