SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 11/03/01: She’s The Girl With No Gaydar!!!


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

She’s The Girl With No Gaydar!!!

Nicole…..Rachel Dratch
Eliza…..Ana Gasteyer
Julius…..John Goodman
Troy…..Seth Meyers
Man #3…..Jimmy Fallon
Man #4…..Chris Kattan
Man #2…..Tracy Morgan
Nicole’s Father…..Will Ferrell

[open on effeminate men at house party] [Nicole and Eliza enter]

Nicole: Wow, your friend Troy’s apartment is amazing!

Eliza: I know. He’s an interior designer.

Nicole: And look at all these guys! It’s like, all these guys and we’re the only two women? This ratio’s really in our favor. Boy, I’m glad I shaved my legs all the way up, ’cause this might be my lucky night!

[Troy approaches]

Troy: Eliza!

Eliza: Hey! [Troy and she share friendly kiss] How are you?Troy: How’re ya doin’, girl?

Eliza: Good!

Troy: Good!

Eliza: This is my friend Nicole.

Nicole: [almost mouthing] Hi!

Troy: Look at you, Miss Thang, with your lips all shimmery! Is that MAC lip gloss? [Nicole nods] You-are-precious. Now listen, help yourself. We have fondue, crudités, and Andreas’ famous mintymohitos, so you-better-look-out, okay, guys? [walks away]

Eliza: Thanks.

Nicole: Wow, he is gorgeous. [to camera] Is he single?

[Eliza walks away as men surround Nicole for theme song]

“She likes a guy with washboard abs
And the latest clothes from Milan,
She likes a guy who can cry with a wry sense of humor
Cut her hair at his own salon…
She wants a real pecs-of-steel
Facial peel kind of boyfriend
She’s The Girl With No Gaydar.”

Nicole: I am in HEAVEN!

[men walk away; Nicole approaches Man #2, a man in a rainbow-striped half-shirt]

Nicole: Ooh! I love your shirt. It’s so colorful.

Man #2: Rainbow power, sweetie!

Nicole: Ooh! Hey, where’d you get these moves?

Man #2: [matter-of-factly] I’m a choreographer!

Nicole: Ooh, I like that. [dances with him] Ooh! Uh, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we’ve got some real chemistry going on here.

Man #2: Girl, you trippin’! [walks away]

Nicole: [strikes a pose] Yeah, baby!

[Eliza dances over to her]

Eliza: You having fun?

Nicole: Oh my god, I might not meet Mr. Right, but I will definitely meet Mr. Right Now.

[Eliza looks puzzled; Nicole dances over to Man #3 and Man #4]

Man #3: [to Man #4] I wanna renovate the whole house, and Eric only wants to do the bedroom.

Man #4: [groans] Well of course Eric wants to do the bedroom. All he cares about is sex, sex, sex.

[Man #3 and Man #4 laugh snootily]

Nicole: Ooh! Hey, where do I meet this Eric?

Man #3: Hello?

[Julius walks up holding small dog]

Julius: Bad news, girls. They’re out of Merlot. I’m gonna have to drink up some Cap Saf for the rest of the night.

Man #4: Quel disaster!

Man #3: I need another Cosmo.

Man #4: Let’s go.

[Man #3 and Man #4 walk away]

Nicole: Hi there. Um, I’m Nicole.

Julius: Hello, gorgeous.

Nicole: [flattered] Oh, hi.

Julius: I love this look you’ve got going. It’s like Sex and the City meets Mama Mia with a teense of “Watch out, Katie Couric!”

Nicole: [giggles] Thanks. Hey, what a cute doggy.

Julius: That’s my baby, Trifle.

Nicole: Oh! Hello!

Julius: And I-am-Julius.

Nicole: [giggles] Well, hello Trifle. And hello Julius.

[Eliza walks up with platter]

Eliza: These Vietnamese dumplings are mouthwatering.

Nicole: [whispers to Eliza] So is Julius.

Julius: [looks at platter] Oh, it looks like you got a hold of Christopher’s dumplings. [almost to himself] Wish I could.

Nicole: Oh, why didn’t you say so? Here. [feeds Julius dumpling]

Nicole: [whispers to Eliza] Not one of those rings on his finger is a wedding ring. [crosses fingers]

Julius: Oh, that cilantro really-[looks away] oh my god! They got the British Wall scones. Walter, you big ol’ queen! I’m always the last to know. [walks away] Toodles.

Nicole: He was cute, but you know that type – always carrying a dog around as a chick magnet. [chuckles] Still, I should’ve gotten his number.

Eliza: Nicole, what are you talking about? These guys are all gay!

Nicole: If these guys are all gay, then what is my dad doing here? [calls over to him] Hi, Dad!

[Nicole’s father, dressed in a leather S&M outfit, dances with another man]

Nicole’s Father: Hi, Pumpkin!

[Eliza walks away; men surround Nicole]

“She wants a real pecs-of-steel
Facial peel kind of boyfriend
She’s The Girl With No Gaydar.”

Nicole: [shoots arms out] Take a number, boys!

Submitted by: Anthony Rupert

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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