Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 2
My Girlfriend the Porn Star
Josh…..Seann William Scott
Kitchen Staffer…..Tracy Morgan
[ open on couple talking in a restaurant ]
Josh: So I said, “I thought this was a faculty meeting, not Operation: Jerk Me Around!”
[ they both laugh at Josh’s story ]
Sara: You really said that?
Josh: Well.. no. But, uh — yeah, at least I thought it..
Sara: That’s great! I’m having a wonderful time, Josh.
Josh: Yeah. These last three months have been great. You know, you’re really beautiful.
Sara: Thank you. Hey, can I ask you a question?
Josh: You can ask me anything? You know that.
Sara: [ relunctantly ] When do you think.. it’s a good time to mention in a relationship.. that you’ve done some porn?
Sara: Just — like, like — how long do you think, like, in a relationship you should wait before you tell somebody that you did a little porn?
Josh: Like porn movies?
Sara: No, like porn cartoons! [ laughs ] Forget it. [ opens her menu ] Anyway, did you see “West Wing”?
Josh: Wait —
Sara: It was so preachy!
Josh: Back up a second. Do you have something to tell me?
Sara: I don’t know, do I?
Josh: Sara –
Sara: Okay, fine.. I did some porn! I did a porn movie! There, I said it! God, what a relief! Whoo!
Josh: [ stunned ] Wow..
Sara: Are you okay?
Josh: Yeah.. I mean, it’s a little shocking, but.. I’m glad you were honest with me. I mean, I respect you no matter.. what decisions you made in the past.
Sara: Well.. I guess, technically, this afternoon was the past.
Josh: [ shocked ] Wait! Youre doing porn movies now?!
Sara: No, not now. I mean, not right now, not this second! Were eating, thank you! [ laughs ]
Josh: Let me understand you here, okay? You’re still making films where you have sex with actors?
Sara: Oh, honey, they’re not actors. They couldn’t act their way out of a paper bag! They’re just, like, hustlers and transients with huge dongs, it’s not a big deal.
Waiter: Are you guys ready to order?
Sara: Oh, yeah. I think I’m gonna have the beef steaka..
Waiter: Wait. Don’t I know you from somewhere?
Sara: I don’t know.. um.. [ thinking ] Are you in charge of the Cheerleader Audition?
Waiter: Yeah! “American Hair Pie 2”! Oh, my God! I knew that was you! You are great! Oh, my God, I can’t wait to tell the guys in the kitchen! [ runs out of scene ]
Josh: This is embarrassing.
Sara: I’m not embarrassed you teach kindergarten!
Josh: Why would you, Sara? My job doesn’t consist of having sex with strangers and videotaping it!
Sara: Josh, you fell in love with me, not the character I play in dozens and dozens of adult movies.
Josh: God, how many have you done?!
Sara: I don’t know.. about 71 in one film. [ he groans ] I’m sorry, you meant movies? Um.. this is upsetting you. Let’s just drop it, okay?
Josh: No, wait. I don’t want a relationship with a porn star!
Sara: I am not a porn star.. [ crosses fingers ] ..yet.
Josh: You know what? I always thought it would be kind of cool to date a porn star, but now that I am, it sucks!
Sara: Josh, I love you! When we have times together, it’s making love! With all those other guys, they’re just giving it to me hard, over and over! And they only do that so other people can get off on it! Think about it!
Josh: [ thinks about it ] You’re right, I guess..
Kitchen Staffer: Excuse me? Could you sign my copy of “Mandongo”?
Sara: Sure. What’s your name?
Kitchen Staffer: Mandongo! No, I’m just playing, it’s Terry!
Sara: [ signs the video box ] Here you go.
Kitchen Staffer: [ to Josh ] Could you please take a picture of me and her, please?
Sara: Honey, please?
Josh: [ sighs ] I guess not..
Kitchen Staffer: Thank you.
[ Sara bends over to pose as Terry touches her ass. The image is freeze-framed until the sketch fades ]