Martha Stewart Living


01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Tomorrow on “Martha Stewart Living”.

Martha Stewart: Succulent turkey, fluffy mashed potatoes, and savory chestnut dressing. I’m Martha Stewart. This year’s Thanksgiving will be particularly meaningful for all red-blooded, properly documented Americans. Tomorrow on “Living”, I’ll show you how to prepare the perfect harvest feast that combines all the culinary traditions of Thanksgiving with all the pageantry and patriotism of Independence Day. Frankly, the idea of these two holidays rolled into one gives me a giant Martha Boner.

I found these gorgeous antique linen serviettes in my China closet, and embroidered them myself with inspirational sayings, like.. [ holds up serviettes ] ..”God Bless America”, “These Colors Don’t Run”, and “Suck It, Osama!” They really are a charming addition to any Thanksgiving place setting.

Also, my friend Clementine Bryberg will be here to show us how to fashion your tradiotional candied yams into an inspirational bust of Vice-President Dick Cheney. [ holds up dish ] I promise you, these yams are as thick and creamy as the real Dick Cheney.

And don’t be afraid to put a patriotic spin on your main course. For example, instead of my usual roast turkey, this year I’ve prepared a juicy 50-pound bald eagle. [ holds up bald eagle platter ] It’s undeniably American, and everyone round your table will be vying for an ample drumstick.

And, in these challenging times, it’s important to remember those who are less fortunate than ourselves. [ holds up packages ] These charming relief packages are sure to delight any Afghan refugee. Just choose a French enamel lunch pail out of your French enamelwear collection, and stock it with necessities. I’ve filled mine with sashets of dry lavender from my herb garden. For the children, a blown glass ornament to make their Christmas special. And, most importantly, some beautiful hand-milled paper so they can write a thank-you note. Garnish the pail with some patriotic ribbon, and these goodies make a charming package to drop on the heads on our frienamies.

So join me tomorrow on “Living”, when we prepare a Thanksgiving for a new reality. And, as a special burn on the Taliban, I’ll wear a bikini top and eat a hot pork sandwich, while I dance to Britney Spears. Freedom. It’s a good thing.

[ dances as Britney Spears music plays ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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