A Message from the Vice-President of the United States
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Dick Cheney: Good evening. I’m Vice President Dick Cheney, here to talk to you about energy. Earlier this week I unveiled the outlines of this administration’s energy policy, a policy which, sadly, has been lacking during the preceding eight years. This policy recognizes America’s growing energy needs and the fact that if our economy is to prosper, energy production is going to have to be increased. Now, some critics have complained that our policy doesn’t place enough emphasis on conservation. A few have even suggested that this is due to the influence of the petroleum industry, which they claim prefers increased consumption to more conservation. This accusation, in my opinion, is ill-informed and does a real disservice to this administration. I’m sorry, that outburst was uncalled for and beneath the dignity of my office. But, as you can see, it’s difficult for me to comment on these charges with out flying off the handle. First, because my personal integrity has been questioned; second, because my entire life has demonstrated a deep commitment to energy conservation. In fact, even my political opponents have acknowledged that I am one of the lowest energy people ever to hold this office. This is not by accident.
See, some years ago as part of my own effort to reduce energy waste, I decided to make a rigorous, thorough analysis of my personality, mannerisms and speaking style, and to eliminate any and all unnecessary nods, winks, shrugs, hand gestures, head movements and tone modulations with the goal of making my personality one-hundred percent energy efficient. Since that time, I’ve steadfastly remained in what I call “Basic Service” or “Energy Saving Mode,” making exceptions only for my eldest daughter’s wedding and, of course, the physical act of making love.
The energy savings have been dramatic. Let me give just one example. In the course of an ordinary five-minute conversation, the typical adult male expends 61 calories a minute. For comparison, actor Roberto Benigni during his acceptance speech at the Oscars two years ago used 47,000. (laughs) I use 2.1. Now, you may ask, does this affect my ability to communicate effectively? Not at all. Even in “Energy Saving Mode” I can convey any human emotion a situation requires.
For example, here’s ELATION: (reading from a card) “Are you joking. I’ve won the 60 million dollar power ball. I don’t believe it. This is a dream. Don’t wake me up.”
Here’s PANIC: (reading from another card) “For the love of God, please, someone help me. A dingo’s got my baby.” Total calories expended: 0.006.
Now, perhaps you are asking yourself: Can I make my own speech this energy efficient? Absolutely. Everything you need to know is contained in one 30-minute tape: “Basic Service: Vice President Dick Cheney’s guide to a flatter, more monotonous speaking style.” It’s part how to and part motivational speech, although it’ll be a somewhat low-key motivational speech. It costs $29.95, but let me state for the record: the profits from this tape do not go to me personally. They go to the big oil companies.
That’s all I have to say. Thank you, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!