SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 10/13/01: Love-ahs

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 16

01c: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray


Roger Clarvin…..Will Ferrell
Virginia Clarvin…..Rachel Dratch
Dave…..Jimmy Fallon
Barbara Hernandez…..Drew Barrymore

[Camera pans down to Dave in a hot tub with Roger and Virginia Clarvin]

Virginia: Excuse me. Excuse me.

Dave: What? Y-yes?

Roger: We were wondering. Is this your first time at the Welshly Arms Hotel?

Dave: Yeah.

Virginia: Mmm. And-and are you here without a lov-ah?

Dave: Well I am by myself. I’m just staying here on business.

Roger: We frequent the Welshly Arms.

Virginia: Yes.

Roger: We find it a perfect, quaint lov-ah’s getaway. [starts petting Virginia’s face]

Virginia: Yes. Oh, forgive me. We are professors Roger and Virginia Clarvin.

[Roger and Virginia extend arms to Dave]

Roger: And your name?

Dave: Uh, Dave. [extends arm and shakes Roger’s hand]

Roger and Virginia: Ah. Mmm.

Roger: Dave, may I share something with you?

Dave: I guess. I’m really just trying to –

Roger: I find when one first enters the scalding waters of the ha-tub, it is not unlike your first encounter with a new lover.

Virginia: I remember the first time Roger and I made love…

Roger: Yes.

Virginia: Yes, we had pulled over after a long Sunday drive. Roger led me to a clearing, laid me down upon a bed of fresh meadow grasses.

Roger: Yes. [starts petting Virginia while she’s talking]

Virginia: He then rubbed my nubile body with fruit linaments and noxema. Then he artfully covered my back with melted butter and cloves. [Roger begins licking her fingers]. And until the flies and ants came, methinks it was the finest love-making that the world have ever known.

[while Roger and Virginia moan, Dave lays back and starts twitching]

Roger: Are you listening, Dave.

Dave: Yeah, I’m just tired, that’s all.

[Barbara Hernandez appears; Roger and Virginia moan some more]

Barbara: Is that the professors Virginia and Roger Clarvin.

Roger and Virginia: Oh, what a surprise!

Virginia: It’s our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez.

Roger: Barbara, what brings you to the prestigious Welshly Arms?

[Jimmy Fallon starts cracking up]

Barbara: The usual: quiet strolls, family-style dining, archery.

Roger: Well, please join us in the ha-tub.

[Barbara takes off coat]

Virginia: Yes, it’s refreshing.

Roger: It simply is divine.

[Fallon begins cracking up as Drew’s character Barbara gets in the hot tub]

Virginia: Uh, Barbara, dare I ask, are you no longer with your lov-ah, Mitchell.

Barbara: Well, as you know, Mitchell was the most-skillful in creative [indistinguishable].

Roger and Virginia: Ah yes.

[Dave clears his throat]

Barbara: However, his love for me was exceeded by his love for sweet wine and dog racing. So now I can turn my attention to my first love: archery.

[from here on in, Fallon is unable to hold his laughter in]

Roger: Dave. Dave. Dave. David.

Dave: [laughs] Yes?

[Drew starts laughing]

Roger: David.

Dave: Right.

Roger: Our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez, is the top female archer in the northeast division.

[Fallon still laughing]

Dave: That’s unbelievable.

[Virginia reaches for a plate of shanks]

Virginia: Uh, does anyone care for spiced lamb shanks.

Dave: What is- What’s that?

Virginia: Well, at this point during the soak, my lov-ah and I usually crave spiced meats. [her and Roger start eating the shanks] We always… [Rachel Dratch starts laughing] We always order them up special for the Welshly Arms… [laughing again, and Will Ferrell cracks up] Kitchen, and keep them here in this igloo cooler.

Barbara: The Welshly Arms is renowned for its shanks.

Virginia: They’re wonderful shanks.

Dave: I’m good. I’m good.

Virginia: [puts back the plate] Well, your missing out on some good shanks.

Roger: We should mention that although the waters above appear calm [Virginia begins feeling up Roger’s face], below the surface there is a frenzy of activity.

[Fallon is confused, cracks up again]

Roger (cont’d): Hands groping, fingers fluttering, thighs twitching in the anticipation of love-making that will take place in this ha-tub [Dratch starts cracking up, Fallon’s laughs can be heard off screen] in less than 12 minutes.

Dave: I’m getting kind of pruny. I’m out.

[Dave tries to get out of the hot tub, but Roger and Virginia pull him back in]

Roger and Virginia: Wait, wait, wait.

[Fallon cracks up again]

Virginia: Barbara, you’re sans lover. Dave, you a weary business traveler. Perhaps Cupid’s arrow is as sharp as Barbara Hernandez’.

Dave: [stammers} I don’t know. I think I just –

Barbara: David, don’t be alarmed by the professors Clarvin. I remember myself when I f-first Roger and Virg at the University. We had taken a camping trip to Grand Canyon.

Roger: Yes.

Barbara: After a supper of jack rabbit honches, we laid out beneath the stars.

Roger: Somewhere in the distance, we heard the pounding of native drums. [for twelve seconds, everyone starts cracking up]. Was it in our minds? We don’t know. [Ferrell starts cracking up] [At this point, everyone begins laughing, while the audience cheers them on for their effort to keep a straight face]

Barbara: That night, the great eagle spirit himself appeared at our tent and beckoned us to make love. We submitted to his ravenous [Drew Barrymoore cracks up, Fallon follows] desires, as the three of us became one with the great eagle spirit.

[Dave begins playing with Roger’s beard while Virginia speaks]

Virginia: Turns out the great eagle spirit was actually a fugitive trucker by the name of Rich Crenshaw.

Dave: Maybe I’m just road weary, but, uh, that’s a beautiful story.

Barbara: Lov-ah, would you care to see my bed adorn with hibiscus petals and my photo of me [Barrymore cracks up again] and Geena Davis.

Dave: [enthusiastic] Geena Davis? That sound nice.

Roger: Bye, David. Bye

Virginia: Bye, lov-ahs.

[Roger starts feeling up Dave’s rear differential as the two lovers leave]

Roger: Nothing pleases me more than seeing two new lov-ahs take off in a night [Ferrell and Dratch crack up again] like this.

Virginia: Yes. Lov-ah, I think there’s one reward for the job we done.

[Roger and Virginia get close]

Roger: Let the screams of our love-making reverberate off the roof of the Welshley Arms…

Virginia: [crawls up on Roger’s lap] Oh, lov-ah.

Roger: and into the night sky.

Virginia: Oh, lov-ah.

Roger: Ow, ow. My back.

Virginia: What?

Roger: My back.

Virginia: Is it your back? I thought the water might help.

Roger: Well, it DOESN’T help! Get the hell OFF ME!

[Roger pushes Virginia off as the camera fades to black]

Submitted by: RoadDogXVIII

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