Carmelo (Announcer)…..Horatio Sanz
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
Patricia Veleez…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Man with Gary, the dog…..Tracy Morgan
Carmelo: Now it’s time for Fiesta Politica with your host, Rebecca!
Rebecca: (singing and dancing surrounded by men)
“Caliente, men are hot!
Caliente, men are hot!
¿Que? Hot things are hot!
Hot, hot, hot! ¡Oy!”
Carmelo: Ooh! Rebecca!
Rebecca: Oy, gracias, Carmelo!
Rebecca: Ok. Time now to get serious. This is my political talk show, where we talk about the politics. Now … let’s …. do it! Ay, ay, ay! (Sits down) Seriously now, serious, I am seriously about this. My first guest is from the politics, Donald Rumsfeld! Ay, Donald!
(Enter Donald Rumsfeld)
Donald Rumsfeld: (mumbling to self) What the hell?
Rebecca: Hola! So, Donald, you do the politics?
Donald Rumsfeld: Yes, I’m the United States Secretary of Defense. I’m touring Latin America explaining the U.S. position in the Middle East.
Rebecca: Oh, ok. Now what is like being the male secretary?
Donald Rumsfeld: (shakes head) I’m not exactly a male secretary. It’s more complex than that.
Rebecca: You know what I think is complex? Is the men. They have the nice muscles, and their beautiful fingers, and of course, their gorgeous bananas!
Carmelo: Ooh! (Stuffs a banana in his mouth) Bananas!
Donald Rumsfeld: What the hell kind of place is this?
Rebecca: Oy! Who is it? It’s a surprise! It’s a surprise! Come in.
(Enter Patricia Veleez)
Patricia Veleez: Hola!
Rebecca: Oh my goodness! It’s Patricia Veleez from show de television’s “Noches de Amor!” Hola, Patricia!
Patricia Veleez: Hola! I went from one TV show to a different TV show. Two TV shows. Two TV shows!
(Rebecca and Patricia scream in excitement)
Rebecca: It’s wonderful! Welcome to the show! Patricia, this is politic, Donald Rumsfeld!
Patricia Veleez: Ooh!
Donald Rumsfeld: Ladies, I think there is a misunderstanding. I was told that this was a political show.
Rebecca: Yes, we are really going to get down to the gritty nitties of the politics. But first!
(Patricia and Rebecca grab microphones and the men from earlier come back out dancing again)
Patricia Veleez: Sing!
Rebecca: Come on, Donald!
Patricia and Rebecca: (singing)
“Can you feel it?”
Donald Rumsfeld: (interrupting) What the hell?
Patricia and Rebecca: (still singing)
“Can you feel it?
I’m on fire,
Grab your coat, now,
Put it out now!”
Patricia Veleez: Ay, madre!
Carmelo: Ooh! She said “put it out!!”
Rebecca: Oh my goodness! This is the best political talk show I ever have!
Patricia Veleez: I never liked the politics, but when I sing and dance about it I feel, ooh! Ay, madre! What about you, Donald?
Donald Rumsfeld: I don’t have any idea what you are talking about, but by God, it’s refreshing!
Rebecca: Patricia, tell us about your role on “Noches de Amor.”
Patricia Veleez: I play Cristina and Pescina Morales. They are very wealthy twins, and one is evil.
Rebecca: Ok. (Whistle blows in background) Oh, no! I can’t believe this is happening!
Patricia Veleez: Ay!
Donald Rumsfeld: What’s going on?
Rebecca: Everybody, it’s Gary!
(Man comes out pushing a cart with a small chihuahua on it)
Rebecca and Patricia Veleez: Hola Gary!
Donald Rumsfeld: Hi Gary!
Carmelo: Ooh! Gary!
Man: That’s right everyone! Gary has a haircut!
Rebecca: Oh my goodness! Hola Gary! You just keep getting prettier! Oh, my baby! Oh, Gary. Adios, Gary! Bye, bye, my baby!
Donald Rumsfeld: Bye, Gary!
Patricia Veleez: Now, Donald. Tell us about the Northern Alliance’s taking of Mazar-e-Sharif!
Donald Rumsfeld: Look, why don’t you just forget Ubekistan ….. you gals are lovely, lonely, and damn, you’re fine! God bless you!
Rebecca: Come on, Donald! Here’s the fun part! Come on!
“Fiesta Politica! Fiesta Politica!”
Donald Rumsfeld: What?
Rebecca: I love it! Thank you so much for joining!
(Rumsfeld dances with Gary as Patricia and Rebecca sing)
Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!