Lesbian Feminist Singers

01c: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray

Lesbian Feminist Singers

Monica… Drew Barrymore
Lelani… Maya Rudolph
Toby… Will Ferrell
Girl 1… Rachel Dratch
Girl 2… Ana Gasteyer

Girl 1: That is the craziest thing I have ever heard. I mean, the notion that Emma Bovery is in anyway a pre-cursor to ‘Fatal Attraction’ is just nihilistic at best.

Girl 2: Ai. If you would just take the time to read my essay, I think that you would find my point valid. Its entitled ‘Feminism and linguistic theory, a.k.a. That’s what she said’.

Girl 1: Nice, nice

(Girl 1 hands Girl 2 a large, thick hard back book)

Girl 1: Where did you have it bound?

Girl 2: Kinko’s.

Girl 1: Oh, sweet.

Toby: Is anybody sitting here (points to the empty chair next to Girl 2)

Girl 2: Uh, only my entire life, but I’ll move it.

(Girl 2 picks up a large pile of think books and puts them on the table)

Girl 1: (laughing) Good one.

Girl 2: Thanks.

Monica: (from on stage) Welcome to the hall ‘Latte Love’ art space slash coffee house.

Lelani: We are your entertainment for this evening, and we are…

Monica and Lelani: Believe. (they begin singing)

I am my own book on women’s studies
You should read between my lines
And though I’m a book
Judge me not by my cover
Read between my lines
Read me, re-read me, re-read me, re-read me, re-read me…

(Toby throws a piece of scrunched up paper at the girls on stage)

Toby: You blow!!

Monica: (ignoring Toby) Thanks a lot everybody. I’m-a Monica.

Lelani: And I am Lelani.

Monica: So, I bet your all wondering how we met…

Toby: NO!! (He throws more paper)

Lelani: Yeah, well we met right here at UC Santa Cruz, at a rally to save the silk worm. (Toby continues to throw more paper)

Monica: I’m telling you people, silk is murder.

Toby: (stops throwing) Is this the part where you start making out? I can’t believe you Monica.

Lelani: Ok, for those of you who don’t know, that’s Monica’s ex-boyfriend Toby. He comes to all of our shows.

Monica: He’s also living outside of our house in his dads Pontiac Aztec.

Toby: Monica, I love you. How could you leave me, I hate you!! (Throws more paper)

Girl 2: Tell us how you really feel.

Girl 1: (laughing) Nice.

Girl 2: Thanks.

Lelani: (to Monica) Look into my eyes. Find solace. Find it?

Monica: I do.

Lelani: Rise above it?

Monica: Yes.

(Toby is continually throwing paper and plastic cups at them, Lelani brushes the rubbish off of her guitar)

Lelani: Our next song is called ‘Feminine River’. 2, 3, 4…
Lelani and Monica: (singing)
You can’t stop this feminine river
No man can stop, this red, red river…

Monica: (singing)
You can’t stop this feminine river
Its tied to the moon
and soaked up by my tampoon
It’s who I am, its total power…

Lelani: Oh, oh, ooohhh…

Lelani and Monica:
You can’t stop this feminine river,
It flows and flows, this red, red–

Toby: You two are the crappiest lesbo singers I’ve ever heard. (continues throwing rubbish)

Monica: Thank you. Hey…

Lelani: Thank you. Hey what?

Monica: Isn’t it funny how sometimes a great feeling just hits you, and you…

Lelani: And you just wanna celebrate life with those you treasure the most.

(Monica and Lelani touch each others faces lovingly)

Toby: God Monica, what is happening to us? I wake up, and not only do you take the cat but you take the space eater, and then I find out your in love with a chick!!

Girl 1: And that’s that Mrs. Lincon, how did you enjoy the play?

Girl 2: (laughing) Nice.

Lelani: You know some people, Toby, can only express themselves with yelling and threats.

Monica: However, we choose to express ourselves…

Monica and Lelani: Through music.

Monica: (angry) Stop whipping stuff at us!!

Lelani: Its alright, its ok. Are you alright?

Monica: Yeah, I’m ok. (Toby continues throwing)

Lelani: I’ll tell you what were going to do people. Instead of throwing cups, or watered up napkins, were gonna throw a song at you, and this one is one of our favourites. Lets do this.

Monica and Lelani: (singing)
Our love is a loop weaving tapestry.

Lelani: I am the warp…

Monica: You are the weft.

Monica and Lelani:
Our love is a quilt–

Toby: Monica, I can’t take this anymore!! To quote one of your stupid songs, ‘I’m leaving home and moving back to Fontana’.

Monica: (suddenly shocked) Wait, what?

(Toby stops throwing and approaches Monica)

Toby: I won this thing out of a claw machine at Circle Cove (Hands Monica a teddy bear).

Monica: That’s sweet.

Toby: Have a good life (begins to leave).

Monica: Wait, wait, wait. Toby don’t go. I’d die if you weren’t at our shows.

Toby: You still my sugar bear?

Monica: Yes.

Toby: I love you.

Monica: I love you.

(They begin to make-out in front of a shocked Lelani)

Lelani: What’s happening? Well, I guess we should take a 10 minute break while I begin to piece my life back together.

Girl 1: Boy, I’m a sucker for a good Deus Ex Machina.

Girl 2: Jerry Springer called, he wants his denouement back.

Girl 1: (laughing) Good one (Girl 1 and 2 high five)

(Lelani begins to cry and sing while Toby and Monica continue to make-out in front of her)

Thanks to Roseanne S. for this transcript!

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