Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 4
Liberty Medical Insurance
Wilford Brimley…..John Goodman
[ open on Wilford Brimley sitting atop a horse next to a wooden fence on his farm ]
Wilford Brimley: Hi. I’m Wilford Brimley, and I’ve had diabetes for about 20 years. I stay active and I feel pretty good most of the time. See, I do things differently now. I’m not perfect, but I try to watch my diet and exercise. And I check my blood sugar, and I get all my diabetic testing supplies from Liberty Mutual.
Like I said, I’m not perfect. I guess.. some of the things I told you just now are downright fibs. Like the diet and exercise thing. When I said I watch my diet, I guess I mean I watch the minivan from Buddy’s Barbecue pull up and unload about $200 worth of pork ribs onto my driveway. While I stand in the doorway hiding my food boner in my Bermuda shorts.
When it comes to exercise, well that’s just a boldfaced lie. I’ve never moved fast enough to sweat , except when I was making a baby. Even then, I took some much-needed breaks. My doctor isn’t even sure I’ve got diabetes. He just says I look like somebody who would have it. I do check my blood-sugar every day, though, just in case. And Liberty Medical brings all the teting supplies right to my door, so it’s easy to track my health.
[ sprays whipped cream into his mouth ]
Who am I kidding? That’s bull hockey! I don’t keep track of my health at all! People just assume I eat a lot of quaker Oats, so I must be okay. Hell, I wouldnt eat oatmeal if it was the filling in a Dove bar. I can’t stand that gobbledlygook! It always seems like somebody else ate it first. Sorry, Quaker, but I’m Wilford Brimley, I say it how I feel it.
You know what I do like, are them S’Mores. And old-fashioned wedding cake frosting – the kind that’s still got lard in it. And merangue made out of egg yolks instead of egg whites. Some people call it cholestoral, I just call it good.
If you have diabetes, you check your blood sugar, and you check it often. There’s no reason not to. Call Liberty. They can help you have a better life.
Now, I’m gonna go get off my horse by getting onto a smaller horse, and then onto a large dog, until I’m near enough to the ground to roll off.
You take care now.
[ fade out ]