Badger Up His Butt

Badger Up His Butt

Brenda…..Ana Gasteyer
Nat…..Will Ferrell
Jerry…..Jerry Minor
Chris…..Chris Parnell
Rachel…..Rachel Dratch
Doctor…..Christopher Walken

[ open on Brenda giving a bath mat presentation ]

Brenda: So.. if my indicators are correct, our new Taj Mahal bath mat line is gonna be a big seller in our two target areas – the midwest, and the lower midwest. [ Nat claps sarcastically ] Is there a problem, Nat?

Nat: With you? Yeah.

Jerry: Come on, Nat. Brenda really worked hard on this.

Nat: People, we are the Number Two bath mat manufacturer in the U.S., okay? Our clients have come to expect quality bath mats. And you guys just blew it. [ stands ] Now, if you need me, I’ll be in my office – but please don’t need me. [ exits ]

Brenda: Wow. What has crawled up his butt?

Jerry: Yeah. That was ridiculous.

Chris: [ enters ] I just passed Nat Turnerson in the hall – can somebody tell me what has crawled up his butt?

Brenda: I know! That’s what I just said!

Jerry: Maybe he’s stressed out.

Rachel: He shouldn’t be – he just took a vacation.

Chris: A lot of good it did him.

Nat: [ re-enters ] Tell me – what is up with this mat? Is this the best this company can do? This is humiliating! I pay you.. for one thing.. to make the flattest, most affordable.. sweet mother of Mary! ..most absorbent floor quality fabric on the market, period! Oh, good God!! Help me!!

Chris: You know, Nat, some of us worked really hard on that campaign.

Rachel: Yeah, I was here ’til 5:00 this morning.

Brenda: Really, Nat, what has crawled up your butt?

Nat: Nothing! .. Good Lord! [ collapses onto the table ]

Brenda: Oh, my God!! Somebody call 911!!

[ cut to ambulance rushing Nat to the hospital ] [ cut to Nat sitting in a hospital bed, surrounded by his co-workers and his doctor ]

Brenda: Nat, are you okay?

Nat: Hey, guys. I’m fine.

Chris: Doctor, what was wrong with him?

Doctor: Nat, here, was admitted with severe trauma to his butt.

Brenda: Do you mean –

Doctor: Yes, I do. Something has crawled up into it.

Jerry: Oh, my God! What was it?

Doctor: According to the X-rays, and my.. limited knowledge of wildlife, it appears to be a badger.

Brenda: A badger? Is that even possible?

Doctor: Apparently, it is.

Nat: I guess it happened on that camping trip I took last week..

[ flashback begins ] [ camera shows a badger’s point of view, as he runs straight into Nat’s butt ]

Nat: [ startled ] What was that?!

[ birds and other wildlife scatter as the badger makes contact ] [ flash back to the hospital scene ]

Jerry: So, did you get it out?

Doctor: I’m afraid not. At this juncture, surgery would be too risky for the badger.

Jerry: So what are you going to do now?

Doctor: We’re hoping to hold tight.. and hope the badger can turn around and find his way out. Until then.. all we can prescribe are painkillers and badger food.

Chris: Are you serious?

Doctor: Of course not. [ everyone laughs ] Painkillers.. could be risky for the badger. There’s one other option – we throw Nat in the back of my van.. and we all head back to my place.. put on some soft music, turn down the lights.. maybe a few candles.. I’ll whip up a Yankee pot roast.. which.. we will place next to Nat’s tailpipe. If there’s one thing a badger can’t resist.. it’s soft music, candlelight, and a pot roast.

Brenda: That almost sounds romantic.

Doctor: Believe me, it isn’t. When the badger smells that pot roast, he’s going to tear right on out of there. It’s hard to watch. [ pause ] Everybody ready? Let’s go! Come on! Give me a hand with this big guy!

[ everyone helps the Doctor remove Nat from the hospital room, as the scene fades to close ]

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