SNL Transcripts: Reese Witherspoon: 09/29/01: The Little Mermaid


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

The Little Mermaid

Sailor…..Will Ferrell
Little Mermaid…..Reese Witherspoon
Dad…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: We now return to the classic story of “The Little Mermaid”.

[ open on Sailor coming to in the sand on a deserted island ]

Sailor: Oh.. the shipwreck.. I survived.. but how? [ sees Little Mermaid sitting on a rock ] You! You’re the beautiful creature that saved my life!

Little Mermaid: I’ve been watching your ship from afar.

Sailor: I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful.

Little Mermaid: Nor have I.

[ singing ]

“I thought I had seen all the wonders of the sea.”

Sailor: “I thought I had known all the beauty of the shore.”

Little Mermaid: “But here at last, where our two worlds meet.”

Together: “I finally felt my true heart soar!”

Little Mermaid: “I feel brand new!”

Sailor: “I feel so free!”

Little Mermaid: “I feel an increased flow of mucus in my fish genitalia!”

Sailor: “I feel like I never..” [ stops abruptly ] ..whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that?

Little Mermaid: I said, I feel an increased flow of mucus in my fish genitalia.

Sailor: I’m not following.

Little Mermaid: Well, you see, when I feel this way about somebody so special, I release extra slime to lubricate the scaly membrane that closes off my egg sac.

“So now my heart feels..”
Sailor: No, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Hang on a second! You mean to tell me that, down there, you’ve got fish business going on?

Little Mermaid: What’d you expect, silly?

Sailor: [ grossed out ] But, wait.. when you get up on land, you grow legs, right?

Little Mermaid: Of course, I do!

Sailor: Oh.. thank God!

Little Mermaid: Yes, the legs are human, but believe you me, the hoohah’s all mackeral!

Sailor: [ thinking ] Okay. Really nice meeting you. [ gets up to leave ]

Little Mermaid: Oh, I get it! You think I’m ugly because we’re different.

Sailor: No, it’s not like that.. it’s just that..

Little Mermaid: Well, we may be different on the outside; but inside, I think you’ll find we share the same heart.

Sailor: [ thinking ] Maybe you’re right.

Little Mermaid: “Below the waves, our hearts will know the differences outside.”

Sailor: It’s true!

Little Mermaid: “I love all creatures equally, wherever they reside.”

Sailor: That’s lovely!

Little Mermaid: “I get it on with tuna
I’ve gone down on a shark!
I’ve got films of me with a manatee..!”

Sailor: Alright, alright! That’s enough! That’s enough!

Little Mermaid: What’s wrong?

Sailor: You have sex with fish?!

Little Mermaid: Fish, shrimp, turtles.. I’ll pretty much bend over for anything with fins.

Sailor: Okay, I don’t think it’s gonna work out between us. In fact, I think it’s physically impossible.

Little Mermaid: Oh, it’s possible, alright! It is. Where do you think I came from?

Sailor: Well.. wasn’t your father a Merman, and..?

Little Mermaid: What?! Oh, no way! My father’s just some dude who got drunk one night and broke into an aquarium to get freaky with a halibut.

Dad: [ walks across the sand clutching a fish in his arms ] He-ey-ey! There you are, darling! I was thinking of getting some ribs with your ma here!

Sailor: [ appalled ]You had sex with that fish?

Dad: Oh, yeah.. I’ve had sex with a lot of stuff!

Sailor: Where am I?!

Dad: “Oh, I’ve had sex with a lot of stuff
from a can of soup to a dirty old mutt.
But this old dirt-bag got his wish
When he found a fish filled with dirt-bag fish!”

Sailor: Okay, that’s it, I’m out of here..

Dad: “Deep down below the waves.”

Fish Chorus: “Deep down below the waves.”

Dad: “Down in the deep.”

Fish Chorus: “Down in the deep.”

Dad: “It’s no crime to hump a fish
On Interspecies Beach!
On Interspecies Beach!
On Interspecies Beach!”

Announcer: “The Litte Mermaid” will not return, due to pending legal action.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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