Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Lou Reed

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

In an interview with CNN this week, Dick Cheney said he may need more heart surgery. Cheney says his doctors have advised him to cut out all red meat, avoid stress, and drop the extra 175 pounds that have been weighing him down.
[ show picture of President George W. Bush ]

Officials say that a number of London’s historic buildings are being severely eroded by people urinating on them. Meanwhile, experts have determined that Manhatten was once the size of South America.

Massachusetts governor Jane Swift is making history as the first governor to be pregnant while in office. Swift said she’s extremely excited, happy, sad, nauseous, angry, depressed, and happy again.

Millionaire space tourist Dennis Tito returned to Earth Wednesday after a week in space with Russian cosmonauts. For his $20 million, Tito got to make history, take the ride of a lifetime, and learn the Russian phrase for “Don’t touch that, idiot!”

Toymakers Mattel announced this week that they are releasing a Cher doll. The doll is 8″ tall, fully poseable, and made of the same sturdy plastic used to make Cher.

A bill to allow pet ferrets in New York City was passed by the City Council Wednesday, and now must be approved by Mayor Rudy Guiliani – or, as he is known in the ferret world: Our Fearless Leader.

Research is being conducted on the world’s first contraceptive patch for women. The patch is approximatly 3″ in diameter, and reads, “Get Off Me!”

Jimmy Fallon: Recently, an e-mail message has been spread claiming that one of the legendary leaders of the punk movement, and lead singer of the Velvet Underground, Lou Reed, is dead. Here to put an end to any confusion, is Lou Reed. Lou, thanks for coming..

Lou Reed: Uh, what’s your name – Vance?

Jimmy Fallon: It’s Jimmy, actually. Do you have any idea how this Internet rumor got started?

Lou Reed: Well, I’m dead, I haven’t been around..

Jimmy Fallon: Right. Now, are you sure that you’re dead?

Lou Reed: [ feels his face ] I’m positive. I haven’t been this dead in a while.

Jimmy Fallon: Could you have been mistaken, maybe?

Lou Reed: No, I’m positive. I’m dead.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, you’re a good man, Lou.. I just wish I could have told you that when you were alive..

Lou Reed: Maybe you could e-mail me.

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you. Lou Reed, everybody, the late Lou Reed.

Research by their Royal School of Vetinary Studies show that dogs often get sick and many may be allergic to their owners. However, my research suggests that dogs are often sick because they stay up way too late playing Poker.
[ show picture of “Dogs Playing Poker” print ]

The Florida Legislature this week approved a $32 million program to modernize the state’s voting equipment. Florida Governor Jeb Bush said the new machines are “so accurate and easy to use, there is no way I’m getting re-eelected.”

An Arizona company is selling a scratch-and-sniff test to screen Alzheimer’s Disease. Apparently, if you scratch the panel but then forget to sniff, you’ve got Alzheimer’s.

Cliff Hilgas, the creator of Cliff Notes, died Saturday at his home in Liincoln, Nebraska at the age of 83. Services will be held Sunday from 2:00 to 2:05.

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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