SNL Transcripts: Seann William Scott: 10/06/01: Jeffrey’s


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41


Clerk #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Clerk #2…..Seann William Scott
Customer #3…..Horatio Sanz
Boss…..Will Ferrell
Customer #1…..Chris Kattan
Customer #2…..Maya Rudolph

[open on clerks folding clothes]

Customer #1: Excuse me. You guys carry any DKNY?

[clerks sigh]

Clerk #1: We’re the ones that should be asking DKNY are you wasting our time? Leave.

Clerk #2: Leave now.

Customer #1: Oh, come on. It’s just that I don’t recognize any of the labels in the store.

Clerk #1: [throws garment down] Look, Corky. …This is Jeffrey’s. Even our labels have their own labels. [showing his collar]This Salvadore Ferragamo label is made by Armani.

Clerk #2: Yeah, we work at Jeffrey’s. I use five different shampoos for the different hair types on my body. [conceited] That’s my deal!

Clerk #1: [sniffs at Clerk #2] Is that Sahag?

Clerk #2: Are you talking about my eyebrows or my coif?

Clerk #1: Your coif.

Clerk #2: Honey, [rapidly] that’s my bumble-and-bumble-vanilla-bean post-hair wax finishing cream.

Clerk #1: Yummy.

Clerk #2: Mm-hmm.

Clerk #1: [to Customer #1] Now that that’s settled, you officially don’t exist, m’kay?

Customer #1: But I was only-

Clerk #2: Oh, great. You just triggered the boredom force field.

[clerks create imaginary force field around themselves]

Clerk #2: You can’t get in!

Clerk #1: Sorry.

Customer #1: Fine. I’m going to The Men’s Wearhouse. [sneers; exits]

Clerk #2: People shouldn’t.

Clerk #1: Yet they do.

Clerk #2: I know!

[Customer #2 walks up]

Customer #2: Excuse me. Hi. Can you tell me, do you think these pants make my butt look fat?

Clerk #1: Not at all. Your butt looks fat on its own.

Customer #2: What?! That is so rude!

Clerk #1: Look, this is Jeffrey’s. The highest size we carry is 0. Unless you’re on a steady diet of celery and Ex-Lax, you shouldn’t even think of shopping here.

Clerk #2: Now, why don’t you go get that ice cream? You know you want it!

Customer #2: [aggravated] Ooh! I hate this store! [walks away]

Clerk #1: That was toxic.

[clerks apply lotion to their hands in sync; continue folding clothes] [Customer #3 struts in]

Customer #3: Howdy-do, gents? I’ve decided to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet with this place. Could you direct me to the-

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: Come on, fellas.

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: Come on.

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: Come-

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: Co-

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: C-

Clerk #1: No!

Clerk #2: No.

Clerk #1: Look. …Hoping you just came from a Live Aid concert. It’s the only way my mind can comprehend that jacket you’re wearing.

Customer #3: [outraged] What?! This jacket is cool! As seen on Miami Vice!

Clerk #2: Miami Vice. Wow. Which one are you? Crockett? …Or Tubbs?

[clerks Hmm sarcastically to each other; customer Hmms mockingly]

Customer #3: What are you guys telling me? I’m fat?

Clerk #1: I think the door told you that when you had to walk in here sideways.

Customer #3: [unsure] Well…you should walk…sideways…and get my fist…hit in your mouth…and store…outlet…

Clerk #1: You happy with that? …I don’t want you kicking yourself in your Dodge Omni on the way home, thinking that you should’ve said something remotely clever.

Customer #3: Oh really? Let me bring you guys in on a little something. The eighties are bizzack! Yeah. Just to let you know, I don’t drive a Dodge Omni. My mother picks me up at the bus stop! [laughs] Yeah. [makes hand gestures in front of clerks] Check mate, ding-dongs! [clicks tongue rapidly] Jackpot! Whoo! [exits]

Clerk #1: I can’t believe there are so many people in here that aren’t us.

Clerk #2: Tell me about it. I wish they’d just clone us so we’d have someone more acceptable to look at.

Clerk #1: [chuckles] I am tired.

[boss enters backwards in a motorized wheelchair]

Clerk #2: I’m exhausted! Are you exhausted?

Clerk #1: A little scooch.

Clerk #2: I’d like a nap.

Clerk #1: I’d like one of those Brookstone space blankets I can just stretch my spine on.

Clerk #2: Yeah.

Boss: [climbs off wheelchair] Gentlemen.

[cell phone rings]

Boss: [picks up large cell phone] Y’hello?

Clerk #1: Ha, look at that ancient cell phone he has.

Clerk #2: Look at how big it is!

Boss: [covers mouthpiece] Please. Big is the new small. Cami Diaz has one twice this size. [uncovers mouthpiece] What?…Oh! I like that!…Mm-hmm. …Grand. …We’ll see you then. [hangs up] Chloe Sevigny?

Clerk #1: That’s how you pronounce it.

Boss: Yes. She’s having an unveiling of Justine Bateman’s new line at a barbecue at her loft, okay? You two grab a car service, and I’ll meet you there.

[clerks grab their bags]

Clerk #1: You sure you don’t wanna go with us?

Boss: No, I’m taking my Prada jet pack. I’ll probably beat you there.

[clerks exit; boss flies around aimlessly with jet pack, knocking things over]

Submitted by: Anthony Rupert

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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