Badger Up His Butt


Badger Up His Butt

Brenda…..Ana Gasteyer
Nat…..Will Ferrell
Jerry…..Jerry Minor
Chris…..Chris Parnell
Rachel…..Rachel Dratch
Doctor…..Christopher Walken

[ open on Brenda giving a bath mat presentation ]

Brenda: So.. if my indicators are correct, our new Taj Mahal bath mat line is gonna be a big seller in our two target areas – the midwest, and the lower midwest. [ Nat claps sarcastically ] Is there a problem, Nat?

Nat: With you? Yeah.

Jerry: Come on, Nat. Brenda really worked hard on this.

Nat: People, we are the Number Two bath mat manufacturer in the U.S., okay? Our clients have come to expect quality bath mats. And you guys just blew it. [ stands ] Now, if you need me, I’ll be in my office – but please don’t need me. [ exits ]

Brenda: Wow. What has crawled up his butt?

Jerry: Yeah. That was ridiculous.

Chris: [ enters ] I just passed Nat Turnerson in the hall – can somebody tell me what has crawled up his butt?

Brenda: I know! That’s what I just said!

Jerry: Maybe he’s stressed out.

Rachel: He shouldn’t be – he just took a vacation.

Chris: A lot of good it did him.

Nat: [ re-enters ] Tell me – what is up with this mat? Is this the best this company can do? This is humiliating! I pay you.. for one thing.. to make the flattest, most affordable.. sweet mother of Mary! ..most absorbent floor quality fabric on the market, period! Oh, good God!! Help me!!

Chris: You know, Nat, some of us worked really hard on that campaign.

Rachel: Yeah, I was here ’til 5:00 this morning.

Brenda: Really, Nat, what has crawled up your butt?

Nat: Nothing! .. Good Lord! [ collapses onto the table ]

Brenda: Oh, my God!! Somebody call 911!!

[ cut to ambulance rushing Nat to the hospital ] [ cut to Nat sitting in a hospital bed, surrounded by his co-workers and his doctor ]

Brenda: Nat, are you okay?

Nat: Hey, guys. I’m fine.

Chris: Doctor, what was wrong with him?

Doctor: Nat, here, was admitted with severe trauma to his butt.

Brenda: Do you mean –

Doctor: Yes, I do. Something has crawled up into it.

Jerry: Oh, my God! What was it?

Doctor: According to the X-rays, and my.. limited knowledge of wildlife, it appears to be a badger.

Brenda: A badger? Is that even possible?

Doctor: Apparently, it is.

Nat: I guess it happened on that camping trip I took last week..

[ flashback begins ] [ camera shows a badger’s point of view, as he runs straight into Nat’s butt ]

Nat: [ startled ] What was that?!

[ birds and other wildlife scatter as the badger makes contact ] [ flash back to the hospital scene ]

Jerry: So, did you get it out?

Doctor: I’m afraid not. At this juncture, surgery would be too risky for the badger.

Jerry: So what are you going to do now?

Doctor: We’re hoping to hold tight.. and hope the badger can turn around and find his way out. Until then.. all we can prescribe are painkillers and badger food.

Chris: Are you serious?

Doctor: Of course not. [ everyone laughs ] Painkillers.. could be risky for the badger. There’s one other option – we throw Nat in the back of my van.. and we all head back to my place.. put on some soft music, turn down the lights.. maybe a few candles.. I’ll whip up a Yankee pot roast.. which.. we will place next to Nat’s tailpipe. If there’s one thing a badger can’t resist.. it’s soft music, candlelight, and a pot roast.

Brenda: That almost sounds romantic.

Doctor: Believe me, it isn’t. When the badger smells that pot roast, he’s going to tear right on out of there. It’s hard to watch. [ pause ] Everybody ready? Let’s go! Come on! Give me a hand with this big guy!

[ everyone helps the Doctor remove Nat from the hospital room, as the scene fades to close ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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