Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 1
01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys
Donatella Versace For the Children
Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
Grace Jones…..Dean Edwards
John Galliano…..Chris Kattan
Karl Lagerfeld…..Darrell Hammond
Donatella Versace: Hello peoples, I’m Donatella Versace. If you don’t know me I am very sorry. Since I was very young I always love to sing. And though I don’t like children, I do love to sing to them. Listen to this:
[ singing ]
“Old McDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O
And old McDonald had a piiiig”
If you liked this, I have so much more on my tape.
[we see a picture of Donatella Versace for the Children]
Donatella Versace: Can you think of anything the children like better than me, and freak disco diva Grace Jones?
[Grace Jones enters]
Donatella Versace: (singing) You put your right foot in
Grace Jones: You put your right foot out!
Donatella Versace: You put your right foot in.
Grace Jones: And then you shake it! Donatella, you sweet piece of trash.
Donatella Versace: Get out of here before I love you too much. [Screaming] Get oooouutt!!!! [Calming down again] Imagine all the happy children when they hear me and John Galliano sing that tired ass teapot song.
[enter John Galliano, stumbling in]
John Galliano: I been clubbing, so the champagne may be talking. No guarantees. Shhh.
Both: I’m a little teapot short and stout.
Donatella Versace: Here is my handle.
John Galliano: Here is my sprout… I’m going to puke up.
[Galliano exits]
Donatella Versace: Crazy bitch! Can’t hold her liquor. Now, for a favorite of all of the children, Karl Lagerfeld, the “captain Kangaroo” of fashion.
[Enter Karl Lagerfeld, holding a fan]
Karl Lagerfeld: Itsy, bitsy spider climbing up the water sprout. Down coming the rain, and this time washing the spider out.
Donatella Versace: You’ve lost your mind. Now loose the fan and my phone number. [screaming] Get out from in front of my face!!
Karl Lagerfeld: Sweaty Italian, you are dead to me. Aah!
[exit Karl]
Donatella Versace: Also on the tape you will meet my special friend Mr. Pantyhose Leg. [Puts pantyhose on her arm and uses it as a puppet.] Mr.. Pantyhose Leg, do you want to sing with me to the children? “No!” Then what do you want to do? “Smoke cigarettes and look good”. Oh, I love you sooo much! [kisses the puppet]
Announcer: Donatella and her friends sing for your children.
Donatella Versace: Now, everybody, buy this damn tape for your damn children. Get oooouuuttt!!!
[fade]
Submitted by: Santiago
