Donald Rumsfeld Press Briefing
Donald Rumsfield…..Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Ana Gasteyer
Reporter #2…..Seth Meyers
Reporter #3…..Rachel Dratch
Reporter #4…..Will Ferrell
Reporter #5…..Amy Poehler
Reporter #6…..Maya Rudolph
Reporter #7…..Dean Edwards
Donald Rumsfeld: Uh.. [ checks his watch ] ..good afternoon. Today marks the end of the sixth week of our military campaign in Afghanistan. Although the campaign continues to meet with success, let me remind you, as I’ve done many times before, it’s only part of the larger war on terror! Now, I’ll be happy to take any questions you may have. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes?
Reporter #1: Today also marks the beginning of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan. Does the U.S. plan on suspending its bombing campaign during this period?
Donald Rumsfeld: Do we plan? Do we plan to cease bombing during Ramadan? I suppose my answer to that would be I’m not gonna tell you. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes?
Reporter #2: We’re getting reports of U.S. special-ops forces being dropped into Taliban areas with camoflauge and night-vision goggles. This means the Taliban soldiers won’t be able to see our troops, but we’ll be able to see them. Is that fair?
Donald Rumsfeld: Is it fair? I imagine my reply to would be that life itself is not fair. In war, one tries to maximize one’s advantage, fair or unfair, wherere possible. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.
Reporter #3: Um.. yes. With our military campaign stalled, and the opposition forces seemingly bogged down in a quagmire, isn’t there a danger the U.S. will look like a weakling and thus lose support of the Afghan people?
Donald Rumsfeld: Isn’t that the same question you asked last week?
Reporter #3: Oh, I’m sorry. Um.. okay.. with our military campaign moving so rapidly, and opposition forces easily running over Taliban areas, isn’t their a danger the U.S. will look like a bully, and thus lose its support of the Afghan people?
Donald Rumsfeld: Uh, that sounds like an interesting question, and certainly well-intentioned.. but I’m gonna be honest with you, I drifted off in the middle of it! [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.
Reporter #4: We’re being told that Northern Alliance forces are firing back at Taliban troops who have fired on them, even though the Taliban troops have missed. Does the U.S. condone that?
Donald Rumsfeld: Now, what kind of question is that?
Reporter #4: Thought-provoking?
Donald Rumsfeld: Noooo.
Reporter #4: Incisive?
Donald Rumsfeld: Noooo. Remember what I said about your question the other day?
Reporter #4: That it was.. idioitic?
Donald Rumsfeld: And?
Reporter #4: And that I’m an embarrassment both to myself and my newspaper?
Donald Rumsfeld: That’s right! [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes, you have a question?
Reporter #5: [ shaking head ] No. No.
Donald Rumsfeld: You had your hand up!
Reporter #5: Well, I did.. but I don’t want to ask my question any more.
Donald Rumsfeld: Why not?
Reporter #5: Too scared.
Donald Rumsfeld: Alright, does anyone else have any questions? [ ] Nobody? Alright, I have a question. Why am I doing this? I had a satisfying, highly-paid career in the private sector. What would possess me to take this job, so I could stand here day after day and answer a lot of fool questions from a collection of cretins, hacks and angry lesbians such as yourselves! What was I thinking?! Can one of you tell me? [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.
Reporter #6: Um.. why do we have to answer questions?
Donald Rumsfeld: Because it’s my press briefing, and I say so.
Reporter #1: Colin Powell doesn’t make us answer questions.
Donald Rumsfeld: That a fact?
Reporter #4: [ meekly ] Colin Powell is nice.
Donald Rumsfeld: Well, I’m nice, too. If I seem to be tough on you, it’s because I love you. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.
Reporter #3: Uh.. isn’t there a danger that your tough-love approach will make you seem mean, thus losing the support of the Washington press corps as well as the Afghan people?
Donald Rumsfeld: Perhaps in the short run, but one day I suspect they’ll thank me. Any other questions? [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.
Reporter #7: Can you tell us anything about how “Saturday Night Live” plans to open their show this week?
Donald Rumsfeld: No! Any other questions? Nobody? Alright, then, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“