Boston Teens

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Boston Teens

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Maureen…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Photographer…..Amy Poehler
Frank…..Horatio Sanz
Teacher…..Tina Fey

Sully: Hey, Tommy! Tommy, is it on? What’s up? This is Pat Sullivan at the Lexington High School Fall Formal! My boy Tommy and I are officially covering it for our video yearbook. I am sporting my signature cream-colored tux, as well as the top hat I bought last summer at Hats in the Belfry in Quincy, Mahkets. David Lee Roth, eat yah heart out!

[ Denise enters scene ]

Denise: Oh, my Gahd! Sully, I scoped it out! Apparently, your $35 gets you chips, pretzels and English muffin pizzas. Four-star cuisine? I beg to differ!

Sully: Luckily, Denise and I bring a party with us wherever we go!

Denise: Oh, yeah! These are my own creation. Zazoo’s famous Sharks-in-a-Blanket. Simply soak an everyday hot dog bun in Vodka, and enjoy!

Sully: To passersby, you appear to be simply eating a bag of hot dog buns.

Denise: Yeah! This near-perfect food coats your stomach as it inebriates.

Sully: My girl is a genius! Denise, you are a vision of juggery. Tell the video yearbook who you are wearing.

Denise: Alright, this is a two-tone acetate creation, that was purchased during a rare, yet torturous, mother-daughter shopping spree at Brisbon’s.

Sully: May I say, that dress is gonna look wicked good crumpled up on the soccer field behind the junior high!

Denise: You ah so retahded!

Sully: You ah! [ they make out ] [ Maureen enters scene ]

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd! Denise, I have an emergency, I am totally freaking out!

Sully: What a shockah.

Denise: Calm down, Mo. Settle, settle!

Sully: Denise’s best friend, Maureen. While she is empirically hot, she is more dramatic than a hospital scene in a Mexican soap opera.

Denise: Unload yah problems on Dr. Zazoo. Zazoo!

Maureen: I just felt so wicked guilty, Denise. I nevah should have come here tonight without Scottie.

Denise: Oh, my Gahd. Maureen is unaccompanied tonight because her long-time boyfriend Scottie is in federal custody for mailing a parcel of baking powder to Mr. Mirge.

Sully: Although Mirge is in perfect health, the authorities did detect trace amounts of brown spores in his jahkey shorts!

Maureen: Scottie Donovan has no link to the Al-Quaida network, and it will be proven so in a court of lawh! [ crying ] Oh, my Gahd.. Scottie is such a sweethaht, and I’m so totally about to cheat on him with Shane DeSalvo!

Denise: Maureen, you can survive one night by yourself! Come on!

Sully: When Denise went to Regionals for softball, I busied myself with other prahjects. Sometimes I busied myself four or five times a day. On one occasion, my mother caught me busying myself to a particularly fetching photo of Sela Wahd on the cover of “Redbook”.

Maureen: Eugh!

Denise: You ah so gross!

Sully: You ah! [ they make out ]

Maureen: Denise, I’m not as strong as you! Scottie is the mirror which reflects my self-esteem, and without his loving gaze, I am all but forced to turn to the waiting arms and probing tongue of Mr. Shane DeSalvo.

Denise: Maureen, you gotta be yah own person!

Sully: Hey, Tommy, get a shot of this! I can make her ahm look like a butt! [ folds her arm over to demonstrate ]

Denise: Look, Maureen, you gotta respect yourself before anybody else is gonna respect you.

Maureen: Zazoo, you ah so smaht. I’m gonna go under the bleachers and tell Shane no.

Denise: Alright. Good girl.

[ Maureen exits ]

Sully: Crisis averted. Now, no formal would be complete without professional quality photos to preserve your memories and her mammories.

Denise: Shut up!

Sully: You shut up! [ they make out as he carries her to the backdrop ] This year’s theme is Crisp Autumn Nights/United We Party. So the Mirecker Photo Company has provided a backdrop of both fall foliage and a picture of Congress.

Photographer: Oh, my Gahd! Oh, hi, how are you kids, you look gorgeous. How about it, huh? Tie me a life, right?

Denise: Yeah..

Photographer: Alright. Put your ahms around her, alright, great. I want you to cock your head a little bit to the left, alright? I need ya to cock it. Alight? Give me a little more cock, I need a little bit more cock.

Sully: Tommy, are you getting this!

[ Tommy nods ]

Photographer: Alright, over here, now. Here’s a birdie, watch her. [ snaps picture ] Good, alright, you’re on.

Sully: Hold on, uh.. I gotta get a shot with my other escort for the evening. [ turns around to reveal “Nomar 5” painted on his tux ] Nomar!! Nomar, baby!!

Denise: Oh, my Gahd, Sully, you’re gonna lose your deposit!

Sully: Nuh-uh! I’m gonna dye the tux black before I return it.

Denise: Oh, good thinking.

Sully: Yeah.

[ Maureen re-enters scene ]

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd, Denise, I’m having a conniption! Frank offered me a sip of his drink, and it turns out he crushed up his cat’s asthma medicine and mixed it with Sunny D! I feel kinda dizzy! Oh, my Gahd, am I gonna die!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No! Seriously, Mo, cut the hystrionics, you’re not gonna perish!

Sully: Nothing to worry about. Frank’s been eating cat pills for years. The only side effect is super-human night vision.

[ Frank enters scene ]

Frank: Hey, Maureen. I can see through your dress.

Maureen: I swear to Gahd, Frank. When the FBI releases Scottie, he is gonna kick your ass so hard!

Frank: Nuh-uh. I can see through a door, I would know if he was coming. And I’d be waiting for him with my nunchucks!

Denise: [ looking ] Oh, my Gahd! Hide the contraband! Here comes Ms. Polaski!

[ Teacher enters ]

Teacher: Hey, whaddaya got there, hot dog buns?! Yeah, I’m on to you, Sullivan! Your wet buns better have a weiner in them!

Sully: Tommy, please tell me you got that!

[ Tommy nods ] [ zoom out to fade ]

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