Nick Burns, Your Company Computer Guy


01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Nick Burns, Your Company Computer Guy

Employee #1…..Rachel Dratch
Employee #2…..Jeff Richards
Employee #3…..Chris Kattan
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Nick’s Dad…..Billy Bob Thornton

Employee #1: Dammit! I can’t print this file! Has anybody seen the computer guy, I paged him like five times!

Employee #2: Who? Nick Burns? I called about twenty minutes ago, and he told me to go soak my head.

Employee #3: I don’t like that guy.

Employee #1: Well, where is he? Every time I try to print this file, the computer shuts down due to insufficiant memory!

Nick Burns: [ entering ] Maybe the computer shuts down ’cause you have 32 megabytes of RAM and you’re trying to run a program that takes 128 to function smoothly, X-Lax!

Jingle: “Nick, the computer guy, he’ll fix you’re computer, and then he’s gonna make fun of you, cause he’s Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy.”

Nick Burns: Okay, okay, who 9-1-1ed my pagers? I was trying to have lunch with my dad. Sorry about this, Pop, it shouldn’t take long.

Nick’s Dad: [ enters ] Oh, don’t worry, son. I always wanted to see where they train for the Special Olympics!

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Good one, dad! Okay, what’s up, geniuses? [ they all start talking at once ] Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn’t install dual-processors in my brain! Okay, one at a time.

Employee #1: Okay, well, I’m the one who paged you.

Nick Burns: Okay, well, what’s the emergency?

Employee #1: Um.. there’s not enough memory to print, and I need a hard copy so I can get out of here early.

Nick Burns: Oh, that is an emergency! Gee, we’d better hurry up so you can get home to eat Snackwells and talk to your cats.

Nick’s Dad: [ laughing ] That’s a good one, son!

Nick Burns: Thanks, Dad.

Nick’s Dad: It reminds me of a saying we had in the 70’s – you sohuld try reading your manuals instead of sitting around fiddling with your Wang!

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Wang! Nice one, dad!

Employee #1: Well, could you help me print this file?

Nick Burns: Yeah, what other programs do you have running?

Employee #1: Uh.. how do I find that out.

Nick Burns: Go to your applications folder.

Employee #1: Okay, where’s that at?

Nick Burns: Your control strip.

Employee #1: What? Which..

Nick Burns: It’s by the tool bar.

Employee #1: Okay.. which tool bar..?

Nick Burns: Move! [ sits down ] Geez Louise, your I-Mac is slow. It’s slower than Starr Jones on a treadmill. [ presses buttons, pages start printing ] Was that so hard? See what I’m talking about, Dad?

Nick’s Dad: You’re right, son. These guy are about as quick as an Intel Pentium – I!

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Who’s next?

Employee #2: Hey, Nick, how’s it’s going?

Nick’s Dad: Oh, is this the guy that goes to the Dudes With Boobs web site?

Nick Burns: No. You’ve Got She-Male is back here. This is the guy who refused to open his e-mail because he was afraid he’d get anthrax.

Nick’s Dad: [ laughs ] What a bonehead!

Employee #2: Hey, Nick, is that your dad?

Nick Burns: Congratulations! Oh, wow, you figured that out without having to use a Lifeline.

Employee #2: [ slightly confused ] Oh.. that’s like that show, huh?

Nick’s Dad: You know, I think I can help this guy. [ presses one button, computer turns on ] Done!

Nick Burns: Was I right about these guys?

Nick’s Dad: That guy’s about as dense as a line coat from Duke Nukem 3!

Nick Burns: [ laughs ] God, you are on fire! That’s hilarious, Dad! Hey, can I use that in the chat room?

Nick’s Dad: Oh no, that’s mine.

Nick Burns: Okay. Let’s check on Skeeter. [ approaches Employee #3 ] Okay, what’s your problem?

Employee #3: I can’t hear through the speakers while I’m transferring my MP3s to my new I-Pod.

Nick Burns: I-Pod? Gee, that holds 1000 songs.

Employee #3: Yeah. So, what’s your point?

Nick Burns: Well, how many albums does Frankie Goes to Hollywood have?

Employee #3: Ha ha ha! They had two! Now, why don’t my speakers work?

Nick Burns: Well, hit your Hot key through your control strip there.

Employee #3: My.. my Hot key?

Nick Burns: Move! [ sits ] Okay, it says the firewall is functional. Let’s check the control panel..

Nick’s Dad: Hey, son, I think..

Nick Burns: Hey, Dad, I’m working! [ hits a few other keys ] Let’s check the output speaker here..

Nick’s Dad: Son, I.. I..

Nick Burns: Dad, please, give me a break, let me try this..

Nick’s Dad: Move! [ sits ] Okay, it’s not your fault. This jughead here left his quarter-inch adapter in his headphone jack.

Employee #3: Wow! Not so smart, are we, Nick?

[ Nick unplugs the speaker, as Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” eminates through the room ]

Nick Burns: [ dancing ] Hey, you like Wham! huh?

Employee #3: [ angry ] I was dubbing that for my girlfriend!

Nick’s Dad: Did you meet her at the Dudes With Boobs web site?

Nick Burns: I’m outta here! You wanna go home or something?

Nick’s Dad: Uh, you know what, I’ve got a better idea. Let’s go see “Monsters, Inc.” and look for glitches in the animation.

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Let’s get out of here. Oh, by the way, everyone..

Together: You’re welcome!

Jingle: “‘Cause he’s Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy.”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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