Badger Up His Butt
[ open on Brenda giving a bath mat presentation ]
Brenda: So.. if my indicators are correct, our new Taj Mahal bath mat line is gonna be a big seller in our two target areas – the midwest, and the lower midwest. [ Nat claps sarcastically ] Is there a problem, Nat?
Nat: With you? Yeah.
Jerry: Come on, Nat. Brenda really worked hard on this.
Nat: People, we are the Number Two bath mat manufacturer in the U.S., okay? Our clients have come to expect quality bath mats. And you guys just blew it. [ stands ] Now, if you need me, I’ll be in my office – but please don’t need me. [ exits ]
Brenda: Wow. What has crawled up his butt?
Jerry: Yeah. That was ridiculous.
Chris: [ enters ] I just passed Nat Turnerson in the hall – can somebody tell me what has crawled up his butt?
Brenda: I know! That’s what I just said!
Jerry: Maybe he’s stressed out.
Rachel: He shouldn’t be – he just took a vacation.
Chris: A lot of good it did him.
Nat: [ re-enters ] Tell me – what is up with this mat? Is this the best this company can do? This is humiliating! I pay you.. for one thing.. to make the flattest, most affordable.. sweet mother of Mary! ..most absorbent floor quality fabric on the market, period! Oh, good God!! Help me!!
Chris: You know, Nat, some of us worked really hard on that campaign.
Rachel: Yeah, I was here ’til 5:00 this morning.
Brenda: Really, Nat, what has crawled up your butt?
Nat: Nothing! .. Good Lord! [ collapses onto the table ]
Brenda: Oh, my God!! Somebody call 911!!
[ cut to ambulance rushing Nat to the hospital ]
[ cut to Nat sitting in a hospital bed, surrounded by his co-workers and his doctor ]
Brenda: Nat, are you okay?
Nat: Hey, guys. I’m fine.
Chris: Doctor, what was wrong with him?
Doctor: Nat, here, was admitted with severe trauma to his butt.
Brenda: Do you mean –
Doctor: Yes, I do. Something has crawled up into it.
Jerry: Oh, my God! What was it?
Doctor: According to the X-rays, and my.. limited knowledge of wildlife, it appears to be a badger.
Brenda: A badger? Is that even possible?
Doctor: Apparently, it is.
Nat: I guess it happened on that camping trip I took last week..
[ flashback begins ]
[ camera shows a badger’s point of view, as he runs straight into Nat’s butt ]
Nat: [ startled ] What was that?!
[ birds and other wildlife scatter as the badger makes contact ]
[ flash back to the hospital scene ]
Jerry: So, did you get it out?
Doctor: I’m afraid not. At this juncture, surgery would be too risky for the badger.
Jerry: So what are you going to do now?
Doctor: We’re hoping to hold tight.. and hope the badger can turn around and find his way out. Until then.. all we can prescribe are painkillers and badger food.
Chris: Are you serious?
Doctor: Of course not. [ everyone laughs ] Painkillers.. could be risky for the badger. There’s one other option – we throw Nat in the back of my van.. and we all head back to my place.. put on some soft music, turn down the lights.. maybe a few candles.. I’ll whip up a Yankee pot roast.. which.. we will place next to Nat’s tailpipe. If there’s one thing a badger can’t resist.. it’s soft music, candlelight, and a pot roast.
Brenda: That almost sounds romantic.
Doctor: Believe me, it isn’t. When the badger smells that pot roast, he’s going to tear right on out of there. It’s hard to watch. [ pause ] Everybody ready? Let’s go! Come on! Give me a hand with this big guy!
[ everyone helps the Doctor remove Nat from the hospital room, as the scene fades to close ]