Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 19
00s: Lara Flynn Boyle / Bon Jovi
The Scarlet Letter
Reverend….Chris Parnell
Jedediah….Horatio Sanz
Hester Prynne….Ana Gasteyer
Young colonial….Jimmy Fallon
Steve….Will Ferrell
BJ….Lara Flynn Boyle
69….Maya Rudolph
3 Way….Rachel Dratch
Host….Darrell Hammond
[Classical music plays]
[ Caption: Premiere Playhouse ]
[Man in a suit sits on elegant library with a big leather bound book]
Host: Welcome once again to Premiere Playhouse. Tonight we present part three of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s classic tale of morality and hypocrisy “The Scarlet Letter”.
[cut to “The Scarlet Letter”. A woman bears the letter “A” in bright red on her chest. She is surrounded by the angry Town Elders]
Reverend: Hester Prynne, this scarlet “A” shall be a mark of your adultery and the enduring brand of your shame!
Jedediah: Know this woman! Henceforth, thou art shunned!
Jedediah and the Reverend: Shunned wanton woman! Shame on thee!
Hester Prynne: [crying] Have you no charity?!
Young colonial: Reverend, a strange woman approaches from the town by the river.
Reverend: What? Alone?
Young colonial: No, not alone, sir. She also bears a scarlet mark of shame on her breast.
Jedediah: Oh, well, she’ll find no welcome in this goodly town.
Reverend: As God is my witness! No one who wear a scarlet brand shall find sanctuary here!
Young colonial: She approaches!
[Young beautiful lady enters]
BJ: Oh, good men. [takes coat off and the letters “BJ” are branded on her chest in bright red] Pray help me.
Hester Prynne: I’m afraid you’ll find no help here. For–[pushed out of the way by the Reverend]
Reverend:[jovially] Hey, well, who have we have here?!
Jedediah: Looks like we got a new friend in town. Welcome! Welcome! Right?!
Hester Prynne: What?!
Reverend: Out of the way Prynne, can you see the lady needs help?
BJ: I have come so far and I am so weary. At any moment, I fear I may drop to my knees.
Reverend: [horny] Maybe…maybe that would be for the best.
Jedediah:[turned on] Yeah, sure, sure, yeah.
BJ: I am so grateful for your kindness. But I must be honest. I am no mere traveler. I have been shunned.
Reverend: What? Shunned? I mean, do people do that anymore?
Hester Prynne: [can’t believe it] Ahem! Hellooo?!
Reverend: But you must understand, we, the Town Elders must ask you, are you guilty of this crime of which you have been accused?
BJ: Oh, yes, yes. Many, many times! I can’t help myself.
Jedediah: [pensive] Hmm, I see. [goes to the young colonial and high five’s him and the other elders] Oh, yeeeeeeah!!!
Hester Prynne: Every sinner is given room to repent. Thou must beg for mercy and change your ways.
Jedediah: Ok, that’s enough out of you! Get out of here! [takes Hester out by the arm roughly]
Hester Prynne: What? Oh—
Reverend: Jedediah, go burn her or something. [to BJ] Now listen sweetie, you can stay the first week with me and then rotate.
BJ: So you accept me? Even with my scarlet mark of shame?
Reverend: Shame? What shame? Those letters don’t mean anything to us here.
Steve: [gay as hell,”BJ” on his chest too] Oh, I’m so glad to finally hear you say that! Its so good to be back, guys.
Reverend: No, Steve!
Steve: But you just—
Reverend: Noooo!!! Not you!
Steve: Well, have you changed your mind about this one? [takes off coat revealing the words “HJ” on his shirt]
Jedediah: No!
Reverend: No!
Steve: Then I guess I don’t need to ask about—[takes off shirt and has the letters “BF” on his undershirt]
Reverend: Absolutely not! Come on, back in the woods, Steve.
Steve: No!
[most of the cast cracks up with Will’s gayness]
Reverend: Steve, into the woods.
Steve: No!
Reverend: Steven!
Steve: Fine! [leaves]
Reverend: Now then, [to BJ] do you get high?
Jedediah: Yeah!
[back to the host]
Host: [sighs] Delightful. That concludes part three of “The Scarlet Letter”. Be sure to join us next week as the reverend is called upon to justify his righteous judgment.
[Back to “The Scarlet Letter”]
Reverend: You see, we had to kick Hester Prynne and Steve out because we can really only have one “scarlet letter” type person in this town.
BJ: Oh, that is so bad, see, I have met these two very unfortunate women on the road. And I wish that—
69: Pardon us, excuse us.
[Two ladies arrive. One with the number “69” on her chest and the other one with “3Way” on hers]
Reverend: [excited] Sweet sassy molassey! Where is the town that’s kicking these women out?! Welcome girls! Welcome!
Jedediah: Yeah!
[Town Elders get ready to party with the new arrivals. Cut to the host]
Host: That’s coming up in the next stirring installment of “The Scarlet Letter”. Here on the Spice channel.
[Spice logo]
[cheers and applause]
[fade]
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