Gwyneth Paltrow’s Monologue


01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Monologue

…..Gwyneth Paltrow
…..Maya Rudolph


Gwyneth Paltrow: Thanks! Thank you so much! It’s so great to be here! I’m having so much fun this week! I hosted once before, but this week has been really extra-special to me because one of my best friends is on the show now, and I’m so proud of her. We’ve known each other since we were seven years old, and she’s super-funny and talented, and I’m so glad she’s in the cast. Her name is Maya Rudolph! Maya, come out here!

Maya Rudolph: [ appears onstage ] Hey!

Gwyneth Paltrow: Isn’t this crazy!

Maya Rudolph: I know, this is so crazy! But it’s great, it’s great!

Gwyneth Paltrow: Here’s our class picture in 5th grade – this is real. [ picture is shown onscreen ] There’s Maya, and I’m the one on the right.

Maya Rudolph: Look, there’s Mary!

Gwyneth Paltrow: And there’s our friend Mary – she’s here tonight, too – she’s in the middle.

Maya Rudolph: Oh, look at our hair! Our dads are also best friends from college, and they’re watching us together tonight. Hi, Dad!

Gwyneth Paltrow: Hi, Daddy! The last time, actually, our dads saw us on stage together was in 5th grade, when we were in the class play “The Nightengale”.

Maya Rudolph: That’s right! You played the beautiful nightengale, and I played the maid. That was fun!

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah! Gosh, and now here we are.

Maya Rudolph: I know, this is unbelievable! It’s almost like I’m hosting with you.

Gwyneth Paltrow: [ hesitates ] Yeah..

Maya Rudolph: I’m sorry, should I go?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh, no, no.. totally, stay up here!

Maya Rudolph: Are you sure?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah.. yeah..

[ awkward pause ]

Maya Rudolph: So, we sure had a lot of fun back then, huh?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah. But then, when we 11, I had to move here to New York.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah. And then, later, your career just took off, and I went to school in Santa Cruz. So, that worked out for both of us.

Gwyneth Paltrow: But now you’re doing so great! And we get to be in a sketch together!

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, that’s right!

Gwyneth Paltrow: I play Britney Spears.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, you are hysterical in that!

Gwyneth Paltrow: Well, youÂ’re in the scene, too!

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, I play the maid. It’s pretty cool. Hey! Remember when you won the Oscar for “Shakespeare In Love”, and I called you and I told you how proud I was of you?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh yes, that was so sweet. Oh, remember when you had that little part on that black doctors show?

Maya Rudolph: “City of Angels”.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah, yeah! And you called me and asked me if I was proud of you!

Maya Rudolph: [ pause ] Hey. You know what, don’t we have another picture of us that we can look at? [ another picture is shown ] Oh, my God!

Gwyneth Paltrow: There’s our friend Mary again, in the middle!

Maya Rudolph: Look at us! Look at the way we’re dressed! What were we thinking? I have purple acid-wash jeans on. We were really jacked pu that day because we had just seen “Flashdance”.

Gwyneth Paltrow: [ laughing ] Oh, my God! Remember how really into that movie we were?

Maya Rudolph: Yep.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Remember how we sang that song for our 6th grade talent show, and totally bombed?

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, we did. You want to take another shot at it?

Together: [ singing ]
“First when there’s nothing
But a slow glowing dream
That your fear seems to hide
Deep inside your mind.

All alone I have cried
Silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel,
Made of stone.

What a feeling.
Bein’s believin’.
I can have it all, now I’m dancing for my life..”

Gwyneth Paltrow: We have a great show for you tonight! Ryan Adams is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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