SNL Transcripts: Reese Witherspoon: 09/29/01: Donatella Versace For the Children


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Donatella Versace For the Children

Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
Grace Jones…..Dean Edwards
John Galliano…..Chris Kattan
Karl Lagerfeld…..Darrell Hammond

Donatella Versace: Hello peoples, I’m Donatella Versace. If you don’t know me I am very sorry. Since I was very young I always love to sing. And though I don’t like children, I do love to sing to them. Listen to this:

[ singing ]

“Old McDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O
And old McDonald had a piiiig”

If you liked this, I have so much more on my tape.

[we see a picture of Donatella Versace for the Children]

Donatella Versace: Can you think of anything the children like better than me, and freak disco diva Grace Jones?

[Grace Jones enters]

Donatella Versace: (singing) You put your right foot in

Grace Jones: You put your right foot out!

Donatella Versace: You put your right foot in.

Grace Jones: And then you shake it! Donatella, you sweet piece of trash.

Donatella Versace: Get out of here before I love you too much. [Screaming] Get oooouutt!!!! [Calming down again] Imagine all the happy children when they hear me and John Galliano sing that tired ass teapot song.

[enter John Galliano, stumbling in]

John Galliano: I been clubbing, so the champagne may be talking. No guarantees. Shhh.

Both: I’m a little teapot short and stout.

Donatella Versace: Here is my handle.

John Galliano: Here is my sprout… I’m going to puke up.

[Galliano exits]

Donatella Versace: Crazy bitch! Can’t hold her liquor. Now, for a favorite of all of the children, Karl Lagerfeld, the “captain Kangaroo” of fashion.

[Enter Karl Lagerfeld, holding a fan]

Karl Lagerfeld: Itsy, bitsy spider climbing up the water sprout. Down coming the rain, and this time washing the spider out.

Donatella Versace: You’ve lost your mind. Now loose the fan and my phone number. [screaming] Get out from in front of my face!!

Karl Lagerfeld: Sweaty Italian, you are dead to me. Aah!

[exit Karl]

Donatella Versace: Also on the tape you will meet my special friend Mr. Pantyhose Leg. [Puts pantyhose on her arm and uses it as a puppet.] Mr.. Pantyhose Leg, do you want to sing with me to the children? “No!” Then what do you want to do? “Smoke cigarettes and look good”. Oh, I love you sooo much! [kisses the puppet]

Announcer: Donatella and her friends sing for your children.

Donatella Versace: Now, everybody, buy this damn tape for your damn children. Get oooouuuttt!!!


Submitted by: Santiago

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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