Master Alden…..Will Ferrell
Master Parker…..Jeff Richards
Goody Parker…..Ana Gasteyer
Goody Alden…..Rachel Dratch
Master Jonathan…..Billy Bob Thornton
[ open on exterior, the fist Thanksgiving ]
Master Alden: Pray Thee, Master Parker. Such an abundance of berries, rabbit and foul.
Master Parker: Mmm. ‘Twas no trouble, Master Alden. The woods were ripe with bounty.
Goody Parker: What’s keeping the Wompano tribe? The turkey is getting cold, deep within.
Goody Alden: They come from the knoll with Master Jon! I see them approach through yon thicket![ the flamboyant Master Jonathan and three topless male Indians enter ]
Master Jonathan: Hi ho, everybody! The party starts now! We’ve got corn!
Master Alden: Corn? What in creation is corn?
Master Jonathan: Well, it’s only the most genius food ever! It’s nutritious, it’s decorative – and how much do I love the shape! [ holds up the corn in a phallic fashion ] Are you with me? Now, back to my point. I came to the end of the path, and hello! It’s most beautifully, rustic, shabby, chic Indian village I’ve ever laid eyes upon! I mean, they had gone all out with the dramatic use of lumber, bark, sod, animal skins – swags of animal skins – as doors!
Master Parker: Can we stick to the corn, Master Jon?
Master Jonathan: It’s Jonathan, and don’t rush me. Okay. So here I am in the middle of paradise, surrounded by half-naked, gorgeous people with flawless carmel skin – one of them had a body to die for – and I’m thinking, did I eat poison berries? Because I cannot breathe! That’s when he put it in my mouth –
Goody Parker: [ shrieks ] Ohhhh, Lord! Good Heavens!
Master Jonathan: The corn! The corn! What are you thinking, Goody Gutter Mind? Anyway, as usual, I swallowed –
Goody Parker: [ shrieks ] Ohhhh, God in heaven!
Master Jonathan: The corn! The corn! You’re working on my last nerve. So anyway, I’m eating this corn stuff – which happens to be my favorite color, maize, which later I learned means corn. Mind blower, huh!
Master Alden: Now that we’ve been enlightened more than anyone ever should about the corn, may we all sit down and say a bloessing of thanks?
Master Jonathan: Good idea. A very good idea.[ everyone sits down at the table ]
Master Jonathan: [ admiring Goody Alden’s bonnet ] My God. Goody Alden, where in the world did you get that new bonnet?
Goody Alden: Oh.. I.. I stitched it myself.
Master Jonathan: Hmm. [ snaps finger ] You go, Goody! You wear that bonnet! Those stitches are so even, it looks like you stole it off of Goody Parker’s dead corpse! [ chuckles as everyone gasps ] Oh, where did that come from, Jonathan, that was shady! I’m sorry, low blood sugar makes me into an Uber-bitch!
Master Parker: It’s okay, Jonathan, we are accustomed to how you are. Uh, shall we say grace and enjoy the wonderful blessings of this bounty?
Master Jonathan: Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Please. Excuse me, but what is that? [ points to puny-looking centerpiece ] Please do not tell me that that’s the centerpiece. Who is responsible for this shipwreck? [ elderly Goody meekly raises her hand ] Oh, great, great. The first feast with the natives is being designed by Goody One-Foot-in-the-Grave. Somebody please scoot that sorry-ass arrangement over here before I have an episode! [ Goody Alden hands the centerpiece to Master Jonathan ] Thank you! [ hands the centerpiece to one of the Indians ] Here, hold that!
Goody Parker: Is Master Jonathan courting anyone?
Master Alden: No. I believe he’s a confirmed bachelor.
Goody Alden: Uh.. do you think people are born confirmed bachelors, or choose it because it seems like fun?
Master Parker: I think it is predestined from birth.
Goody Alden: Hmm..[ concerned of his image ] By the way. Me with him.. but me not “with him” with him. [ everyone nods their head in understanding, “We understand, no need to say, etc.”, convinced of his hetereosexuality ] [ Master Jonathan rises up with the improved centerpiece ]
Master Jonathan: Okay! Here we go! That’s better! Now, what I was going for with the peacock feathers was to bring the eye upward so you don’t notice the ale stains on the tablecloth.
Goody Parker: We should partake of the turkey, before it dryeth out.
Master Parker: Let’s bow our heads as Master Alden says grace.[ everyone stands and bows ]
Master Alden: Dear Lord on Heaven. Thank you for the nourishing bounty before us.
Master Jonathan: And?
Master Alden: The.. fellowship we share..
Master Jonathan: And?
Master Alden: [ sighs ]
Everyone: The beautiful centerpiece, Jonathan..
Master Jonathan: [ pleased ] Thank you! Okay. I think we should do this every year. We can call it the Glandtastic Fabu Turkey Gala. Don’t you think?
Master Alden: [ annoyed ] Why don’t we just call it Thanksgiving?
Master Jonathan: Fine. Be boring. Let’s eat. [ to the Indians ] Uh.. would one of you sweaty brutes please, uh.. pull my meat.
Goody Parker: [ shrieks ] Oh, Great Lord!
Master Jonathan: Off the turkey! Off the turkey! I’m so over you people![ fade to black ]