Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 2
Jason Stamper…..Seann William Scott
DJ Jonathan Feinstein…..Seth Meyers
Jill Butt…..Rachel Dratch
Jarret: Hey, what’s up, everybody? It’s me, Jarret. Back at Hampshire College for junior year numero tres. You’ll notice a few changes in the show. One, we got a house band, otherwise known as Hampshire College’s resident turntableist-DJ Jonathan Feinstein! [turns camera to DJ] [DJ spins Daft Punk’s “One More Time”]
Jarret: You probably know Jonathan from last year’s Halloween party, when he played “Monster Mash” for eight straight hours.[DJ switches to “Monster Mash”; Jarret looks puzzled]
Jarret: [to DJ] Come on, dude, you got four more weeks. [turns camera back] Next, you’ll see that I moved out of Lema Hall and into McGinn. I know what you’re thinking. That’s the dorm where they put all the psycho kids. But it also happens to be right next door to the dining hall. I can smell chickwiches all day long. So even though you’ll occasionally get a naked dude breaking into your room covered in his own poop, it’s totally worth it. Now returning to the show for an unprecedented sixth senior year is my best friend Gobi.[Gobi enters with bongo drums; audience cheers and applauds]
Jarret: What’s up, man?
Gobi: Hey, I got a joke for you.
Jarret: Cool, man. Let’s hear it.
Gobi: You know those chips they have? Baked Lays?
Gobi: Yeah, it’s like they’re chips, but also it’s like they’re smoking pot. [to camera] Baked Lays! [laughs; sits back down] Yeah. And also the word Lays.
Gobi: It’s like two jokes! [laughs] Oh man, it’s funny! [laughs again]
Jarret: Did you think of that all by yourself?
Gobi: Nope! My friend told me. [laughs]
Jarret: Great. Well, it’s the start of the new school year, and you know what that means-new freshmen. And [holds up Freshman Face Book] a new Freshman Face Book. So without further ado, we present the sixth annual Freshman Face Book Awards![Jarret and Gobi’s FRESHMAN FACEBOOK AWARDS appears on screen]
Jarret: Here to help us give out this year’s awards is a man who knows a thing or two about first years-they call him the Freshman 15, because every year he ends up getting with at least fifteen freshmen-pleasewelcome our good friend Jason Stamper!
Jarret: What’s up, Stamper?
Jason Stamper: [to camera] Two words! Kegg-er! To-night! [continuously] My place. Off campus. Beer pong. Flip cup. Jell-o shot. Booze loose. Quarters. [sits down] We’ve got an above-ground pool filled up with hot water. [conceited] It’s the largest hot tub you’ve ever seen. [back to normal] We got Jonathan Feinstein on the wheels of steel.[camera turns to DJ; DJ spins “Monster Mash”]
DJ Jonathan Feinstein: [with Australian accent] Check me out this Sunday. I’ll be playing the Parent’s Weekend Waffle Brunch from 10 a.m. to 11:30.
Jarret: Dude, what’s with the accent? You’re from New Jersey.[DJ angrily stops spinning]
DJ Jonathan Feinstein: [without accent] Not cool, man. Not cool, Jarret.[camera turns back]
Jason Stamper: Anyway, our first Face Book award is for Best Name. [Gobi does drum roll on bongos] Thank you. And the winner is [to camera; very pronounced] Jill Butt!
Jarret: I mean, come on! You’ve been ridiculed through grade school, high school it’s college! Clean slate! Change your name already! The game hasn’t even started and you’ve already lost!
Jason Stamper: Next award is for Most Likely To Graduate A Virgin. [drum roll] And the winner is this guy![picture of Dennis Eschenberg, a man with unusual-looking braces, appears on screen]
Jarret: What a-what a goof! This guy couldn’t get laid getting off a plane in Hawaii!
Jason Stamper: Next award is the I Swear To God I’m Not A Narc award![drum roll] [picture of Ian Tombelson, a man with an ancient-looking mustache, appears on screen]
Jarret: Nice mustache! Dude, is your middle name Not A Cop?
Jason Stamper: What is this guy, like, 50?
Jarret: Do you live at 21 Jump Street?[Gobi laughs and wheezes; Jarret pats his back]
Gobi: That girl’s name was Butt![everyone laughs]
Jarret: Dude, are you high right now?
Gobi: Hold on. Hmm. Hmm. Yep![everyone laughs]
Jarret: Dude, it’s 9 in the morning.
Gobi: Wake and bake, dude! [laughs] It’s 4:20 somewhere!
Jason Stamper: No it’s not. Don’t you know how time zones work?
Jeff: [off screen] Shut up out there!
Jason Stamper: Who’s that?
Jarret: That’s our roommate, Jeff. He’s brand new. He got kicked out of his frat ’cause he kept taking dumps in the washing machine.
Jason Stamper: Oh.[Jeff enters, punches Jarret in the shoulder, then sits down]
Jeff: Two for looking! I swear to God. If you freaks wake up the girl in my room, you’re dead.[Jill enters]
Jill Butt: Hey Jeff, come back to bed.[Jarret, Gobi and Jason try to suppress their laughter]
Jeff: What’s so funny? [frustrated] What’s so funny?
Jason Stamper: Hey Jeff, what’s your girlfriend’s name?
Jeff: [reluctant] Jill.
Jarret: Jill what?
Jill Butt: Hey Jeff, can I keep this shirt?
Jeff: Cool it, Jill! Go wait for me in my room.[Jill groans]
Jill Butt: [to Jarret, Gobi and Jason] Hey, guys. I’m Jill Butt.[Jarret, Gobi and Jason laugh]
Jarret: [extending his hand] Uh, hi. Uh, Jarret Ass. Nice to meet you.
Jason Stamper: Yeah. I’m Jason Brown-Eye.
Gobi: Yeah. I’m Gobi Butt! II!
Jill Butt: You guys are jerks! [exits]
Jeff: You geeks are dead when I get back! [to camera] And by the way, Sigma Chi, just because you kicked me out doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop taking dumps in your washing machine. [exits]
Jarret: All right, that’s all the time we have today. I gotta go drink six Red Bulls before Jason’s party. DJ Jonathan Feinstein, take us OUT![camera turns to DJ; DJ spins “One More Time”] [user closes web page]
Submitted by: Anthony Rupert