Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 20
Walter … Christopher Walken
Virginia Clarvin … Rachel Dratch
Roger Clarvin … Will Ferrell
Catherine … Ana Gasteyer
[open to a patio with the Clarvins, Walter, and Catherine]
Virginia: Does anyone care for some baba ganoush or hummus before we start our main course? [Walter takes some] Yes, have some.
Roger: It’s so wonderful, Walter, when we’re graced with a visit from you.
Walter: Well, I always treasure my conferences at the university, and of course, my time with my old colleagues.
Catherine: I’m just so glad I got to come along. It’s so beautiful here.
Virginia: Oh, you must take advantage of the view from Pullman Falls. It’s absolutely perfect for lover’s walks.
Roger: Yes, are you taking lovers’ walks?
Catherine: Uh, what do you mean?[Roger holds Virginia]
Virginia: Well, are you at the point in your relationship when you can walk hand-in-hand as lovers?
Catherine: I, um, guess so.
Walter: Actually, we haven’t ben seeing each other all that long.[Catherine laughs]
Virginia: Oh, I see. So in due time, eh lover?
Roger: [as he rubs Virginia’s arms] Yes, Virginia. I remember our first days of courtship as if it were yesterday. Eager drives to Holyoke. Passionate cries of love making muffle into a feather pillow in order to avoid waking your roomate Chin Le. [kisses Virginia]
Virginia: Oh, yes, yes. Fond memories, my lover prince.
Virginia: Can I get you more Sangria?[Roger downs a glass of Sangria]
Walter: You’re never going to meet a couple more in love than Roger and Virginia.
Catherine: Sounds like it, yeah.
Roger: Surely, Katherine, you must have a story about your lover.
Catherine: Oh, I just think that’s best kept private.
Walter: Sure, she’s acting shy now, but she’s quite a curious lover.
Roger and Virginia: Oh.
Catherine: [shocked] Walter!
Walter: One wintry night after eating Indian… [pause] Catherine whispered into my ear, [at this time, Catherine grows upset and flinches] her breath rich with faraway spices, that she desire to make love. She wanted to try shinshi shinshi. Now, I’d been begging her to try sinshi shinshi for months. She’d refused on the grounds that it was unclean. Finally, she was willing to accept her lover’s body in places no one had ever trespassed. Specifically, the ear canal.
Catherine: Walter![an audience member hoots]
Roger: Walter, your stories always make me hungry. [moans with Virginia]
Virginia: Oh, Walter, we made your favorite tonight, moussaka. [laughs with Roger]
Catherine: What’s so funny?
Virginia: You see, Katherine, in our younger days [while Roger kisses Virginia’s hands] we took a glorious trip to the Greek Islands
Roger: We rented a krypsona on the Isle of Santorini.
Walter: And I was there, too.
Catherine: [sarcastically] Really?
Roger: Oh, yes.
Virginia: [while Roger starts rubbing Virginia’s shoulders] Yes, one day we returned to the Krypsona from the beach. Our bodies browned by the sun. And the locals had killed and roasted a goat and —
Roger: We filled our bellies with goat meat.
Virginia: Our hands greasy.
Walter: Mouths glistening.
Virginia: Yes, and —
Roger: Once again, our bodies sluggish with goat meat.
Catherine: Okay, all right, okay, do you think there’s any way we could save this one until after dinner.[the Clarvins laugh]
Roger: No. That evening, Virginia and I made love so powerful, me thinks I heard the god Zeus chuckling from on high. [him and Virgnia touch each other]
Walter: And I was there, too.
Catherine: [shocked] Do you mean?
Walter: Bingo. We did a three way[Catherine looks disgusted]
Virginia: Now, mind you, Catherine. This was a long time ago.
Roger: Yes, yes, this was a year and a half ago.
Catherine: [disgusted] Gross.
Virginia: So that’s why when I always think of the night I entertained not one but two lovers whenever I eat moussaka.
Catherine: [upset] All right, okay, Walter, Walter, I wanna go home.
Walter: What, lover, we only just arrived.
Roger: Perhaps our talk of lovers has made Catherine yearn for me shinshi shinshi.
Catherine: And I cannot believe you told them that.[Catherine gets up and leaves in fury]
Walter: My lover has a fiery soul. I best chase her for she is my ride. [touches Virginia’s cheek] Good night, dear friends and former lovers.
Roger and Virginia: Good night, Walter.
Walter: Good night. [exists the scene]
Virginia: Good night, Walter. Oh, listen, the rhythm of the crickets.
Roger: [chirps like a cricket] “Make love.” [chirps again] “Make love.” Quick, quick, [clears the table as the two prepare to make love] let’s rub our legs and bodies against each other like cricket children and make love and night fancy. [grunts]
Virginia: Shouldn’t we go upstairs, lover?
Roger: No, right here, lover. [in pain] Ow, ow, my back, my back.
Virginia: Is it your back?
Roger: [mimicks Virginia] “Is it your back?” Yes it’s my back! Get the hell off me! [pushes her off] [FADE]
Submitted by: Road Dog XVIII