Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 1
Wake Up, Wakefield
Gretchen Doyle…..Reese Witherspoon
Mr. Banglian…..Horatio Sanz
Randy Goldman…..Jimmy Fallon
Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for “Wake Up Wakefield”. Fun facts and important announcements for the students of San Jose.
Megan: It’s 7:55, and we are live from the Audio/Visual department here in Room 312. I’m your host Megan and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.
Sheldon: [ nervous ] Hey.
Megan: Well, it’s our first show of the new school year.
Sheldon: As always, we are joined by Jazz Times Ten. Led by the imcomparable Tony Tedusco on tenor sax. [ he demonstrates his musical skills ] Top-notch.
Megan: Yeah. We made some pretty drastic changes to the show this year. We’ve got some special effects. Check this.. [ waves her arms ] whoa! Awesome!
Sheldon: And, we added a window, just like on “The Today Show”.[ camera pans over to the window, where students are making faces and acting childish ]
Megan: It’s awesome, you guys. Um.. the other main format change in the show, is that I am no longer in love with Randy Goldman.. [ reveals t-shirt with Randy’s face X’d out ] ..so, Randy, if you’re watching.. you don’t have to ignore me any more, because I don’t like you like that. But I do like your new haircut with the long pieces on the side – it’s awesome! Anyway.. our guest is the President of the Spanish Club. Some people say that she’s super stuck-up, but I don’t know, we’ll see.
Sheldon: Please welcome, Gretchen Doyle.
Gretchen Doyle: Hola. Hola coma esta.
Sheldon: Uh.. bien. Thank you. So, I understand there’s a Spanish Club dinner this Friday. Need one be a member to attend?
Gretchen Doyle: No. Todo sambien venudo. But you do have to speak Spanish the whole time. Nos tiennos, tacos y burritos, chips y salsa.
Megan: That’s cool. So you go out with Randy Goldman, huh?
Gretchen Doyle: Si.
Megan: So where’d you guys meet?
Gretchen Doyle: Nos sanchez hooked up a la fiesta de bar mitzvah mi amigo, Beth.
Megan: [ to Sheldon ] What did she say?
Sheldon: Uh.. I take Latin so I only understand the root words.
Megan: That’s cool. Uh, Gretchen, I have a question specifically pertaining to Spanish Club. When you and Randy Goldman kiss.. does it taste like Peach Jolly Ranchers.
Gretchen Doyle: Did you just have me on here to talk about Randy?
Megan: No.. wait.. what?
Sheldon: Uh, okay.. it’s 7:59, time to check in on our viewer window.[ camera pans over to the window, where one student prepares to moon the camera. Mr. B. covers the glass with his clipboard ]
Mr. Banglian: Watch it! Okay, gang, there you go! Okay, come on! You can flash the moons on your own time! I think it’s pretty cool to, you know, put your thing up on the glass.. but it’s not appropriate for school. Hey kids, I just want to remind you, tomorrow is Juggle For Senior Citizens Day. We’re gonna have about twenty of the school’s best jugglers out by the track, juggling fruit. And.. then when they’re done, we’re gonna give all the bruised fruit to the elderly to eat.. so it’s good and soft. It’s a good cause, hope to see you there. This is Mr. B. saying, “Don’t be a playa hater, be an intramural sports participata!” That’s good, that’s what the kids say! Alright, be good, gang! [ moonwalks out ]
All: Bye, Mr. B..
Megan: So, Gretchen.. in conclusion, what’s it like being unbelievably awesome and perfect?
Gretchen Doyle: Dios mio, I am not perfect. Yo tego problemo, just like anybody else. I mean, my hair’s so naturally blonde, I can only wear pink or purple.
Sheldon: You.. you smell good.
Gretchen Doyle: Oh, thanks. Hey.. are you in my Honors English class.
Sheldon: Uh.. I’m in all your classes.
Gretchen Doyle: Oh.. right.
Randy Goldman: Hey, morning, Gretch.. I brought you some Toaster Strudels.
Gretchen Doyle: Thanks, Randy!
Megan: [ freezing up ] Oh, hey, Randy, I didn’t even see there.. that’s cool.. I was just hosting the show..!
Randy Goldman: Oh, hey, Melanie. how was your summer? [ exits with Gretchen ]
Megan: Oh, my summer was good.. My name’s not Melanie.. Hey, guys, wait up! [ runs over to the window ]
Sheldon: Um.. also.. one final announcement. Um.. lately, there’s been a big problem with certain people pushing certain other people into the second floor girl’s bathroom and holding the door shut, um.. making certain people late for orchestra class.. which happens to be certain people’s favorite class.. so.. let’s just keep that to a minimum. Back to you, Megan.
Megan: I am over here at the viewer window.. where Randy and Gretchen are totally making out..! That’s cool, I don’t even care! But if my heart had a mouth, and it could speak, it would say that I cherish you, Randy Wayne Goldman.. and, though in my life I may take many lovers, you will forever be my brown-eyed SFOC – Super Fox of the Century. [ singing ] “I want to stand with you on the mountains..”
Randy Goldman: I can totally hear you! This is plastic!
Megan: Ohhh.. that’s cool! I was just joshing! I know joshing’s not a word, but.. it’s all good! Well, that’s all the time we have.
Sheldon: Signing off, I’m Sheldon.
Megan: And I am now, and for always, the future Mrs. Randy Goldman. Sheldon, take it home.[ Sheldon plays “Sunshine of My Love” on cello ] [ fade ]