Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

01c: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Gay Hitler…..Chris Kattan
…..Colin Quinn
Neil Diamond…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. And here are tonight’s top stories.

In Pakistan this week, anti-American protestors set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restauranbt on fire. The protestors mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders.

Mark Burnett, the producer of “Survivor: Africa”, says he doesn’t expect current events to limit viewers’ appetites for reality TV, saying, “I feel really confident that people will still be in the mood for crap.”

Canada’s defense minister announced Monday they will aid the U.S. by contributing six naval ships, six aircraft and a special forces unit, although when converted into American numbers, that becomes two canoes and a slingshot.

Cher announced this week that she would not be performing with Britney Spears on the young pop stars November 8th special, because, sadly, Cher has to go back to the shop for repairs.

The two stars actually share a special bond, as Britney’s breasts are made of the same material as Cher’s old nose.

Actor Tom Sizemore says that he is very happy living with his girlfriend, Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss. Sizemore says that after a month of dating, his passion still burns for her – as does his urine.

A new book by a German historian asserts that Adolph Hitler was actually a closet homosexual. The claim is based on the discovery of the new Hitler memoir – “Mein Boyfriend”.

Tina Fey: That’s fascinating.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, yeah –

[ suddenly, Gay Hitler walks in front of the Weekend Update desk ]

Gay Hitler: Hi, Tina. Hi, Jimmy. Sprechen sie dick?

Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here!

Tina Fey: Get out of here, Gay Hitler! Go!

[ Gay Hitler salutes, then runs off ]

According to statistics released by the American Society of Plastic Surgery, last year surgeons performed over 389,000 nose jobs, 133,000 face lifts, and 112,000 breast augmentations.. [ pictured: Michael Jackson ].. and it still doesn’t look right.

Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated their 26th wedding anniversary at a restaurant in New York City last night. She ate at 7:00, he ate at 10:30.

Tina Fey: And now, here to talk to us about what the hell is going on, is the New Yorkiest New Yorker I know, our good friend Mr. Colin Quinn.

Colin Quinn: Folks, thank you very much! This is the first politically-correct war we’ve ever had. What is it called? “Operation Regrettable Inevibility”? “Operation Uncomfortable Necessity”?

You know, in the old days, they would have a war – like, World War II was just the opposite, it was too unpolitically-correct. FDR would get on the radio and go, “Okay, tomorrow, we start “Operation Jap Attack”.. “Operation Krout Killer”. Alright.

But Bush, you know, he’s being very tentative on this one, he’s like, “Look, we’re gonna attack. It’s nothing personal against the Afghani people. Please don’t take it personally, it’s not about Islam. If you’re an Islamic-Afghani, don’t worry about it. If you’re an Afghani-Islamic, then you’re pushing it a little bit.”

But they fired the Head of Security at Logan Airports, and that must be difficult, bringing the guy in: “What did you do on your last job?” “I started World War III.” Alright, we’ll see you.

Algazeera-TV, which had the bin Landen video, and I don’t watch Algazeera-TV – the kids put it on. They had the bin Laden video, and, first of all, all they play is bin Laden. He’s like “Law & Order” over there. At 2 o’clock in the afternoon, 2 o’clock in the morning. Here’s Algazeera, here’s bin Laden, here’s Jerry Orbach, throwing a guy on a chain-link fence. And he was on there with those nerds from the Taliban, you know the three guys with glasses to make him look cool, with four rifles. And, let me tell you something about the Taliban – they all have the wool vests, they never smile, the Granny glasses, they drive 4x4s all the time.. I think the Taliban are lesbians – dammit, I said it!

And also, the FBI warning is starting to bug me. The FBI warning is: There’s a 100% chance of another attack. Guess what? At 100%, you can stop saying the word “chance”. It makes me mad! They say, “Look, in the next three days, there’s gonna be an attack, guaranteed.” So, you know. So what? They want us to pull our ears, to sort of scare us?

And I’m also getting mad, because, first of all, I love the experts. Everyone’s an expert. You understand this, it’s all about oil. Thanks, Professor Chopsky. It’s party about oil, but it’s partly because some people don’t like us having Britney Spears show her stomach at the M-TV Video Awards. That’s part of it, too. Anyway, a lot of celebrities are also doing their part. Dr. Dre gave a millon dollars, and he’s putting out a video attacking bin Laden. Now, I’m not a rapper – and I say that, because people mistake me. But what are the odds that that video rhymes “Osama” and “Yo mama” at some point?

I’m also getting mad because say, “An eye for an eye”. That’s my other thing, all the other people that are well-intentioned, they’re not – they’re self-righteous. And they say an eye for an eye leaves everybody blind. No, it doesn’t. It leaves everyone with one eye.

Tina Fey: Colin Quinn, everybody! Colin Quinn.

Police in India have arrested a man for threatening to kill a tiger he believes his lover from a past life. Well, at least he only wants to kill it.

Tina Fey: Finally tonight, this has been a strange month for all of us here at “Weekend Update” and New York, and all across America.

Jimmy Fallon: So we thought we’d leave you with a little bit of inspiration courtesy of.. wait, is this true?

Tina Fey: It’s inspiration, yes.

Jimmy Fallon: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Neil Diamond.

[ Neil Diamond appears in front of the Weekend Update desk ]

Neil Diamond: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Gina. Thank you, Lenny. You’re both beautiful. Let’s do this, guys. 2, 3, 4!

[ spotlight shines over Neil, as “Turn On Your Heartlight” begins to play ]

“Turn on your heartlight!
Let it shine wherever you go.
Let it make a happy glow
For all the world to see.”

[ Gay Hitler reappears, and hands Neil a long-stemmed rose ]

“Turn on your heartlight!
In the middle of a young boy’s dream.
Don’t wake me up too soon.”
Don’t do it, Gay Hitler!
“Gonna take a ride across the moon.
You and me.”

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tommorrow.

Neil Diamond: [ still singing ]
“Turn on your heartlight!
Let it shine wherever you go..”

SNL Transcripts