Save The Starving Actresses


Save The Starving Actresses

…..Lara Flynn Boyle

Lara Flynn Boyle: Hi. I’m Lara Flynn Boyle, and I wanted to take a moment of your time to discuss a very important issue. For the last two years, I have devoted myself to a cause that has touched my life. It is a foundation called Save the Starving Actresses.. and we desperately need your help. For just the price of a cup of coffee, you can buy Courtney Cox.. a cup of coffee. And, believe me, it would be a wonderful start. For as little as seven cents a day, you can sponsor a starving actress.

Here is little Calista. Calista lives in a remote part of Los Angeles where the only nourishment available to her is bottled water and David E. Kelley’s approval. But, thanks to the Starving Actresses Foundation, Calista has been receiving shipments of the food she so desperately needs – foods like Pam, Snackwells and Marlboro Lights.

And I am much more than just a spokesperson for the charity. SSAF has saved my life. This is me six months ago. [ shows picture of herself ] I know it is hard to look at, but please don’t turn away. This story does have a happy ending. This is me now. [ shows second picture with little difference ] I feel so much better.. my teeth aren’t soft anymore. The volunteers at SSAF are specially trained in what we call “Covert Nutrition”. For example, you can’t just walk up to Sarah Jessica Parker and hand her a sandwich. The poor thing wouldn’t know what to do. That’s why SSAF has developed techniques like: putting butter on the back of Renee Zelwegger’s postage stamps; soaking Portia de Rossi’s Altoids in bacon fat; or, in my case, dipping Jack Nicholson in thousand island dressing,

We are making progress, but our problem isn’t going away. Don’t wait until Jennifer Aniston falls through a subway grate. Please, pick up the phone now. If you choose to become a sponsor, you will receive a letter from your actress, and an update of her progress. I personally still write to my sponsor: [ reads letter ] “Dear Mrs. Johnson, thank you so much for the Fruit Roll Ups. I wore them to the Golden Globes.” Please, please, won’t you please Save the Starving Actresses. It is a cause that is so close to my heart. Of course, my nipples are close to my heart. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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