Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 4
Ashcroft’s Press Conference
Brian Williams…..Seth Meyers
John Ashcroft…..Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Maya Rudolph
Reporter #2…..Dean Edwards
Dr. Anthony Fauci…..Chris Kattan
Brian Williams: Good evening. I’m Brian Williams. We’re just seconds away from a briefing by Attorney General John Ashcroft, who will address the growing concern of terrorism here at home.
[ cut to White House press conference ]John Ashcroft: Good evening. These are, indeed, complicated times for a great nation. But tonight, the United States Justice Department simply wishes to say: get on with your lives. Do whatever you would normally do. Also, in the next three days, there’s probably gonna be a terrorist attack on our country. [ acknowledges Reporter #1 ] Yes? Question?
Reporter #1: You said there’s gonna be a terrorist attack soon? Can you give us any more details?
John Ashcroft: Well, first of all, I didn’t say there was gonna be an attack. I said probably!
Reporter #1: How probably?
John Ashcroft: Look, numbers aren’t gonna make people feel any better. I could say there’s a 1% chance, or 2%, or.. [ looks at clipboard ] ..96.7%. I don’t know! It doesn’t matter! Let’s just do what the President said. Let’s return to our normal lives, continue to do all the things you would normally do, with confidence, with vigilence, and with the knowledge that sometime very soon, or maybe in the future, there’s gonna be a horrible terrorist attack! [ acknowledges Reporter #2 ] Yes?
Reporter #2: Helen Thomas. Can you tell us what the target of the attack will be, or when it will occur?
John Ashcroft: No, I cannot tell you, because we don’t have any idea. Again, let me say this: if we let the terrorists make us afraid of their imminent attacks, attacks that’ll probably happen tomorrow, or maybe in three weeks.. [ looks at clipboard ] ..or later today.. then we just let them win. Just live your lives, just do what you would normally do. See a movie, go to a park, go to the gas mask store.. you know, stockpile canned goods and antibiotics, the types of things you do every day! [ acknowledges Reporter #3 ] Yes, yes?
Reporter #3: Is this warning more or less severe than the last warning on Octover 11th?
John Ashcroft: More?
Reporter #3: You don’t seem sure.
John Ashcroft: Look, if I said, “Yes, this is definitely, absolutely, way, way more serious than the last one,” would that make you feel better?
Reporter #3: No.
John Ashcroft: Well, there ya go! Look, everyone, please, go back to your normalcy, live your lives, just relax. And now, here with an update on the vicious, seemingly unstoppable anthrax scourge, from the National Institute of Health, is Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thank you. I’d like to reassure the American public by saying this: we have cleaned the State Department, the White House, the Supreme Court and the Capitol Building with state-of-the-art decontamination instruments, and have installed dozens of $20 million irradiation lasers to keep all dangerous substances away from the U.S. government. [ acknoledges Reporter #1 ] Yes?
Reporter #1: What about the post offices?
Dr. Anthony Fauci: We’ve given each post office some Baby Wipes and a dustbuster.
Reporter #1: But what about the contaminated buildings in New York? Are they safe?
Dr. Anthony Fauci: I don’t know, lady! I haven’t been to New York in weeks! Do you think I’m crazy?!
[ Fauci and Ashcroft laugh at Reporter #1 ]John Ashcroft: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re out of time, so, in conclusion, I’d like to say again: live your lives as normal, and just be strong, and just be vigilent, just be confident, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
