Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 2
Emmy Awards Pre-Show
Steve Kmetko…..Will Ferrell
Joan Rivers…..Ana Gasteyer
Lisa Kudrow…..Maya Rudolph
Calista Flockhart…..Rachel Dratch
Garry Shandling…..Jeff Richards
Della Reese…..Tracy Morgan
Pamela Lee…..Amy Poehler
Kid Rock…..Chris Kattan
James van der Beek…..Seann William Scott
Camryn Manheim…..Horatio Sanz
Walter Cronkite…..Darrell Hammond
Steve Kmetko: Good evening, I’m Steve Kmetko. Welcome to E! 2001 Emmy’s Pre-Show. I know you’re used to seeing Joan Rivers in this role, but we’re keeping things a little reverent this year, cutting our pre-show coverage down to seven hours. I will be the lone host, as E! feels –
[ Steve is knocked down by a blowdart, which we discover was blown by Joan Rivers, who’s hiding behind a potted plant ]
Joan Rivers: Oh! Oh! Don’t be alarmed! It’s Joan Rivers! My apologies to Steve Kmetko, he’ll wake up eventually! E! said they didn’t want me this year, but I know how to behave, I can be respectful! I met Queen Elizabeth once, and I didn’t even offer her a milkbone or bark! I’m excited to be here! But only the level of excitement that is appropriate! Because Hollywood is dressing down for the occasion, very conservative! Theres less cleavage here than an Amish funeral, it’s wonderful! Oh! Lisa Kudrow! Lisa Kudrow!
Lisa Kudrow: Hi.. Joan..
Joan Rivers: Nominated for “Friends”, you look so plain tonight! God bless you!
Lisa Kudrow: Thank you. It’s important that we do this.
Joan Rivers: You’re always, always the plainest one on “Friends”! But tonight, you’ve really outdone yourself!
Lisa Kudrow: Thank you.. I think..
Joan Rivers: She’s wonderful! Go for it! Oh! Calista Flockhart! Who are you wearing?! Who are you wearing?! Who?!
Calista Flockhart: Gap Kids.
Joan Rivers: Now, normally, I would say you look like a broomstick with nipples, but I’m not gonna say that, because it’s wrong, it’s wrong! I thought you were wonderful at the telethon, so serious!
Calista Flockhart: Thank you. I-I-I-I felt serious. I-i-i-it’s so refreshing for all of us in Hollywood to think outside of ourselves.
Joan Rivers: I know, isn’t it great how we’re not self-obsessed any more! We’re not self-obsessed!
Calista Flockhart: Especially you, Joan.
Joan Rivers: No! You, Calista! Really!
Calista Flockhart: No, no, I-I-I think we’re all changed.
Joan Rivers: We’re not narcissistic anymore!
Calista Flockhart: I know, th-th-that’s all I can think about, is h-h-h-how I’m not narcissistic any more.
Joan Rivers: We’re truly wonderful, we’re just wonderful, wonderful people! Garry Shandling! Garry, how are you?
Garry Shandling: Calista, does my breath smell weird? [ giggles ] Is it me?
Joan Rivers: Garry Shandling, you’re dating Calista Flockhart, which is disgusting! It’s disgusting, it’s horrible, it’s absolutely horrible! But that’s not what tonight is about! Thank you for being here!
Garry Shandling: Is it, is it my breath? [ giggles ] Or is it your breath bouncing off of me? Because I know your breath is weird because you only eat Mrs. Dash! [ giggles ]
Calista Flockhart: Garry, you are embarrassing me!
Joan Rivers: Oh, look who’s here, Della Reese, “Touched By An Angel!” Oh! Oh! Della, now this is dressing down!
Della Reese: Hi, baby.
Joan Rivers: Oh, Della! Listen, I’ve been so cruel to you in the past, but tonight, in the spirit of patriotism, I’m gonna hold my tonuge, shield my eyes, and say you look gorgeous!
Della Reese: Uh, thank you, honey. You know, they told us to dress in busines attire, so I just wrapped my business in a Hefty bag with some electrical tape.
Joan Rivers: And it looks horrible! And by horrible, I mean solemn and appropriate! God bless you, you’re a wonderful, skunk-haired, crazy old woman! God bless you! Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock! It’s Joan Rivers, don’t be frightened, I’m different tonight. Pamela, I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever said about you looking like or being a whore!
Della Reese: Thank you.
Joan Rivers: You both are so wonderfully uninteresting, what have you done?
Pamela Lee: Um.. well.. I had my jugs taken out.. and I’m auctioning them off on eBay for that United Way fund thing.
Kid Rock: I’ll miss that one the most.
Joan Rivers: A couple of true patriots! So patriotic! [ Pamela and Kid french kiss with open mouthes ] Wonderful! And I understand, out of respect, that you did not have sex in the limo on the way over here tonight, that’s so wonderful!
Pamela Lee: No, it just didn’t seem right.
Kid Rock: So we only had oral sex.
Joan Rivers: God bless you both, God bless! Oh! James van der Beek! You’re not nominated, but what a statement, oh! What are you wearing!
James van der Beek: Joan, this is a Hugo Boss suit covered in manure. Dressing down is simply not enough – I sat under a horse. To send a message to the enemy that we will not let them stop us from living our lives as normal.
Joan Rivers: Message sent, back to normalcy! Oh, and look at this – Camryn Manheim! Oh! Oh, Camryn, I love you, everyone loves you, you’re fat and you’re fun!
Camryn Manheim: Joan, I want to tonight express the freedoms we all have as Americans.
Joan Rivers: [ acknowledging the smudges on Camryn’s dress ] Now, are you also in manure?
Camryn Manheim: No, this is chocolate. I’ve been under a lot of stress. Since this thing happened, Ive just been watching the WE channel and eating Pillsbury frosting.
Joan Rivers: Oh, Camryn, this is driving me crazy! I have so many horrible things that I’m just dying to say to right now! I want to say that you look like a plus-sized Oompa-Loompa, but that’s wrong! It’s wrong! She looks like Lady Godiva after she te the horse, but I can’t say that, and it’s killing me! It’s killing me, oh!
Camryn Manheim: Joan, is your forehead crying?
Joan Rivers: No, thats where my tear ducts are now! You don’t even want to see where I sneeze! What does it all mean!
Walter Cronkite: Joan, what you do is important to the country –
Joan Rivers: Walter Cronkite! You’re opening the show tonight, please put it all in perspective for me!
Walter Cronkite: Well, Joan, your shallow, vicious remarks are the ultimate expression of free speech. If we suppress you simply on the grounds that you’re a hateful, hatchet-faced bitch, surely they will have beaten us.
Joan Rivers: Walter, your words have given me the courage to say, “You look like an Albino bassett hound in that suit!”
Walter Cronkite: [ chuckles ] That’s my girl!
Joan Rivers: Oh! You look like Bea Arthur had sex with a raisin! We’ll be right back!