Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Bob Barr…..Chris Parnell
Paul Begala…..Chris Kattan
Christine Whitman…..Ana Gasteyer

Chris Matthews: [ yelling ] Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! The energy crisis rambles on, rolling blackouts, and California gas prices as high as two-forty gallon! Will a solution come from drilling in protected lands! Will it come from alternative energy sources! Or, how about this geniuses – maybe it’ll come from not filling your Chevy Suburban with forty gallons of premium so you can drive to the CBS for a Whitman’s Sampler and a pair of toenail clippers!! You gas-drunk hypocrites! With me today, Republican Congressman of Georgia, Bob Barr.

Bob Barr: Nice to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Also joining us is former Clinton advisor and albino smurf, Paul Begala!

Paul Begala: [ with wide-eyed smile ] Now, Chris, why would you want to insult me right off the..

Chris Matthews: Shut it!! Congressman, why should we open these wildlife reserves to oil drilling! Don’t the cons outweigh the benefits!

Bob Barr: Absolutely not! The Alaskan reserve has enough oil to run this country for six whole months! Now, just imagine – we wouldn’t have to worry about expensive fuel until November 2001.

Chris Matthews: Mrs. Begala?

Paul Begala: Chris, this plan is a short-sighted Republican solution to a very complicated problem. We need price caps on energy, and..

Chris Matthews: Wait a second, wait a second.. you guys hear a pathetic high-pitch squeak like a chihuahua being strangled?

Paul Begala: [ laughing ] Now, Chris, why would I..

Chris Matthews: Whoa, whoa, there it is again! It’s the damndest thing, hope the little guy’s okay! Now, Congressman Barr, shouldn’t we also be looking into alternative energy sources?

Bob Barr: Well, Chris, my fellow Republicans are doing just that. We’re not just interested in Alaskan oil – this country’s lamps were powered by whale oil for years. Why not go back to drilling whales for oil? And I’m sure there’s a way to get oil out of dogs, lions, polar bears – any of those animals that no one really cares about.

Chris Matthews: Senorita Begala?

Paul Begala: [ smiling wiide ] Chris, that is insane! These animals are precious parts of the global ecosystem, and they should be protected and celebrated.

Chris Matthews: [ amazed ] Huh! I’ve gotta say, Begala, that was a smart and incisive answer.

Paul Begala: Well, thank you!

Chris Matthews: In fact, I like it so much, I want to see it again. Can we roll back what Begala just said?

[ in place of Paul Begala’s comment, a video of a chimpanzee wiggling its tongue back and forth is played ]

Paul Begala: Oh, come on!

Chris Matthews: [ laughing ]

Bob Barr: Chris, to finish my earlier point, there are plenty of natural ways to get energy. [ holds up photo ] This is the yellow-shafted flicker. There is only one of these left in the world. We should find it, clip its wings, and make it ride a little bicycle that powers a record player. We’ve had this technology for millions of years – I’ve seen it on “The Flintstones”.

Chris Matthews: Nice work, Barr! That’s exactly the kind of insane rant I expect from guests on “Hardball”! Joining us now, is former governor of New Jersey, Chairman of the Environmental Protection Agency, Christie Whitman!

Christie Whitman: Hello, nice to be here.

Chris Matthews: Ms. Whitman, you’ve been accused of simply following orders from your superiors!

Christie Whitman: Chris, I take offense at that – I am just a mouthpiece for the Bush/Cheney administration. [ holds finger to ear ] Check that? Yes. [ corrects herself ] I am not just a mouthpiece.. I have my.. [ holds finger to ear ] ..own opinions.. and.. am being allowed to express them.

Chris Matthews: Wake up, woman! You had more prestigious status when you were running Jersey! Bob Barr!

Bob Barr: Chris, what Ms. Whitman is being fed by Dick Cheney’s secretary is right. Now, we’re willing to meet Democrats halfway on alternative energy. For example, my research shows that you can get almost two millions BTUs of heat by burning down just one museum. I mean, think about it – they’re called “oil” paintings!

Chris Matthews: [ laughing hysterically ] Boy, that’s nuts! I want to thank my guests today – Bob Barr, final thoughts!

Bob Barr: Chris, the energy crisis is upon us, and no matter what you believe, I think there’s one solution we can all agree on – we have to blow up the Grand Canyon.

Chris Matthews: Barr, you’re my kind of loudmouth – I love you, you’re great! Christie Whitman!

Christie Whitman: Chris, as the Bush administration has stated all along.. [ holds finger to ear ] ..Radio 103 Top 40 Countdown..! I’m sorry.. is there a studio with better reception?

Chris Matthews: Good God! Get out of here, everyone, before she starts giving away tickets to the Supertramp concert! Paul Begala, you pathetic milquetoast, you burnt pumpkin of a man, any last words!

Paul Begala: Chris, I feel like I never got to..

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begala: .. voice my opinion..

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begala: .. on..

Chris Matthews: You’re done! Go home and tell Santa you want to be a dentist, you freaking elf! [ laughs hysterically ] Stick around, I’m gonna bring out Begala’s kids and shout at them! You’re watching “Hardball!”

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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