Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 2
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Land Shark…..Chevy Chase
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
Last night, the Taliban offered to release eight westerners currently on trial in Afghanistan, if the U.S. agreed not to attack. The State Department declined, but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying, “It really felt good to laugh again.”
Over the past few weeks, Hollywood has done what it can do to cater to a more sensitive national audience. Many sitcoms edited out individual jokes it thought would be offensive, while “Inside Schwartz” boldly did away with humor altogether.
“The Weakest Link” is filming a Newsmaker’s edition with Darva Conger, Kato Kaelin, Tonya Harding, Gennifer Flowers, Leif Garrett, Puck and Todd Bridges. Hmm.. who’s one Corey Feldman short of a total suckfest? The contestants will all be playing for the same charity – themselves.
Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris announced she is running for Congress. Though she may run unopposed, many believe it will still be an ugly campaign.
A London newspaper is reporting that Sean “Puffy” Combs has hired a proper English butler named Farnsworth. So far, it’s working out great, except that everytime Puffy comes home, the butler instinictlvely calls the police.
Barry Bonds broke Mark Maguire’s single-season home run record Friday night, hitting his 71st and 72nd home run of the season. When reached for comment, Maguire said, “Bonds make Maguire angry!!”
Jimmy Fallon: On Friday, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak angrily criticized America’s support of the Palistinian state. Barak’s remarks add to the tension in the Middle East, and may threaten our coilition. Here now, with a Visceral Editorial, is Tina Fey.
Tina Fey: Oh, Isreal! You know we’re friends! Ugh! This is not the time! Uggghhh!
Jimmy Fallon: This has been a Visceral Editorial.
Workmen in Dublin have dug up a mysterious stone and metal box archeologists believe is a time capsule buried 200 years ago. Though it has not been opened, many hope it contains Ireland’s long-lost “good” recipes.
After hearing about the 200-year-old discovery, Sen. Strom Thurmond said, “So, that’s where I put that!”
In women’s health news, the FDA announced that it has approved NuvaRing, a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen, just like Michael Jackson’s penis.
Jimmy Fallon: Now, here to set the record straight is our own Tracy Morgan.
Tracy Morgan: Say, Jimbo!
Jimmy Fallon: Good to see you, man!
Tracy Morgan: I know in the past, I’ve popped a lot of jokes about the police and how they get down. And I’ll be driving in my lavender-colored Jaguar with the hip-hop blaring, and they pulled me over for no reason. And I would be pissed off, you know? But never again. I’m here to set the record straight – I like racial profiling. I got new eyes! Racial profiling is a good thing! Officers, I support you. And I dont care if the dude is white, black, green, blue, whatever. If something doesnt look right, shake him down. Now, I’m not saying to beat his ass, or nothing like that.. but just shake him down! See what’s happening.
You working at the airport, and someone looks suspicious? Shake him down! He got a long ZZ Top beard? Shake him down! You see a pasty-faced white dude with a “Jesus Saves” backpack wrapped in the Confederate flag? Shake him down? The dude got his head all wrapped up, and he ain’t Erika Badyu? Shake him down! Hey! They probably ain’t even guilty, but shake them down! They’ll get over it. Look at me, I have! [ laughs ] So, law enforecement officers, Tracy Morgan completely understands racial profiling. I support you. And remember – if a guy’s got a little bit of weed in his car, and he ain’t hurting nobody, don’t make me throw it out.
Jimmy Fallon: Tracy Morgan, everybody!
A source says that Jennifer Lopez purchased a $120,000 gold Cadillac to match her sunglasses. And reportedly spent $15,000 on her wedding-day hairdo. Experts say JLo’s spending shows she is well on her way to a hilarious “Behind The Music”.
Documentary guru Rick Burns announced this week that he will produce a documentary about all 50 states. Burns reportedly came up with the idea while trying to bore himself to death.
Researchers have been able to teach sparrows how to differentiate one language from another. Experts say this is a giant step toward their goal of teaching birds racism.
Jimmy Fallon: Last week in Colorado, a man drank over half a bottle of fruit juice before finding what appeared to be a severed human penis in it.
Tina Fey: Jimmy, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Jimmy Fallon: Yes, I am, Tina. It’s time for “Weekend Update Joke-Off”. Alright, ready? A man found a severed human penis in a bottle of fruit juice. And.. go!
Tina Fey: Uh.. Hmm.. tastes like freshly-squeezed!
Jimmy Fallon: Fruit juice? More like fruit cocktail!
Tina Fey: That was a penis? I thought it was a crazy straw!
Jimmy Fallon: And you thought Tropicana Girl’s Hand was pulpy!
Tina Fey: Wait’ll you hear what he found in his bag of nuts!
Jimmy Fallon: What brand was it? Man-sucket Nectars?
Tina Fey: Uh.. man, that guy really got the shaft!
Jimmy Fallon: Very nice. Tina Fey! Tina Fey wins, ladies and gentlemen!
Stevie Wonder is being sued for over $40 million by an ex-girlfriend who claims the singer agreed to support her after he gave her genital herpes. In response, Stevie said, “I have never seen that wman before in my life.”
Tina Fey: Even with summer officially over, the recent wave of shark attacks has not yet ceased. Officials warn that sharks –[ doorbell rings ]
Land Shark: Tina, I think somebody’s at the Update door.
Tina Fey: Let’s see who it is.. Who is it?
Land Shark: Mrs. Kalflogginnn..
Tina Fey: Who?
Land Shark: Dr. Grrrowpo..
Tina Fey: Excuse me?
Land Shark: Uh.. uh.. I have a package for Mr. Feldenn..
Tina Fey: I’m sorry?
Land Shark: Domino’s Pizza?
Tina Fey: We didn’t order a pizza.
Land Shark: Candygram.
Tina Fey: They don’t even have those anymore.
Land Shark: Oh, they don’t? Uh.. uh.. Publisher’s Clearing House. Congratulations, Miss.
Tina Fey: Ooh, I won?! Oh, why didn’t you say so! [ opens door, Land Shark gobbles her up ] Aaaggghhh!!!
Jimmy Fallon: On behalf of Tina Fey, for “Weekend Update”, Im Jimmy Fallon.
Land Shark: And Im not. Good night, and have a pleasant tommorrow.