Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 2
Seann William Scott’s Monologue
…..Sean William Scott
Silent Film Actor…..Horatio Sanz
Gorgeous Woman…..Ana Gasteyer
Sean William Scott: Thank you, thank you, thank you. My name is Sean William Scott and I am hosting Saturday Night Live.Yeah, That’s right! Yeah. I know you probably know me best as Stiffler from the American Pie movies. But you know what, there’s more to me then just getting peed on. Yeah yeah, or drinking a beer that has some guy’s sperm in it. It’s true. I actually come from a long line of pretty distinguished actors.
My great-grand-father Reginold William Scott was one of the first silent film stars in American history (cheers) Yeah, I actually brought a clip from one of his movies made back in 1918, check it out!
(Black and white silent film style clip shown. Sean William Scott andHoratio Sanz are laughing. Horatio speaks the words are shown in the next frame in silent film fashion.)
SUPER: “Say there, Mr. S, care for a quaff of this tasty brew?”
(R.W. Scott takes a drink and speaks as if pleased, the words read…)
SUPER: “This is a grand ale fit for President Harding himself. What, pray tell, makes it so savory?”
(Horatio looks mischievous, says something. The frame reads…)
SUPER: “Why, mine own ejaculate of course”
(R.W. Scott looks discussed, pushes the cup away and appears to proclaim, “mother f–ker” the frame reads…)
SUPER: “Darn you!”
(cut back to Monologue)
Sean William Scott: Thank you, I’m proud of that one. They don’t really show it anymore. But a few years later my great grandfather William Bill William Scott made his mark in a series of detective thrillers. Here’s one of them.
(Cut to a black and white shot of a detective’s office. W.B.W. Scott sits at a desk while his voice narate the scene)
William Bill William Scott: I had just closed up for the night when five feet seven inches of trouble walked right into my door. A real knock out. I didn’t know whether to read her her rights or to ask her to marry me right then and there. She sat down and crossed those gorgeous gamms while I tried to play it cool. So I cracked open a beer and took a sip. Damm, some dude had jizzed in it.
(Cut back to monologue)
Sean William Scott: That was awesome! Thank you. Then my grandfather Bing William Scott stared in some of the first moviemusicals. Here’s one of them.
(Cut to a Technicolor street set in the middle of a rainstorm. To thetune of “Singing in the Rain,” B.W. Scott dances on in a rain coat andsings…)
Bing William Scott:
“There’s semen in the beer
There’s semen in the beer
He jerked in it the cup and I totally drank it”
(chorus appears and sings)
“He totally drank it, the beer with the jiz”
(dance around and end in typical musical poise)
(cut back to monologue)
Sean William Scott: That one was my favorite. I hope I can hold up to the Scott family tradition tonight. Anyway we have a great show Sum 41 is here. Stick around we’ll be right back.
Submitted by: Jamie