Boston Teens


01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Boston Teens

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Maureen…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Photographer…..Amy Poehler
Frank…..Horatio Sanz
Teacher…..Tina Fey


Sully: Hey, Tommy! Tommy, is it on? What’s up? This is Pat Sullivan at the Lexington High School Fall Formal! My boy Tommy and I are officially covering it for our video yearbook. I am sporting my signature cream-colored tux, as well as the top hat I bought last summer at Hats in the Belfry in Quincy, Mahkets. David Lee Roth, eat yah heart out!

[ Denise enters scene ]

Denise: Oh, my Gahd! Sully, I scoped it out! Apparently, your $35 gets you chips, pretzels and English muffin pizzas. Four-star cuisine? I beg to differ!

Sully: Luckily, Denise and I bring a party with us wherever we go!

Denise: Oh, yeah! These are my own creation. Zazoo’s famous Sharks-in-a-Blanket. Simply soak an everyday hot dog bun in Vodka, and enjoy!

Sully: To passersby, you appear to be simply eating a bag of hot dog buns.

Denise: Yeah! This near-perfect food coats your stomach as it inebriates.

Sully: My girl is a genius! Denise, you are a vision of juggery. Tell the video yearbook who you are wearing.

Denise: Alright, this is a two-tone acetate creation, that was purchased during a rare, yet torturous, mother-daughter shopping spree at Brisbon’s.

Sully: May I say, that dress is gonna look wicked good crumpled up on the soccer field behind the junior high!

Denise: You ah so retahded!

Sully: You ah! [ they make out ] [ Maureen enters scene ]

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd! Denise, I have an emergency, I am totally freaking out!

Sully: What a shockah.

Denise: Calm down, Mo. Settle, settle!

Sully: Denise’s best friend, Maureen. While she is empirically hot, she is more dramatic than a hospital scene in a Mexican soap opera.

Denise: Unload yah problems on Dr. Zazoo. Zazoo!

Maureen: I just felt so wicked guilty, Denise. I nevah should have come here tonight without Scottie.

Denise: Oh, my Gahd. Maureen is unaccompanied tonight because her long-time boyfriend Scottie is in federal custody for mailing a parcel of baking powder to Mr. Mirge.

Sully: Although Mirge is in perfect health, the authorities did detect trace amounts of brown spores in his jahkey shorts!

Maureen: Scottie Donovan has no link to the Al-Quaida network, and it will be proven so in a court of lawh! [ crying ] Oh, my Gahd.. Scottie is such a sweethaht, and I’m so totally about to cheat on him with Shane DeSalvo!

Denise: Maureen, you can survive one night by yourself! Come on!

Sully: When Denise went to Regionals for softball, I busied myself with other prahjects. Sometimes I busied myself four or five times a day. On one occasion, my mother caught me busying myself to a particularly fetching photo of Sela Wahd on the cover of “Redbook”.

Maureen: Eugh!

Denise: You ah so gross!

Sully: You ah! [ they make out ]

Maureen: Denise, I’m not as strong as you! Scottie is the mirror which reflects my self-esteem, and without his loving gaze, I am all but forced to turn to the waiting arms and probing tongue of Mr. Shane DeSalvo.

Denise: Maureen, you gotta be yah own person!

Sully: Hey, Tommy, get a shot of this! I can make her ahm look like a butt! [ folds her arm over to demonstrate ]

Denise: Look, Maureen, you gotta respect yourself before anybody else is gonna respect you.

Maureen: Zazoo, you ah so smaht. I’m gonna go under the bleachers and tell Shane no.

Denise: Alright. Good girl.

[ Maureen exits ]

Sully: Crisis averted. Now, no formal would be complete without professional quality photos to preserve your memories and her mammories.

Denise: Shut up!

Sully: You shut up! [ they make out as he carries her to the backdrop ] This year’s theme is Crisp Autumn Nights/United We Party. So the Mirecker Photo Company has provided a backdrop of both fall foliage and a picture of Congress.

Photographer: Oh, my Gahd! Oh, hi, how are you kids, you look gorgeous. How about it, huh? Tie me a life, right?

Denise: Yeah..

Photographer: Alright. Put your ahms around her, alright, great. I want you to cock your head a little bit to the left, alright? I need ya to cock it. Alight? Give me a little more cock, I need a little bit more cock.

Sully: Tommy, are you getting this!

[ Tommy nods ]

Photographer: Alright, over here, now. Here’s a birdie, watch her. [ snaps picture ] Good, alright, you’re on.

Sully: Hold on, uh.. I gotta get a shot with my other escort for the evening. [ turns around to reveal “Nomar 5” painted on his tux ] Nomar!! Nomar, baby!!

Denise: Oh, my Gahd, Sully, you’re gonna lose your deposit!

Sully: Nuh-uh! I’m gonna dye the tux black before I return it.

Denise: Oh, good thinking.

Sully: Yeah.

[ Maureen re-enters scene ]

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd, Denise, I’m having a conniption! Frank offered me a sip of his drink, and it turns out he crushed up his cat’s asthma medicine and mixed it with Sunny D! I feel kinda dizzy! Oh, my Gahd, am I gonna die!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No! Seriously, Mo, cut the hystrionics, you’re not gonna perish!

Sully: Nothing to worry about. Frank’s been eating cat pills for years. The only side effect is super-human night vision.

[ Frank enters scene ]

Frank: Hey, Maureen. I can see through your dress.

Maureen: I swear to Gahd, Frank. When the FBI releases Scottie, he is gonna kick your ass so hard!

Frank: Nuh-uh. I can see through a door, I would know if he was coming. And I’d be waiting for him with my nunchucks!

Denise: [ looking ] Oh, my Gahd! Hide the contraband! Here comes Ms. Polaski!

[ Teacher enters ]

Teacher: Hey, whaddaya got there, hot dog buns?! Yeah, I’m on to you, Sullivan! Your wet buns better have a weiner in them!

Sully: Tommy, please tell me you got that!

[ Tommy nods ] [ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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