Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Harry Potter…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

In a dramatic turn of events, forces of the Northern Alliance this week took control of the Afghan cities of Mazar-i-Sharif, Kabul, Kunduz, Talakan and Herat. By the end of next week, the Pentagon expects the Taliban to have lost control of Jalalabad, Kandahar and their own bowels.

Now that the Taliban is gone, Afghani men are lining up at barber shops and shaving their beards off as a sign of freedom. Unfortunately, most of them are saying, “Make me look like A.J.”

A slew of Harry Potter tie-in merchandise arrives in stores this week. One popular item is a laboratory set which lets kids create magic potions which mystically transforms any carpet into a stained carpet.

Britney Spears’ Nov. 18 live HBO concert will also air on the AmericanForces Network where she will interact with the soldiers via satellite.The soldiers will in turn interact with Britney, via masturbation.

Jimmy Fallon: Speaking of Britney, she’s on the cover of Rolling Stone this week. Can we look at this thing. [ show magazine cover ] Ga-ga-ga-goin! Holy God! Hey, that’s nice. You know, something looks weird there, I think that photo’s doctored. That’s not her cleavage. That’s my ass! [ picture is transformed ] A lot of peopel ask me, and, yes, I do have implants in my ass.

Tina Fey: The highly-anticipated “Harry Potter” opened last night, in a record number of theaters. We are lucky to be joined now, direct from Hogwart’s Academy, by the very famous wizard himself, Mr. Harry Potter!

Harry Potter: Hello, Tina. Hello, Jimmy.

Tina Fey: Hello, Harry. Now, Hogwart’s, as I understand, is a school for wizards and witches. So, would you mind showing us some of your magic and wizardry?

Harry Potter: Oh, not at all! This is a trick I learned from the esteemed Mrs. McGonigle. It’s called The Mummy’s Finger. [ holds up box with his thumb sticking through a hole ] Look! It’s alive! Only those who have mastered the dark arts can perform this feat of sorcery!

Tina Fey: Yeah, uh.. I think I saw my nephew do that at a birthday party once. Do you have anything else?

Harry Potter: Oh, yes! This is a feat I learned from the dasterdly Severous Snake! [ holds up pencil ] Now.. this appears to be an ordinary pencil, but in the hands of a Gryffindor Wizard.. [ shakes pencil to make it look like rubber ] ..it becomes a rubber pencil!

Tina Fey: That’s how you fought a three-headed dog? By going like this? [ shakes her pencil to make it look like rubber ]

Harry Potter: Oh, Tina! You are a wizard, too!

Tina Fey: No! I’m not a wizard! There’s got to be something else. How about something from the School of Clairvoyance?

Harry Potter: Oh, I’m glad you asked, Tina! Pick a number between 1 and 3.

Tina Fey: [ puzzled ] 2?

Harry Potter: Oh! I knew you would pick 2, Tina! Not bad, huh?

Tina Fey: It’s stupid! There’s only one number between 1 and 3! It’s terrible! Harry, these tricks are lame, are you okay?

Harry Potter: [ crying ] It shows, doesn’t it? I’m so tired, I can’t take it any more! I can’t hide it!

Tina Fey: Did he who cannot be named zap your energy?

Harry Potter: No! I’ve been on a press junket for 73 days! All I do is make appearances! Last week, I was supposed to study with Hermionie, but my agent made me go with Andy Dick to the Shakira record release party! My cellphone’s ringing off the hook, those quags at Warner Bros. are riding my ass, and I’m supposed to catch the Golden Snitch?!

Tina Fey: Harry, I’m sorry. We didn’t realize you were under so much pressure.

Harry Potter: Well, I am! 125 million kids have read my book! If the movie isn’t good, they’re going to rip me a new one that no magic wand can repair!

Tina Fey: Good luck. You want to do one more trick before you go?

Harry Potter: Yeah, here’s a trick! I’ll make myself disappear! Whoosh! Whoosh! Happy now, you bloodsuckers! Whoosh! Whoosh! [ exits desk area ]

Tina Fey: Harry Potter, everyone.

Researchers say that men with short legs have an increased risk of heart disease and a condition that could lead to diabetes. Will Charlie Brown never win? You blocked artery head!

After the Northern Alliance freed cities formerly under Taliban control, for the first time in more than two years, women took off their veils and walked freely in the streets. Those whores.

A man named Harley Utz died Monday at the age of 103, ending his 83-year-long marriage, the longest on record. On the upside, at last we can be together, Mrs. Utz!

An all-white fraternity at the University of Alabama has admitted a back member, becoming the first Greek organization to break the school’s color barrier. To the fraternity, we say kudos; and to the new African-American frat brother, we say.. [ whispering ] ..”Be careful. It might be a trap.”

The Victoria’s Secret fashion show was televised Thursday night on ABC. Among the celebrities in attendance was billionaire Donald Trump checking out the new fall line of girlfriends.

The fashion show featured the heavenly star bra, which cost $2.5 million, with matching diamond-encrusted thong panties for $750,000. Thanks, Victoria’s Secret, but the only way I’m putting $750,000 worth of diamonds in my ass is if the Nazis are coming.

Finally tonight, in a small town in Germany this week, a man who was so drunk he couldn’t walk, was stopped by polie after borrowing his father’s electric wheelchair to go buy more liquor. He may be under arrest, but he still gets our “Winners Never Quit” award.

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts