Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 4
She’s The Girl With No Gaydar!!!
Nicole…..Rachel Dratch
Eliza…..Ana Gasteyer
Julius…..John Goodman
Troy…..Seth Meyers
Man #3…..Jimmy Fallon
Man #4…..Chris Kattan
Man #2…..Tracy Morgan
Nicole’s Father…..Will Ferrell
Nicole: Wow, your friend Troy’s apartment is amazing!
Eliza: I know. He’s an interior designer.
Nicole: And look at all these guys! It’s like, all these guys and we’re the only two women? This ratio’s really in our favor. Boy, I’m glad I shaved my legs all the way up, ’cause this might be my lucky night!
Troy: Eliza!
Eliza: Hey! [Troy and she share friendly kiss] How are you?Troy: How’re ya doin’, girl?
Eliza: Good!
Troy: Good!
Eliza: This is my friend Nicole.
Nicole: [almost mouthing] Hi!
Troy: Look at you, Miss Thang, with your lips all shimmery! Is that MAC lip gloss? [Nicole nods] You-are-precious. Now listen, help yourself. We have fondue, crudités, and Andreas’ famous mintymohitos, so you-better-look-out, okay, guys? [walks away]
Eliza: Thanks.
Nicole: Wow, he is gorgeous. [to camera] Is he single?
[Eliza walks away as men surround Nicole for theme song]Chorus:
“She likes a guy with washboard abs
And the latest clothes from Milan,
She likes a guy who can cry with a wry sense of humor
Cut her hair at his own salon
She wants a real pecs-of-steel
Facial peel kind of boyfriend
She’s The Girl With No Gaydar.”
Nicole: I am in HEAVEN!
[men walk away; Nicole approaches Man #2, a man in a rainbow-striped half-shirt]Nicole: Ooh! I love your shirt. It’s so colorful.
Man #2: Rainbow power, sweetie!
Nicole: Ooh! Hey, where’d you get these moves?
Man #2: [matter-of-factly] I’m a choreographer!
Nicole: Ooh, I like that. [dances with him] Ooh! Uh, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we’ve got some real chemistry going on here.
Man #2: Girl, you trippin’! [walks away]
Nicole: [strikes a pose] Yeah, baby!
[Eliza dances over to her]Eliza: You having fun?
Nicole: Oh my god, I might not meet Mr. Right, but I will definitely meet Mr. Right Now.
[Eliza looks puzzled; Nicole dances over to Man #3 and Man #4]Man #3: [to Man #4] I wanna renovate the whole house, and Eric only wants to do the bedroom.
Man #4: [groans] Well of course Eric wants to do the bedroom. All he cares about is sex, sex, sex.
[Man #3 and Man #4 laugh snootily]Nicole: Ooh! Hey, where do I meet this Eric?
Man #3: Hello?
Julius: Bad news, girls. They’re out of Merlot. I’m gonna have to drink up some Cap Saf for the rest of the night.
Man #4: Quel disaster!
Man #3: I need another Cosmo.
Man #4: Let’s go.
[Man #3 and Man #4 walk away]Nicole: Hi there. Um, I’m Nicole.
Julius: Hello, gorgeous.
Nicole: [flattered] Oh, hi.
Julius: I love this look you’ve got going. It’s like Sex and the City meets Mama Mia with a teense of “Watch out, Katie Couric!”
Nicole: [giggles] Thanks. Hey, what a cute doggy.
Julius: That’s my baby, Trifle.
Nicole: Oh! Hello!
Julius: And I-am-Julius.
Nicole: [giggles] Well, hello Trifle. And hello Julius.
[Eliza walks up with platter]Eliza: These Vietnamese dumplings are mouthwatering.
Nicole: [whispers to Eliza] So is Julius.
Julius: [looks at platter] Oh, it looks like you got a hold of Christopher’s dumplings. [almost to himself] Wish I could.
Nicole: Oh, why didn’t you say so? Here. [feeds Julius dumpling]
Nicole: [whispers to Eliza] Not one of those rings on his finger is a wedding ring. [crosses fingers]
Julius: Oh, that cilantro really-[looks away] oh my god! They got the British Wall scones. Walter, you big ol’ queen! I’m always the last to know. [walks away] Toodles.
Nicole: He was cute, but you know that type – always carrying a dog around as a chick magnet. [chuckles] Still, I should’ve gotten his number.
Eliza: Nicole, what are you talking about? These guys are all gay!
Nicole: If these guys are all gay, then what is my dad doing here? [calls over to him] Hi, Dad!
[Nicole’s father, dressed in a leather S&M outfit, dances with another man]Nicole’s Father: Hi, Pumpkin!
[Eliza walks away; men surround Nicole]Chorus:
“She wants a real pecs-of-steel
Facial peel kind of boyfriend
She’s The Girl With No Gaydar.”
Nicole: [shoots arms out] Take a number, boys!
Submitted by: Anthony Rupert
