Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 2
01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41
Jeffrey’s
Clerk #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Clerk #2…..Seann William Scott
Customer #3…..Horatio Sanz
Boss…..Will Ferrell
Customer #1…..Chris Kattan
Customer #2…..Maya Rudolph
[open on clerks folding clothes]
Customer #1: Excuse me. You guys carry any DKNY?
[clerks sigh]
Clerk #1: We’re the ones that should be asking DKNY are you wasting our time? Leave.
Clerk #2: Leave now.
Customer #1: Oh, come on. It’s just that I don’t recognize any of the labels in the store.
Clerk #1: [throws garment down] Look, Corky. This is Jeffrey’s. Even our labels have their own labels. [showing his collar]This Salvadore Ferragamo label is made by Armani.
Clerk #2: Yeah, we work at Jeffrey’s. I use five different shampoos for the different hair types on my body. [conceited] That’s my deal!
Clerk #1: [sniffs at Clerk #2] Is that Sahag?
Clerk #2: Are you talking about my eyebrows or my coif?
Clerk #1: Your coif.
Clerk #2: Honey, [rapidly] that’s my bumble-and-bumble-vanilla-bean post-hair wax finishing cream.
Clerk #1: Yummy.
Clerk #2: Mm-hmm.
Clerk #1: [to Customer #1] Now that that’s settled, you officially don’t exist, m’kay?
Customer #1: But I was only-
Clerk #2: Oh, great. You just triggered the boredom force field.
[clerks create imaginary force field around themselves]
Clerk #2: You can’t get in!
Clerk #1: Sorry.
Customer #1: Fine. I’m going to The Men’s Wearhouse. [sneers; exits]
Clerk #2: People shouldn’t.
Clerk #1: Yet they do.
Clerk #2: I know!
[Customer #2 walks up]
Customer #2: Excuse me. Hi. Can you tell me, do you think these pants make my butt look fat?
Clerk #1: Not at all. Your butt looks fat on its own.
Customer #2: What?! That is so rude!
Clerk #1: Look, this is Jeffrey’s. The highest size we carry is 0. Unless you’re on a steady diet of celery and Ex-Lax, you shouldn’t even think of shopping here.
Clerk #2: Now, why don’t you go get that ice cream? You know you want it!
Customer #2: [aggravated] Ooh! I hate this store! [walks away]
Clerk #1: That was toxic.
[clerks apply lotion to their hands in sync; continue folding clothes]
[Customer #3 struts in]
Customer #3: Howdy-do, gents? I’ve decided to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet with this place. Could you direct me to the-
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: Come on, fellas.
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: Come on.
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: Come-
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: Co-
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: C-
Clerk #1: No!
Clerk #2: No.
Clerk #1: Look. Hoping you just came from a Live Aid concert. It’s the only way my mind can comprehend that jacket you’re wearing.
Customer #3: [outraged] What?! This jacket is cool! As seen on Miami Vice!
Clerk #2: Miami Vice. Wow. Which one are you? Crockett? Or Tubbs?
[clerks Hmm sarcastically to each other; customer Hmms mockingly]
Customer #3: What are you guys telling me? I’m fat?
Clerk #1: I think the door told you that when you had to walk in here sideways.
Customer #3: [unsure] Well you should walk sideways and get my fist hit in your mouth and store outlet
Clerk #1: You happy with that? I don’t want you kicking yourself in your Dodge Omni on the way home, thinking that you should’ve said something remotely clever.
Customer #3: Oh really? Let me bring you guys in on a little something. The eighties are bizzack! Yeah. Just to let you know, I don’t drive a Dodge Omni. My mother picks me up at the bus stop! [laughs] Yeah. [makes hand gestures in front of clerks] Check mate, ding-dongs! [clicks tongue rapidly] Jackpot! Whoo! [exits]
Clerk #1: I can’t believe there are so many people in here that aren’t us.
Clerk #2: Tell me about it. I wish they’d just clone us so we’d have someone more acceptable to look at.
Clerk #1: [chuckles] I am tired.
[boss enters backwards in a motorized wheelchair]
Clerk #2: I’m exhausted! Are you exhausted?
Clerk #1: A little scooch.
Clerk #2: I’d like a nap.
Clerk #1: I’d like one of those Brookstone space blankets I can just stretch my spine on.
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Boss: [climbs off wheelchair] Gentlemen.
[cell phone rings]
Boss: [picks up large cell phone] Y’hello?
Clerk #1: Ha, look at that ancient cell phone he has.
Clerk #2: Look at how big it is!
Boss: [covers mouthpiece] Please. Big is the new small. Cami Diaz has one twice this size. [uncovers mouthpiece] What? Oh! I like that! Mm-hmm. Grand. We’ll see you then. [hangs up] Chloe Sevigny?
Clerk #1: That’s how you pronounce it.
Boss: Yes. She’s having an unveiling of Justine Bateman’s new line at a barbecue at her loft, okay? You two grab a car service, and I’ll meet you there.
[clerks grab their bags]
Clerk #1: You sure you don’t wanna go with us?
Boss: No, I’m taking my Prada jet pack. I’ll probably beat you there.
[clerks exit; boss flies around aimlessly with jet pack, knocking things over]
Submitted by: Anthony Rupert
