SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 11/03/01: America Undercover



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4


01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

America Undercover

911 Operator V/O…..Maya Rudolph
Gator…..Chris Kattan
Officer…..John Goodman
Officer 2…..Dean Edwards
Gator’s Wife…..Amy Poehler

911 Operator V/O: 911, what’s the problem, sir?

Gator V/O: My wife won’t get out of the stove.

911 Operator V/O: She trying to kill herself, sir?

Gator V/O: No… she just won’t get out of the stove.

911 Operator V/O: Okay, we’ll send somebody around.

[ dissolve to Officers entering Gator’s white trash kitchen ]

Officer: Police. We got a call about a domestic disturbance.

Gator: Come on in. She won’t come out of the stove.

Officer: Ma’am, why are you in the stove?

Gator’s Wife: Why don’t you ask him. Why don’t you ask him why I’m in the stove.

Gator: She got mad at me ’cause I wanted to do an experiment on her. She been in there for like four hours.

Officer: Ma’am, you ready to come out here and talk this out?

Gator’s Wife: …yeah.

Officer: Do you want to step out of the stove, please?

Gator’s Wife: Okay, I’ll get out of the stove. I’m sorry about this, Officer. Baby, c’mere, honey. I love you… I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SON OF A WHORE! I’M GONNA KILL YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!!

Officer: Calm down. Calm down. Alright. Now what’s the story here?

Gator’s Wife: He come home drunk again trying to do some experiment. Some fool at work told him you could rub a balloon on somebody’s head and stick it to the wall.

Gator: It’s called static electricity!

Gator’s Wife: THAT AIN’T REAL!

Officer: Ma’am, static electricity IS real. It’s as real as toothpaste. You should learn about them both.

Gator’s Wife: All I know is, he started searching around lookin’ fer a balloon fer his experiment. Starts going through my boudoirsorie, finds an old condom of mine from like ten years ago and starts going nuts!

Gator: YOU WAS HAVIN’ SEX WITH JESSE AGAIN!

Gator’s Wife: YOU’RE SO STUPID! JESSE HATES CONDOMS! C’mon!

Gator: Officer. Officer. I apologize on behalf of the lady. The truth of the matter is, she’s jealous of my experiments. ‘Cause I’m always thinking about science. I love science. And outer space….and rockets. I believe man is destined to evolve.

Officer: Well, some men are.

Gator’s Wife: I’ll tell you something, I want a big ole strong man like this, I’m gonna git in. I’m gonna drive it. Love it.

Officer: Ma’am, Ma’am please. Let’s keep this personal. I’ve got a beautiful wife and I can’t go home smelling like Jack Daniels and Easy-Off.

Gator: YOU QUIT TOUCHIN’ HIM!

Gator’s Wife: I CAN TOUCH WHOEVER I WANT!!

Gator: YOU’LL TOUCH MY FIST WITH YOUR FEMUR!!

Gator’s Wife: NO!! NO!! C’MON! YOU GIT!

Gator: Officer. Officer. Please. Let me talk to my woman. I’m a peaceful man. I like winter. I like fountains. I don’t wanna cause no trouble. Just let me talk to my woman if I might.

OFFICER 2: Alright, but no fighting.

Gator: No, sir. I love you so much…

Gator’s Wife: I HATE YOU!

GATOR spits in WIFE’s face

Officer: Aww, no spitting. Hey. Hey. Hey. Aww. No spitting.

Gator: I’M GONNA GO PEE ON YOUR SHOE!

Gator’s Wife: NO! THAT’S MY WORK SHOE!!

Officer 2: Whoa whoa whoa! That’s enough! That’s enough.

Gator: I’m still peeing on it!

Gator’s Wife: NO!

Officer: Alright, we’re not playing around anymore. Ma’am, do you want to press charges?

Gator’s Wife: (crying) I don’t wanna press charges! I love him!

Gator: I love her! I love her so much! I lost my thumb in a firecracker incident, and this woman gave me her big toe so I could have a big thumb.

Gator’s Wife: I can’t wear flip flops no more but my baby’s happy.

Gator: Oh, god, I love you so hard. I wanna start a fire just to save you from it.

Gator’s Wife: Baby, you light my cigarettes, and you kill me but I can’t quit ya.

Officer: Okay, you two have obviously worked this out.

Gator: I love you, I wanna lick your face so hard.

Gator’s Wife: I wanna suck your toe thumb.

Gator: Baby, if you love me so much, you’ll let me do this to you.

Gator’s Wife: What you gonna do baby?

(Gator rubs balloon on WIFE’s head)

Gator’s Wife: NO!!!!!! NO YOU GONNA ELECTROCUTE ME!!!!

Gator: NO I DON’T WANNA ELECTROCUTE YOU! YOU COME HERE!

Gator’s Wife: I’M GONNA GET BACK IN THE STOVE!

Gator: SHAZBOT! SHAZBOT!!!!

Submitted by: Joshua Taylor

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