SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 10/13/01: Love-ahs


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 16

01c: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray


Roger Clarvin…..Will Ferrell
Virginia Clarvin…..Rachel Dratch
Dave…..Jimmy Fallon
Barbara Hernandez…..Drew Barrymore

[Camera pans down to Dave in a hot tub with Roger and Virginia Clarvin]

Virginia: Excuse me. Excuse me.

Dave: What? Y-yes?

Roger: We were wondering. Is this your first time at the Welshly Arms Hotel?

Dave: Yeah.

Virginia: Mmm. And-and are you here without a lov-ah?

Dave: Well I am by myself. I’m just staying here on business.

Roger: We frequent the Welshly Arms.

Virginia: Yes.

Roger: We find it a perfect, quaint lov-ah’s getaway. [starts petting Virginia’s face]

Virginia: Yes. Oh, forgive me. We are professors Roger and Virginia Clarvin.

[Roger and Virginia extend arms to Dave]

Roger: And your name?

Dave: Uh, Dave. [extends arm and shakes Roger’s hand]

Roger and Virginia: Ah. Mmm.

Roger: Dave, may I share something with you?

Dave: I guess. I’m really just trying to –

Roger: I find when one first enters the scalding waters of the ha-tub, it is not unlike your first encounter with a new lover.

Virginia: I remember the first time Roger and I made love…

Roger: Yes.

Virginia: Yes, we had pulled over after a long Sunday drive. Roger led me to a clearing, laid me down upon a bed of fresh meadow grasses.

Roger: Yes. [starts petting Virginia while she’s talking]

Virginia: He then rubbed my nubile body with fruit linaments and noxema. Then he artfully covered my back with melted butter and cloves. [Roger begins licking her fingers]. And until the flies and ants came, methinks it was the finest love-making that the world have ever known.

[while Roger and Virginia moan, Dave lays back and starts twitching]

Roger: Are you listening, Dave.

Dave: Yeah, I’m just tired, that’s all.

[Barbara Hernandez appears; Roger and Virginia moan some more]

Barbara: Is that the professors Virginia and Roger Clarvin.

Roger and Virginia: Oh, what a surprise!

Virginia: It’s our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez.

Roger: Barbara, what brings you to the prestigious Welshly Arms?

[Jimmy Fallon starts cracking up]

Barbara: The usual: quiet strolls, family-style dining, archery.

Roger: Well, please join us in the ha-tub.

[Barbara takes off coat]

Virginia: Yes, it’s refreshing.

Roger: It simply is divine.

[Fallon begins cracking up as Drew’s character Barbara gets in the hot tub]

Virginia: Uh, Barbara, dare I ask, are you no longer with your lov-ah, Mitchell.

Barbara: Well, as you know, Mitchell was the most-skillful in creative [indistinguishable].

Roger and Virginia: Ah yes.

[Dave clears his throat]

Barbara: However, his love for me was exceeded by his love for sweet wine and dog racing. So now I can turn my attention to my first love: archery.

[from here on in, Fallon is unable to hold his laughter in]

Roger: Dave. Dave. Dave. David.

Dave: [laughs] Yes?

[Drew starts laughing]

Roger: David.

Dave: Right.

Roger: Our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez, is the top female archer in the northeast division.

[Fallon still laughing]

Dave: That’s unbelievable.

[Virginia reaches for a plate of shanks]

Virginia: Uh, does anyone care for spiced lamb shanks.

Dave: What is- What’s that?

Virginia: Well, at this point during the soak, my lov-ah and I usually crave spiced meats. [her and Roger start eating the shanks] We always… [Rachel Dratch starts laughing] We always order them up special for the Welshly Arms… [laughing again, and Will Ferrell cracks up] Kitchen, and keep them here in this igloo cooler.

Barbara: The Welshly Arms is renowned for its shanks.

Virginia: They’re wonderful shanks.

Dave: I’m good. I’m good.

Virginia: [puts back the plate] Well, your missing out on some good shanks.

Roger: We should mention that although the waters above appear calm [Virginia begins feeling up Roger’s face], below the surface there is a frenzy of activity.

[Fallon is confused, cracks up again]

Roger (cont’d): Hands groping, fingers fluttering, thighs twitching in the anticipation of love-making that will take place in this ha-tub [Dratch starts cracking up, Fallon’s laughs can be heard off screen] in less than 12 minutes.

Dave: I’m getting kind of pruny. I’m out.

[Dave tries to get out of the hot tub, but Roger and Virginia pull him back in]

Roger and Virginia: Wait, wait, wait.

[Fallon cracks up again]

Virginia: Barbara, you’re sans lover. Dave, you a weary business traveler. Perhaps Cupid’s arrow is as sharp as Barbara Hernandez’.

Dave: [stammers} I don’t know. I think I just –

Barbara: David, don’t be alarmed by the professors Clarvin. I remember myself when I f-first Roger and Virg at the University. We had taken a camping trip to Grand Canyon.

Roger: Yes.

Barbara: After a supper of jack rabbit honches, we laid out beneath the stars.

Roger: Somewhere in the distance, we heard the pounding of native drums. [for twelve seconds, everyone starts cracking up]. Was it in our minds? We don’t know. [Ferrell starts cracking up] [At this point, everyone begins laughing, while the audience cheers them on for their effort to keep a straight face]

Barbara: That night, the great eagle spirit himself appeared at our tent and beckoned us to make love. We submitted to his ravenous [Drew Barrymoore cracks up, Fallon follows] desires, as the three of us became one with the great eagle spirit.

[Dave begins playing with Roger’s beard while Virginia speaks]

Virginia: Turns out the great eagle spirit was actually a fugitive trucker by the name of Rich Crenshaw.

Dave: Maybe I’m just road weary, but, uh, that’s a beautiful story.

Barbara: Lov-ah, would you care to see my bed adorn with hibiscus petals and my photo of me [Barrymore cracks up again] and Geena Davis.

Dave: [enthusiastic] Geena Davis? That sound nice.

Roger: Bye, David. Bye

Virginia: Bye, lov-ahs.

[Roger starts feeling up Dave’s rear differential as the two lovers leave]

Roger: Nothing pleases me more than seeing two new lov-ahs take off in a night [Ferrell and Dratch crack up again] like this.

Virginia: Yes. Lov-ah, I think there’s one reward for the job we done.

[Roger and Virginia get close]

Roger: Let the screams of our love-making reverberate off the roof of the Welshley Arms…

Virginia: [crawls up on Roger’s lap] Oh, lov-ah.

Roger: and into the night sky.

Virginia: Oh, lov-ah.

Roger: Ow, ow. My back.

Virginia: What?

Roger: My back.

Virginia: Is it your back? I thought the water might help.

Roger: Well, it DOESN’T help! Get the hell OFF ME!

[Roger pushes Virginia off as the camera fades to black]

Submitted by: RoadDogXVIII

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Joseph Maruca
Joseph Maruca
2 years ago

Since seeing this sketch, I’ve somehow developed a relentless hankering for Jack rabbit haunches. Damn you, SNL!

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