Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Chris Kattan
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Winona Ryder


Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

This week, First Daughter Jenna Bush was given community service after pleading “No Contest” to underage drinking charges. Her father insists Jenna is going through a rebellious stage, and “Just like me, she’ll grow out of it in 27 years.”

Massachusetts Governor Jane Swift gave birth Tuesday night to twin girls, making her the first governor to have twin girls since Bill Clinton was running Arkansas.

At a South Dakota school this week, a police officer roamed the school with an unloaded gun to test the response. The school past with flying colors when concerned students spotted the gun and shot him.

Jimmy Fallon: You know, Tina, last week, N*Sync’s Joey Fatone was rushed to the hospital after tripping during rehearsal, when he got his foot stuck in a trap door. Here now with a terrible re-enactment of that event, is our own Chris Kattan.

Chris Kattan: [ steps out, pretends to sing “Bye, Bye, Bye”, then falls ] Ow, my foot! Trap door! I’m Joey Fatone!

Tina Fey: Thank you, Chris, that was terrible.

A new e-mail computer virus is sweeping across the globe that automatically opens a pornographic web site on the victim’s screen. Authorities say they intend to track down the hacker responsible for the virus, just as soon as somebody complains.

Former President Bill Clinton has reportedly lost close to 20 pounds since the leaving the White House. The pounds were taken from him by British whores.

Jimmy Fallon: Slowly getting that! Here now with a friendly reminder on “Weekend Update”, is alumni anchor Kevin Nealon, ladies and gentlemen.

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Jimmy! Uh, I just want to take a moment here, if I may, to clear up some confusion. For a number of years, I was a castmember here at “Saturday Night Live”, but I haven’t been since 1995, some 6 years ago. And yet, some people stil come up to me and say, “Mr. Nealon, it’s Saturday. Shouldn’t you be getting out to New York for the show?” Or, “Hey, Mr. Nealon, you were funny on the show last night, love that Mr. Subliminal!” And then I have to explain that I’m not on the show anymore, what you’re watching are reruns on Comedy Central.

You see, I’m not a part of this cast – overrated. I don’t even know these people. I really don’t. And, to be honest with you, I have no connection whatsoever with this show anymore – lawsuit. In fact, I have not seen Lorne Michaels in, like, four years – restraining order. And quite frankly, it takes everything I have to stay up this late right now – coked up. So, once again, I am no longer on this show. I’m off doing bigger and better things right now – “Hollywood Squares”. I guess you could say that I moved on – trailer park – and that’s good.

Jimmy Fallon: So, let me understand.. you are not on the current cast?

Kevin Nealon: No, Jimmy. Now, don’t let my being here tonight confuse you – George W. – this is actually a live show that you’re watching, unless, of course, you’re doing something else – hot sex – I don’t know. Now, Jimmy’s lucky here, because he’s up here working with people like Tina Fey – lesbo – and that’s great; of course, not to mention, the other cast – white trash – they’re all great, they’re all great. And, yes, I left, and sometimes people do that, they leave. Molly Shannon was a part of this cast, and now she’s off doing movies – porno – and so, now where you see me is on the reruns. Enjoy them. I think they still hold up – residual checks – I really do.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s good to know. Thanks, Kevin.

Kevin Nealon: Thank you.. thank you, Jimmy Fallon – lesbo – it’s nice to be back.

Jimmy Fallon: Kevin Nealon, everybody! The one and only!

The L.A. District Attorney’s office said Monday that Robert Downey, Jr. will not go to jail for his drug arrest last month. But, to save time, they went ahead and sentenced him for his drug arrest next month.

Director Todd Solondz is complaining that the producers of his new movie made him edit out a scene in which James van der Beek is on the receiving end of anal sex. When asked for a comment, van der Beek said, “They were FILMING that?”

Jimmy Fallon: And now for “Weekend Update”‘s thrilling season-ending cliffhanger, with very special guest star Winona Ryder.

Tina Fey: Jimmy.. when did you start wearing glasses?

Jimmy Fallon: I got my eyes checked last week. I found out I need glasses.

Tina Fey: Are you gonna wear them next season?

Jimmy Fallon: Well, I mean.. I don’t know.. I-I-I..

Winona Ryder: [ rushes in scene, panicking ] Jimmy! Tina!

Jimmy Fallon: Winona!

Tina Fey: What is it? What’s wrong?

Winona Ryder: One of you.. is the father of my baby..

Jimmy & Tina: Oh, my God.. I’m gonna be a fath-

[ with looks of panic, the screen freezes, as “To Be Continued” appears on the screen; Winona Ryder cracks up in the “frozen” pose ]

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Winona Ryder: And I’m Winona Ryder!

All: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

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