Lesbian Feminist Singers


01c: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray

Lesbian Feminist Singers

Monica… Drew Barrymore
Lelani… Maya Rudolph
Toby… Will Ferrell
Girl 1… Rachel Dratch
Girl 2… Ana Gasteyer

Girl 1: That is the craziest thing I have ever heard. I mean, the notion that Emma Bovery is in anyway a pre-cursor to ‘Fatal Attraction’ is just nihilistic at best.

Girl 2: Ai. If you would just take the time to read my essay, I think that you would find my point valid. Its entitled ‘Feminism and linguistic theory, a.k.a. That’s what she said’.

Girl 1: Nice, nice

(Girl 1 hands Girl 2 a large, thick hard back book)

Girl 1: Where did you have it bound?

Girl 2: Kinko’s.

Girl 1: Oh, sweet.

Toby: Is anybody sitting here (points to the empty chair next to Girl 2)

Girl 2: Uh, only my entire life, but I’ll move it.

(Girl 2 picks up a large pile of think books and puts them on the table)

Girl 1: (laughing) Good one.

Girl 2: Thanks.

Monica: (from on stage) Welcome to the hall ‘Latte Love’ art space slash coffee house.

Lelani: We are your entertainment for this evening, and we are…

Monica and Lelani: Believe. (they begin singing)

I am my own book on women’s studies
You should read between my lines
And though I’m a book
Judge me not by my cover
Read between my lines
Read me, re-read me, re-read me, re-read me, re-read me…

(Toby throws a piece of scrunched up paper at the girls on stage)

Toby: You blow!!

Monica: (ignoring Toby) Thanks a lot everybody. I’m-a Monica.

Lelani: And I am Lelani.

Monica: So, I bet your all wondering how we met…

Toby: NO!! (He throws more paper)

Lelani: Yeah, well we met right here at UC Santa Cruz, at a rally to save the silk worm. (Toby continues to throw more paper)

Monica: I’m telling you people, silk is murder.

Toby: (stops throwing) Is this the part where you start making out? I can’t believe you Monica.

Lelani: Ok, for those of you who don’t know, that’s Monica’s ex-boyfriend Toby. He comes to all of our shows.

Monica: He’s also living outside of our house in his dads Pontiac Aztec.

Toby: Monica, I love you. How could you leave me, I hate you!! (Throws more paper)

Girl 2: Tell us how you really feel.

Girl 1: (laughing) Nice.

Girl 2: Thanks.

Lelani: (to Monica) Look into my eyes. Find solace. Find it?

Monica: I do.

Lelani: Rise above it?

Monica: Yes.

(Toby is continually throwing paper and plastic cups at them, Lelani brushes the rubbish off of her guitar)

Lelani: Our next song is called ‘Feminine River’. 2, 3, 4…
Lelani and Monica: (singing)
You can’t stop this feminine river
No man can stop, this red, red river…

Monica: (singing)
You can’t stop this feminine river
Its tied to the moon
and soaked up by my tampoon
It’s who I am, its total power…

Lelani: Oh, oh, ooohhh…

Lelani and Monica:
You can’t stop this feminine river,
It flows and flows, this red, red–

Toby: You two are the crappiest lesbo singers I’ve ever heard. (continues throwing rubbish)

Monica: Thank you. Hey…

Lelani: Thank you. Hey what?

Monica: Isn’t it funny how sometimes a great feeling just hits you, and you…

Lelani: And you just wanna celebrate life with those you treasure the most.

(Monica and Lelani touch each others faces lovingly)

Toby: God Monica, what is happening to us? I wake up, and not only do you take the cat but you take the space eater, and then I find out your in love with a chick!!

Girl 1: And that’s that Mrs. Lincon, how did you enjoy the play?

Girl 2: (laughing) Nice.

Lelani: You know some people, Toby, can only express themselves with yelling and threats.

Monica: However, we choose to express ourselves…

Monica and Lelani: Through music.

Monica: (angry) Stop whipping stuff at us!!

Lelani: Its alright, its ok. Are you alright?

Monica: Yeah, I’m ok. (Toby continues throwing)

Lelani: I’ll tell you what were going to do people. Instead of throwing cups, or watered up napkins, were gonna throw a song at you, and this one is one of our favourites. Lets do this.

Monica and Lelani: (singing)
Our love is a loop weaving tapestry.

Lelani: I am the warp…

Monica: You are the weft.

Monica and Lelani:
Our love is a quilt–

Toby: Monica, I can’t take this anymore!! To quote one of your stupid songs, ‘I’m leaving home and moving back to Fontana’.

Monica: (suddenly shocked) Wait, what?

(Toby stops throwing and approaches Monica)

Toby: I won this thing out of a claw machine at Circle Cove (Hands Monica a teddy bear).

Monica: That’s sweet.

Toby: Have a good life (begins to leave).

Monica: Wait, wait, wait. Toby don’t go. I’d die if you weren’t at our shows.

Toby: You still my sugar bear?

Monica: Yes.

Toby: I love you.

Monica: I love you.

(They begin to make-out in front of a shocked Lelani)

Lelani: What’s happening? Well, I guess we should take a 10 minute break while I begin to piece my life back together.

Girl 1: Boy, I’m a sucker for a good Deus Ex Machina.

Girl 2: Jerry Springer called, he wants his denouement back.

Girl 1: (laughing) Good one (Girl 1 and 2 high five)

(Lelani begins to cry and sing while Toby and Monica continue to make-out in front of her)

Thanks to Roseanne S. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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