Gay Thanksgiving


01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Gay Thanksgiving

Master Alden…..Will Ferrell
Master Parker…..Jeff Richards
Goody Parker…..Ana Gasteyer
Goody Alden…..Rachel Dratch
Master Jonathan…..Billy Bob Thornton

[ open on exterior, the fist Thanksgiving ]

Master Alden: Pray Thee, Master Parker. Such an abundance of berries, rabbit and foul.

Master Parker: Mmm. ‘Twas no trouble, Master Alden. The woods were ripe with bounty.

Goody Parker: What’s keeping the Wompano tribe? The turkey is getting cold, deep within.

Goody Alden: They come from the knoll with Master Jon! I see them approach through yon thicket!

[ the flamboyant Master Jonathan and three topless male Indians enter ]

Master Jonathan: Hi ho, everybody! The party starts now! We’ve got corn!

Master Alden: Corn? What in creation is corn?

Master Jonathan: Well, it’s only the most genius food ever! It’s nutritious, it’s decorative – and how much do I love the shape! [ holds up the corn in a phallic fashion ] Are you with me? Now, back to my point. I came to the end of the path, and hello! It’s most beautifully, rustic, shabby, chic Indian village I’ve ever laid eyes upon! I mean, they had gone all out with the dramatic use of lumber, bark, sod, animal skins – swags of animal skins – as doors!

Master Parker: Can we stick to the corn, Master Jon?

Master Jonathan: It’s Jonathan, and don’t rush me. Okay. So here I am in the middle of paradise, surrounded by half-naked, gorgeous people with flawless carmel skin – one of them had a body to die for – and I’m thinking, did I eat poison berries? Because I cannot breathe! That’s when he put it in my mouth –

Goody Parker: [ shrieks ] Ohhhh, Lord! Good Heavens!

Master Jonathan: The corn! The corn! What are you thinking, Goody Gutter Mind? Anyway, as usual, I swallowed –

Goody Parker: [ shrieks ] Ohhhh, God in heaven!

Master Jonathan: The corn! The corn! You’re working on my last nerve. So anyway, I’m eating this corn stuff – which happens to be my favorite color, maize, which later I learned means corn. Mind blower, huh!

Master Alden: Now that we’ve been enlightened more than anyone ever should about the corn, may we all sit down and say a bloessing of thanks?

Master Jonathan: Good idea. A very good idea.

[ everyone sits down at the table ]

Master Jonathan: [ admiring Goody Alden’s bonnet ] My God. Goody Alden, where in the world did you get that new bonnet?

Goody Alden: Oh.. I.. I stitched it myself.

Master Jonathan: Hmm. [ snaps finger ] You go, Goody! You wear that bonnet! Those stitches are so even, it looks like you stole it off of Goody Parker’s dead corpse! [ chuckles as everyone gasps ] Oh, where did that come from, Jonathan, that was shady! I’m sorry, low blood sugar makes me into an Uber-bitch!

Master Parker: It’s okay, Jonathan, we are accustomed to how you are. Uh, shall we say grace and enjoy the wonderful blessings of this bounty?

Master Jonathan: Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Please. Excuse me, but what is that? [ points to puny-looking centerpiece ] Please do not tell me that that’s the centerpiece. Who is responsible for this shipwreck? [ elderly Goody meekly raises her hand ] Oh, great, great. The first feast with the natives is being designed by Goody One-Foot-in-the-Grave. Somebody please scoot that sorry-ass arrangement over here before I have an episode! [ Goody Alden hands the centerpiece to Master Jonathan ] Thank you! [ hands the centerpiece to one of the Indians ] Here, hold that!

[ Master Jonathan positions himself benath the table to prepare a more eye-pleasing arrangement ]

Goody Parker: Is Master Jonathan courting anyone?

Master Alden: No. I believe he’s a confirmed bachelor.

Goody Alden: Uh.. do you think people are born confirmed bachelors, or choose it because it seems like fun?

Master Parker: I think it is predestined from birth.

Goody Alden: Hmm..

[ concerned of his image ] By the way. Me with him.. but me not “with him” with him.

[ everyone nods their head in understanding, “We understand, no need to say, etc.”, convinced of his hetereosexuality ] [ Master Jonathan rises up with the improved centerpiece ]

Master Jonathan: Okay! Here we go! That’s better! Now, what I was going for with the peacock feathers was to bring the eye upward so you don’t notice the ale stains on the tablecloth.

Goody Parker: We should partake of the turkey, before it dryeth out.

Master Parker: Let’s bow our heads as Master Alden says grace.

[ everyone stands and bows ]

Master Alden: Dear Lord on Heaven. Thank you for the nourishing bounty before us.

Master Jonathan: And?

Master Alden: The.. fellowship we share..

Master Jonathan: And?

Master Alden: [ sighs ]

Everyone: The beautiful centerpiece, Jonathan..

Master Jonathan: [ pleased ] Thank you! Okay. I think we should do this every year. We can call it the Glandtastic Fabu Turkey Gala. Don’t you think?

Master Alden: [ annoyed ] Why don’t we just call it Thanksgiving?

Master Jonathan: Fine. Be boring. Let’s eat. [ to the Indians ] Uh.. would one of you sweaty brutes please, uh.. pull my meat.

Goody Parker: [ shrieks ] Oh, Great Lord!

Master Jonathan: Off the turkey! Off the turkey! I’m so over you people!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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