Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 16
Roger Clarvin…..Will Ferrell
Virginia Clarvin…..Rachel Dratch
Barbara Hernandez…..Drew Barrymore
[Camera pans down to Dave in a hot tub with Roger and Virginia Clarvin]
Virginia: Excuse me. Excuse me.
Dave: What? Y-yes?
Roger: We were wondering. Is this your first time at the Welshly Arms Hotel?
Virginia: Mmm. And-and are you here without a lov-ah?
Dave: Well I am by myself. I’m just staying here on business.
Roger: We frequent the Welshly Arms.
Roger: We find it a perfect, quaint lov-ah’s getaway. [starts petting Virginia’s face]
Virginia: Yes. Oh, forgive me. We are professors Roger and Virginia Clarvin.
[Roger and Virginia extend arms to Dave]
Roger: And your name?
Dave: Uh, Dave. [extends arm and shakes Roger’s hand]
Roger and Virginia: Ah. Mmm.
Roger: Dave, may I share something with you?
Dave: I guess. I’m really just trying to –
Roger: I find when one first enters the scalding waters of the ha-tub, it is not unlike your first encounter with a new lover.
Virginia: I remember the first time Roger and I made love…
Virginia: Yes, we had pulled over after a long Sunday drive. Roger led me to a clearing, laid me down upon a bed of fresh meadow grasses.
Roger: Yes. [starts petting Virginia while she’s talking]
Virginia: He then rubbed my nubile body with fruit linaments and noxema. Then he artfully covered my back with melted butter and cloves. [Roger begins licking her fingers]. And until the flies and ants came, methinks it was the finest love-making that the world have ever known.
[while Roger and Virginia moan, Dave lays back and starts twitching]
Roger: Are you listening, Dave.
Dave: Yeah, I’m just tired, that’s all.
[Barbara Hernandez appears; Roger and Virginia moan some more]
Barbara: Is that the professors Virginia and Roger Clarvin.
Roger and Virginia: Oh, what a surprise!
Virginia: It’s our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez.
Roger: Barbara, what brings you to the prestigious Welshly Arms?
[Jimmy Fallon starts cracking up]
Barbara: The usual: quiet strolls, family-style dining, archery.
Roger: Well, please join us in the ha-tub.
[Barbara takes off coat]
Virginia: Yes, it’s refreshing.
Roger: It simply is divine.
[Fallon begins cracking up as Drew’s character Barbara gets in the hot tub]
Virginia: Uh, Barbara, dare I ask, are you no longer with your lov-ah, Mitchell.
Barbara: Well, as you know, Mitchell was the most-skillful in creative [indistinguishable].
Roger and Virginia: Ah yes.
[Dave clears his throat]
Barbara: However, his love for me was exceeded by his love for sweet wine and dog racing. So now I can turn my attention to my first love: archery.
[from here on in, Fallon is unable to hold his laughter in]
Roger: Dave. Dave. Dave. David.
Dave: [laughs] Yes?
[Drew starts laughing]
Roger: Our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez, is the top female archer in the northeast division.
[Fallon still laughing]
Dave: That’s unbelievable.
[Virginia reaches for a plate of shanks]
Virginia: Uh, does anyone care for spiced lamb shanks.
Dave: What is- What’s that?
Virginia: Well, at this point during the soak, my lov-ah and I usually crave spiced meats. [her and Roger start eating the shanks] We always… [Rachel Dratch starts laughing] We always order them up special for the Welshly Arms… [laughing again, and Will Ferrell cracks up] Kitchen, and keep them here in this igloo cooler.
Barbara: The Welshly Arms is renowned for its shanks.
Virginia: They’re wonderful shanks.
Dave: I’m good. I’m good.
Virginia: [puts back the plate] Well, your missing out on some good shanks.
Roger: We should mention that although the waters above appear calm [Virginia begins feeling up Roger’s face], below the surface there is a frenzy of activity.
[Fallon is confused, cracks up again]
Roger (cont’d): Hands groping, fingers fluttering, thighs twitching in the anticipation of love-making that will take place in this ha-tub [Dratch starts cracking up, Fallon’s laughs can be heard off screen] in less than 12 minutes.
Dave: I’m getting kind of pruny. I’m out.
[Dave tries to get out of the hot tub, but Roger and Virginia pull him back in]
Roger and Virginia: Wait, wait, wait.
[Fallon cracks up again]
Virginia: Barbara, you’re sans lover. Dave, you a weary business traveler. Perhaps Cupid’s arrow is as sharp as Barbara Hernandez’.
Dave: [stammers} I don’t know. I think I just –
Barbara: David, don’t be alarmed by the professors Clarvin. I remember myself when I f-first Roger and Virg at the University. We had taken a camping trip to Grand Canyon.
Barbara: After a supper of jack rabbit honches, we laid out beneath the stars.
Roger: Somewhere in the distance, we heard the pounding of native drums. [for twelve seconds, everyone starts cracking up]. Was it in our minds? We don’t know. [Ferrell starts cracking up]
[At this point, everyone begins laughing, while the audience cheers them on for their effort to keep a straight face]
Barbara: That night, the great eagle spirit himself appeared at our tent and beckoned us to make love. We submitted to his ravenous [Drew Barrymoore cracks up, Fallon follows] desires, as the three of us became one with the great eagle spirit.
[Dave begins playing with Roger’s beard while Virginia speaks]
Virginia: Turns out the great eagle spirit was actually a fugitive trucker by the name of Rich Crenshaw.
Dave: Maybe I’m just road weary, but, uh, that’s a beautiful story.
Barbara: Lov-ah, would you care to see my bed adorn with hibiscus petals and my photo of me [Barrymore cracks up again] and Geena Davis.
Dave: [enthusiastic] Geena Davis? That sound nice.
Roger: Bye, David. Bye
Virginia: Bye, lov-ahs.
[Roger starts feeling up Dave’s rear differential as the two lovers leave]
Roger: Nothing pleases me more than seeing two new lov-ahs take off in a night [Ferrell and Dratch crack up again] like this.
Virginia: Yes. Lov-ah, I think there’s one reward for the job we done.
[Roger and Virginia get close]
Roger: Let the screams of our love-making reverberate off the roof of the Welshley Arms…
Virginia: [crawls up on Roger’s lap] Oh, lov-ah.
Roger: and into the night sky.
Virginia: Oh, lov-ah.
Roger: Ow, ow. My back.
Roger: My back.
Virginia: Is it your back? I thought the water might help.
Roger: Well, it DOESN’T help! Get the hell OFF ME!
[Roger pushes Virginia off as the camera fades to black]
Submitted by: RoadDogXVIII