Mrs. Attebury


01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Mrs. Attebury

Mrs. Ginger Attebury…..Ana Gasteyer
Mr. Leslie Attebury…..Will Ferrell
Kathy Winthrop…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Kurt al-Darwis…..Chris Kattan

Mrs. Attebury: I don’t know what possessed you to wear white socks, Leslie. You look like a bus driver.

Mr. Attebury: No one is going to be looking at my feet, Ginger.

Mrs. Attebury: I mean, didn’t Margarita leave you any dark socks?

Mr. Attebury: Well, I’d like to thank you for berating me right before my birthday party.

Mrs. Attebury: Oh, look! Here’s Kathy Winthrop! Hi, Kathy!

(Enter Kathy Winthrop)

Kathy: Hi! How are you? Oh, if it isn’t the birthday boy himself!

Mrs. Attebury: Well, at least he was two months ago. I mean, I had to postpone this whole shindig like up-teen times. First that terrorist business, and if that wasn’t enough, Minolo, my pastry chef, gets run over by a bicycle.

Mr. Attebury: I never said I wanted a party, Ginger.

Kathy: I mean, can the international news be more inconvenient these days? I mean, this whole war thing is like, too much. Don’t you just love it?

Mrs. Attebury: I can’t stand it! I mean, you don’t have to tell me. I mean, I had to move this whole affair over to the club at the last minute. We received a suspicious package from Sotheby’s. So, I had to truck in a whole haz-mat squad to decontaminate the entire house. I mean, you just can’t take any chances. You just can’t.

Kathy: I know. People seem to just be going crazy. I heard that Charlie McCatcher and his wife started experiencing double vision at the same time. They immediately go to the doctor, assuming they have the anthrax. Turns out it was only their cook, who had been trying to poison them. Isn’t that just dreadful? I mean, don’t you love it?

Mrs. Attebury: I mean, that is just deluxe! I love it! I mean, people are just so skiddish these days. It seems like everyone is just overreacting.

Mr. Attebury: You mean like sending an entire haz-mat team over to the house?

Mrs. Attebury: Well, anyway. It’s just too much. You know who is really overreacting is those postal workers.

Kathy: Yeah! I mean, talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Mr. Attebury: I’m going to the bar. (Walks away)

Mrs. Attebury: Grab me another splash, would you darling? Now, just so you know: Leslie has invited a few friends from the office, one of whom is apparently of Persian decent.

Kathy: Oh, my! What a coincidence! I thought I had a Persian gardener for six years until I found out he was Mexican.

Mrs. Attebury: Well, anyway. You might want to mind your p’s and q’s when it comes to the recent unpleasantness. I wouldn’t mention anything about wars, or caves, or turbans, or any of that kind of thing. Les! Oh! Les, over here!

(Mr. Attebury comes back with Kurt al-Darwis)

Mr. Attebury: Ladies, this is Kurt al-Darwis.

Kathy: Well, look at you! Without the turban, I can tell you’re one of the good ones!

Mrs. Attebury: (laughs) But seriously, I mean, you must be in a real pickle right now. I mean, who do you root for in this little tennis match? I mean, your new homeland or the folks back home in the caves?

Mr. Attebury: You’re a regular ambassador, Ginger.

Kurt: No, it’s alright. Actually, I was born in Wisconsin. My grandfather was Lebanese.

Kathy: Well, you must be familiar with some of these customs. I mean, I know your people have done some pretty horrible things, but you have to admit that they do know how to make the most wonderful rugs!

Kurt: Excuse me?

Mrs. Attebury: And I know, it’s true. Sign me up for one of those head to toe, full length numbers. I mean, believe me, the way I look some mornings I’d just rather throw one of those things on and be donw with the whole thing!

Kathy: Maybe they should start carrying those at Talbots!

Mrs. Attebury: Oh, they should! Wouldn’t that be a neat cross-cultural thing! Kurt, now do your wives have to wear those things?

Kurt: Well, actually my wife is a Methodist, so, no.

Mrs. Attebury: Now, Kurt, don’t take this the wrong way….

Mr. Attebury: I’m sure he will.

Mrs. Attebury: …But I just have to ask you, did you take a lot of gus from your family for shaving off that long beard?

Kurt: Beard? Right…

Mr. Attebury: Scotch?

Kurt: Yes, thank you!

Kathy: Now, tell me Kurt, have you taken your pilgrimage yet?

Kurt: Uh, no, actually…..

Kathy: I know personally I feel the same way about the back room at Lohman’s. It’s like my own personal little Mecca.

(Kathy and Mrs. Attebury laugh)

Kurt: Well, I think that I have a magic lamp that needs polishing. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go hop on my camel and go.

(Kurt leaves)

Mrs. Attebury: Hmph! Well, now I know how Salman Rushdie must feel.

Kathy: Talk about touching!

Mrs. Attebury: I mean, wasn’t that too much?

Kathy: I know!

Mrs. Attebury: I love it!

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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