SNL Transcripts: Reese Witherspoon: 09/29/01: Farting Baby


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Farting Baby

White Mother…..Reese Witherspoon
White Father…..Will Ferrell
Grandmother…..Ana Gasteyer
Dr. Cleeten…..Chris Kattan
Black Mother…..Maya Rudolph
Black Father…..Tracy Morgan

[open on white mother, father and grandmother around baby]

White Father: Aw, look at him.

White Mother: Oh, I still can’t believe it! He’s so beautiful. We made that.

White Father: We did it. Look at his little face. He’s so peaceful.

Grandmother: You kids did a good job. You should be proud.

White Mother: Thanks, Mom. [places baby in bassinet] Oh, I can’t believe it. He’s ours.

White Father: I love you.

[woman laughs cheerfully; baby farts]

White Father: Oops! Did you hear that?

White Mother: That was his first fart!

[man and woman chuckle; nuzzle baby]

White Mother: That’s so cute!

White Father: You’re gonna be just like your dad.

White Mother: Let’s hope not.

[baby farts again]

White Father: Ooh! Little fella’s got gas.

White Mother: I wonder if I ate something. You know, they say if the mom eats gassy food…

White Father: He looks fine to me.

[baby farts louder]

White Father: Hey! Hey, cool it dude. I’m the fart guy in this family.

[baby continues farting]

White Mother: Oh! Mom, should I burp him?

Grandmother: Oh, just pat his back, honey. He’ll be fine.

White Father: I’ll get him. [picks baby up as baby farts uncontrollably] Whoa. This – this can’t be normal. This can’t be…normal at all.

White Mother: Um, give him to me. [patting baby’s back] There, there. Mommy’s here. That’s okay. Just let it out.

[farting continues]

White Father: Okay, I – I gotta call someone.

Grandmother: That isn’t normal. That isn’t normal.

White Father: No. No.

White Mother: Okay, don’t panic, honey. Just call Dr. Cleeten.

White Father: Yes. Of course. Dr. Cleeten. Of course. Jeez! Stop the farting.

Grandmother: Call the doctor!

White Mother: There’s nothing I can do. I’m patting his back.

[burping joins farting]

White Father: Ooh! Now’s he’s…he’s burping now! Stop it baby!

Grandmother: Call the doctor!

White Father: Stop it, baby!

White Mother: Call Dr. Cleeten, damn it! Now!

[time passes; farting and burping continue]

White Mother: [opens the door for Dr. Cleeten] Dr. Cleeten, right this way. He won’t stop farting and burping!

White Father: We’re – we’re worried sick!

Dr. Cleeten: Now, now, now. It’s probably just some gas. [inspecting baby] Okay, little fella. What’s going on here? [farting and big burp] Oh! Well here’s the problem. His diaper’s on too tight.

[mother sighs with relief]

Dr. Cleeten: [changes baby] There we go.

[farting and burping stop]

White Father: Oh, boy. That was tense there.

Dr. Cleeten: Well, no need to worry. Constriction of the lower stomach often causes gas to build up.

[baby pees into the air]

Dr. Cleeten: …And pee!

[farting and burping resume]

White Mother: Oh my god. He’s peeing everywhere!

Dr. Cleeten: Well, would you look at that!

White Father: Do something!

Dr. Cleeten: I’ve never seen this.

Grandmother: This – this – this isn’t normal!

White Mother: [to Dr. Cleeten] Well, fix it! He’s farting and burping and peeing!

White Father: Here, let me – let me grab it. Let me grab it. [picks up baby] Stop it! Stop farting! Stop it! Stop farting!

White Mother: Larry, Larry, Larry! Hold it! He’s just a baby, Larry!

White Father: You better stop it!

White Mother: Give me the baby. Give it to me. [to baby] You better stop it. Stop farting!

White Father: It’s not funny. Go to your room!

Grandmother: That is not polite. It is not polite!

White Mother: You quit it this instant!

Dr. Cleeten: Give him to me! [to baby] I command you to stop farting! I am a doctor! You do it, and you will stop!

[farting continues]

White Mother: I’ve got an idea.

White Father: I like it.

Grandmother: Me too.

White Mother: I’ll be right back. [takes baby] Come on, Mom.

[mother and grandmother leave] [Larry and Dr. Cleeten stand around; generic The Odd Couple-like music plays in the background]

White Father: Coffee?

Dr. Cleeten: No, no thanks. I’m actually trying to cut back.

White Father: Interesting. You’ve cut back on coffee? I’m amazed.

Dr. Cleeten: Well, nothing really amazing about it. I have a cup in the morning, and…and that’s it.

White Father: [skeptical] One cup?

Dr. Cleeten: Sometimes two.

White Father: Okay. Yeah. [short pause] That’s beyond intriguing. That’s interesting. That’s really interesting.

Dr. Cleeten: Yeah?

White Father: Yeah.

[mother and grandmother return with black baby]

White Mother: We’re back. It’s a funny thing, honey. That wasn’t our baby. Can you believe it? This is our baby.

White Father: I knew it! It must’ve been a mix-up. [tickles baby] Hi, cutie! [to mother] He?

White Mother: Oh, honey it’s a girl.

White Father: Oh.

White Mother: We made her, remember?

White Father: I love you.

[Larry and mother kiss] [scene cuts to black man and woman in hospital room with original baby] [baby farts, burps and pees continuously]

Black Mother: This baby is not ours!

Black Father: [laughing] Who cares? This baby is hilarious! [to baby] You keep on fartin’, little dude! [to mother] This is the funniest baby we had yet!

Submitted by: Anthony Rupert

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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