01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet
Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Heather Rosenfeld….Rachel Dratch
Mordy Kiddle….Chris Kattan
Imaginary goat voice…..Horatio Sanz
Singers: [ voice-over ]
“He loves animals
And they love him back.
Inter-species friends
We ain’t kidding, mac!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!”
Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. (A purple animal appears from behind the palm tree on TRACY’s left, then slips back behind it. The disclaimer changes and the voice-over continues to read, as a blue antelope and a green monkey appear on TRACY’s right)
Voice-Over: He is simple an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves, tonight on…
Singers: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow: Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet! I’m Brian Fellow! (He gets a strong applause). Tonight we are gonna meet some animals who aren’t cute or cuddly, they’re weird. And I’m very excited and a little scared. So let’s get going! Our first guest enjoys eating tin cans and what not. Please welcome…a goat! (Heather Rosenfeld enters with a goat) And who are you?
Heather Rosenfeld: I’m Heather Rosenfeld of the Mid-Vermont Animal Allies Educational Cooperative in Rutland!
Brian Fellow: Of the what?
Heather Rosenfeld: The Mid-Vermont Animal Allies Educational Cooperative in Rutland!
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Heather Rosenfeld: Yes, I know.
Brian Fellow: That goat is weird!
Heather Rosenfeld: This is Thunder, she’s a spotted milking goat, and she was birthed during a severe rain storm, hence the name!
Brian Fellow: He has devil eyes!
Heather Rosenfeld: Well it’s actually a “she” Doctor Fellow, or a “doe” in goat talk.
Brian Fellow: Goats can’t talk, that’s crazy!
Heather Rosenfeld: (Confused) Well, what I mean by “goat talk” is the lingo that goaters like myself use. Of course, goats can’t talk!
Brian Fellow: That’s what I said.
Heather Rosenfeld: Yeah, th-they can’t talk.
Brian Fellow: I bet if this goat could talk, he would say things like curse words and call people “Doo-Doo Head”, and sing naughty songs….he’s weird!
Heather Rosenfeld: Well, its a “she”.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Heather Rosenfeld: I know. I know.
Brian Fellow: He just smiled at me! The devil goat smiled at me! Take him away!
Heather Rosenfeld: All right. Come on Thunder!(They leave the set)
Brian Fellow: I know goats can’t talk, but they can smile, and I don’t like that! (To camera) Sorry, our next guest is very special. Please welcome a miniature horse! (Mordy Kiddle enteres with a miniature horse) And who are you?
Mordy Kiddle: I’m Mordy Kiddle from the Animal Rescue Center in Phoenix, Arizona.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Mordy Kiddle: (confused) This is Apples, and she’s a miniature horse, and she’s one of our rescued animals. She was saved from a circus fire after some clowns set fire to some oily rags and burned down the Big Top…………Unfortunatley the monkeys weren’t so lucky.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Mordy Kiddle: (not knowing what to say) Hello!
Brian Fellow: That’s the biggest dog I’ve ever seen!………..What’s wrong with that dog?
Mordy Kiddle: Umm, its actually not a dog, its a miniature horse….
Brian Fellow: I wanna see that dog catch a frisbee!
Mordy Kiddle: Well sometimes people mistake, uh, him for a pony but he’s never a dog.
Brian Fellow: Did you see that weird goat?
Mordy Kiddle: Yeah.
Brian Fellow: He had devil eyes! I hope he gone!
Mordy Kiddle: Well, as I was saying, there’s an interesting difference between a pony and a miniature horse like Apples here…
A thought bubble appears above Brian Fellow’s head with the “devil goat” talking to him.
Imaginary goat– You think goats can’t talk don’t you Brian Fellow? That’s why everyone calls you a Doo-Doo Head! Haahaa! Brian Fellow’s a Doo-Doo Head! Ahhhhh!
Brian Fellow: SHUT UP!
Mordy Kiddle: Did you just tell me to shut up?
Brian Fellow: No, I was talking to that goat!
Mordy Kiddle: Wh-What goat?
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Mordy Kiddle: I know that! I’m Mordy, and we’re talking about my miniature horse, Apples!
Brian Fellow: If that goat is still here, I’m gonna wait outside his dressing room and just kill him.
Mordy Kiddle: Thats terrible! Hurting a little goat?
Brian Fellow: Can I bring your dog with me to help me trick that goat?…………Well that’s all the time we have today! Join me next time when we are gonna meet a tree frog. (starts laughing) Thats funny! A tree frog! I’m Brian Fellow!
Thanks to Justin Chilinski for this transcript!
