SNL Transcripts: Lara Flynn Boyle: 05/12/01: The Scarlet Letter


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 19

00s: Lara Flynn Boyle / Bon Jovi

The Scarlet Letter

Reverend….Chris Parnell
Jedediah….Horatio Sanz
Hester Prynne….Ana Gasteyer
Young colonial….Jimmy Fallon
Steve….Will Ferrell
BJ….Lara Flynn Boyle
69….Maya Rudolph
3 Way….Rachel Dratch
Host….Darrell Hammond

[Classical music plays]

[ Caption: Premiere Playhouse ] [Man in a suit sits on elegant library with a big leather bound book]

Host: Welcome once again to Premiere Playhouse. Tonight we present part three of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s classic tale of morality and hypocrisy “The Scarlet Letter”.

[cut to “The Scarlet Letter”. A woman bears the letter “A” in bright red on her chest. She is surrounded by the angry Town Elders]

Reverend: Hester Prynne, this scarlet “A” shall be a mark of your adultery and the enduring brand of your shame!

Jedediah: Know this woman! Henceforth, thou art shunned!

Jedediah and the Reverend: Shunned wanton woman! Shame on thee!

Hester Prynne: [crying] Have you no charity?!

Young colonial: Reverend, a strange woman approaches from the town by the river.

Reverend: What? Alone?

Young colonial: No, not alone, sir. She also bears a scarlet mark of shame on her breast.

Jedediah: Oh, well, she’ll find no welcome in this goodly town.

Reverend: As God is my witness! No one who wear a scarlet brand shall find sanctuary here!

Young colonial: She approaches!

[Young beautiful lady enters]

BJ: Oh, good men. [takes coat off and the letters “BJ” are branded on her chest in bright red] Pray help me.

Hester Prynne: I’m afraid you’ll find no help here. For–[pushed out of the way by the Reverend]

Reverend:[jovially] Hey, well, who have we have here?!

Jedediah: Looks like we got a new friend in town. Welcome! Welcome! Right?!

Hester Prynne: What?!

Reverend: Out of the way Prynne, can you see the lady needs help?

BJ: I have come so far and I am so weary. At any moment, I fear I may drop to my knees.

Reverend: [horny] Maybe…maybe that would be for the best.

Jedediah:[turned on] Yeah, sure, sure, yeah.

BJ: I am so grateful for your kindness. But I must be honest. I am no mere traveler. I have been shunned.

Reverend: What? Shunned? I mean, do people do that anymore?

Hester Prynne: [can’t believe it] Ahem! Hellooo?!

Reverend: But you must understand, we, the Town Elders must ask you, are you guilty of this crime of which you have been accused?

BJ: Oh, yes, yes. Many, many times! I can’t help myself.

Jedediah: [pensive] Hmm, I see. [goes to the young colonial and high five’s him and the other elders] Oh, yeeeeeeah!!!

Hester Prynne: Every sinner is given room to repent. Thou must beg for mercy and change your ways.

Jedediah: Ok, that’s enough out of you! Get out of here! [takes Hester out by the arm roughly]

Hester Prynne: What? Oh—

Reverend: Jedediah, go burn her or something. [to BJ] Now listen sweetie, you can stay the first week with me and then rotate.

BJ: So you accept me? Even with my scarlet mark of shame?

Reverend: Shame? What shame? Those letters don’t mean anything to us here.

Steve: [gay as hell,”BJ” on his chest too] Oh, I’m so glad to finally hear you say that! Its so good to be back, guys.

Reverend: No, Steve!

Steve: But you just—

Reverend: Noooo!!! Not you!

Steve: Well, have you changed your mind about this one? [takes off coat revealing the words “HJ” on his shirt]

Jedediah: No!

Reverend: No!

Steve: Then I guess I don’t need to ask about—[takes off shirt and has the letters “BF” on his undershirt]

Reverend: Absolutely not! Come on, back in the woods, Steve.

Steve: No!

[most of the cast cracks up with Will’s gayness]

Reverend: Steve, into the woods.

Steve: No!

Reverend: Steven!

Steve: Fine! [leaves]

Reverend: Now then, [to BJ] do you get high?

Jedediah: Yeah!

[back to the host]

Host: [sighs] Delightful. That concludes part three of “The Scarlet Letter”. Be sure to join us next week as the reverend is called upon to justify his righteous judgment.

[Back to “The Scarlet Letter”]

Reverend: You see, we had to kick Hester Prynne and Steve out because we can really only have one “scarlet letter” type person in this town.

BJ: Oh, that is so bad, see, I have met these two very unfortunate women on the road. And I wish that—

69: Pardon us, excuse us.

[Two ladies arrive. One with the number “69” on her chest and the other one with “3Way” on hers]

Reverend: [excited] Sweet sassy molassey! Where is the town that’s kicking these women out?! Welcome girls! Welcome!

Jedediah: Yeah!

[Town Elders get ready to party with the new arrivals. Cut to the host]

Host: That’s coming up in the next stirring installment of “The Scarlet Letter”. Here on the Spice channel.

[Spice logo] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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