SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 11/03/01: Liberty Medical Insurance


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

Liberty Medical Insurance

Wilford Brimley…..John Goodman

[ open on Wilford Brimley sitting atop a horse next to a wooden fence on his farm ]

Wilford Brimley: Hi. I’m Wilford Brimley, and I’ve had diabetes for about 20 years. I stay active and I feel pretty good most of the time. See, I do things differently now. I’m not perfect, but I try to watch my diet and exercise. And I check my blood sugar, and I get all my diabetic testing supplies from Liberty Mutual.

Like I said, I’m not perfect. I guess.. some of the things I told you just now are downright fibs. Like the diet and exercise thing. When I said I watch my diet, I guess I mean I watch the minivan from Buddy’s Barbecue pull up and unload about $200 worth of pork ribs onto my driveway. While I stand in the doorway hiding my food boner in my Bermuda shorts.

When it comes to exercise, well that’s just a boldfaced lie. I’ve never moved fast enough to sweat , except when I was making a baby. Even then, I took some much-needed breaks. My doctor isn’t even sure I’ve got diabetes. He just says I look like somebody who would have it. I do check my blood-sugar every day, though, just in case. And Liberty Medical brings all the teting supplies right to my door, so it’s easy to track my health.

[ sprays whipped cream into his mouth ]

Who am I kidding? That’s bull hockey! I don’t keep track of my health at all! People just assume I eat a lot of quaker Oats, so I must be okay. Hell, I wouldn’t eat oatmeal if it was the filling in a Dove bar. I can’t stand that gobbledlygook! It always seems like somebody else ate it first. Sorry, Quaker, but I’m Wilford Brimley, I say it how I feel it.

You know what I do like, are them S’Mores. And old-fashioned wedding cake frosting – the kind that’s still got lard in it. And merangue made out of egg yolks instead of egg whites. Some people call it cholestoral, I just call it good.

If you have diabetes, you check your blood sugar, and you check it often. There’s no reason not to. Call Liberty. They can help you have a better life.

Now, I’m gonna go get off my horse by getting onto a smaller horse, and then onto a large dog, until I’m near enough to the ground to roll off.

You take care now.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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