SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 11/03/01: America Undercover



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4


01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

America Undercover

911 Operator V/O…..Maya Rudolph
Gator…..Chris Kattan
Officer…..John Goodman
Officer 2…..Dean Edwards
Gator’s Wife…..Amy Poehler

911 Operator V/O: 911, what’s the problem, sir?

Gator V/O: My wife won’t get out of the stove.

911 Operator V/O: She trying to kill herself, sir?

Gator V/O: No… she just won’t get out of the stove.

911 Operator V/O: Okay, we’ll send somebody around.

[ dissolve to Officers entering Gator’s white trash kitchen ]

Officer: Police. We got a call about a domestic disturbance.

Gator: Come on in. She won’t come out of the stove.

Officer: Ma’am, why are you in the stove?

Gator’s Wife: Why don’t you ask him. Why don’t you ask him why I’m in the stove.

Gator: She got mad at me ’cause I wanted to do an experiment on her. She been in there for like four hours.

Officer: Ma’am, you ready to come out here and talk this out?

Gator’s Wife: …yeah.

Officer: Do you want to step out of the stove, please?

Gator’s Wife: Okay, I’ll get out of the stove. I’m sorry about this, Officer. Baby, c’mere, honey. I love you… I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SON OF A WHORE! I’M GONNA KILL YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!!

Officer: Calm down. Calm down. Alright. Now what’s the story here?

Gator’s Wife: He come home drunk again trying to do some experiment. Some fool at work told him you could rub a balloon on somebody’s head and stick it to the wall.

Gator: It’s called static electricity!

Gator’s Wife: THAT AIN’T REAL!

Officer: Ma’am, static electricity IS real. It’s as real as toothpaste. You should learn about them both.

Gator’s Wife: All I know is, he started searching around lookin’ fer a balloon fer his experiment. Starts going through my boudoirsorie, finds an old condom of mine from like ten years ago and starts going nuts!

Gator: YOU WAS HAVIN’ SEX WITH JESSE AGAIN!

Gator’s Wife: YOU’RE SO STUPID! JESSE HATES CONDOMS! C’mon!

Gator: Officer. Officer. I apologize on behalf of the lady. The truth of the matter is, she’s jealous of my experiments. ‘Cause I’m always thinking about science. I love science. And outer space….and rockets. I believe man is destined to evolve.

Officer: Well, some men are.

Gator’s Wife: I’ll tell you something, I want a big ole strong man like this, I’m gonna git in. I’m gonna drive it. Love it.

Officer: Ma’am, Ma’am please. Let’s keep this personal. I’ve got a beautiful wife and I can’t go home smelling like Jack Daniels and Easy-Off.

Gator: YOU QUIT TOUCHIN’ HIM!

Gator’s Wife: I CAN TOUCH WHOEVER I WANT!!

Gator: YOU’LL TOUCH MY FIST WITH YOUR FEMUR!!

Gator’s Wife: NO!! NO!! C’MON! YOU GIT!

Gator: Officer. Officer. Please. Let me talk to my woman. I’m a peaceful man. I like winter. I like fountains. I don’t wanna cause no trouble. Just let me talk to my woman if I might.

OFFICER 2: Alright, but no fighting.

Gator: No, sir. I love you so much…

Gator’s Wife: I HATE YOU!

GATOR spits in WIFE’s face

Officer: Aww, no spitting. Hey. Hey. Hey. Aww. No spitting.

Gator: I’M GONNA GO PEE ON YOUR SHOE!

Gator’s Wife: NO! THAT’S MY WORK SHOE!!

Officer 2: Whoa whoa whoa! That’s enough! That’s enough.

Gator: I’m still peeing on it!

Gator’s Wife: NO!

Officer: Alright, we’re not playing around anymore. Ma’am, do you want to press charges?

Gator’s Wife: (crying) I don’t wanna press charges! I love him!

Gator: I love her! I love her so much! I lost my thumb in a firecracker incident, and this woman gave me her big toe so I could have a big thumb.

Gator’s Wife: I can’t wear flip flops no more but my baby’s happy.

Gator: Oh, god, I love you so hard. I wanna start a fire just to save you from it.

Gator’s Wife: Baby, you light my cigarettes, and you kill me but I can’t quit ya.

Officer: Okay, you two have obviously worked this out.

Gator: I love you, I wanna lick your face so hard.

Gator’s Wife: I wanna suck your toe thumb.

Gator: Baby, if you love me so much, you’ll let me do this to you.

Gator’s Wife: What you gonna do baby?

(Gator rubs balloon on WIFE’s head)

Gator’s Wife: NO!!!!!! NO YOU GONNA ELECTROCUTE ME!!!!

Gator: NO I DON’T WANNA ELECTROCUTE YOU! YOU COME HERE!

Gator’s Wife: I’M GONNA GET BACK IN THE STOVE!

Gator: SHAZBOT! SHAZBOT!!!!

Submitted by: Joshua Taylor

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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