A Message From Attorney-General John Ashcroft


01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

A Message From Attorney-General John Ashcroft

John Ashcroft…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

John Ashcroft: Good evening, America. In the past several weeks, we’ve made significant advances in the war against terrorists forces in Afghanistan. But it’s important to remember that victory against the Taliban will not mean the end of this conflict. Evildoers everyhere should know the noose is tightening on them, as the 1,100 suspected terroists now in our custody have already found out.

The President’s message is clear – if you harbor terrorists within your borders, you are a terrorist.

If you refuse to freeze the assets of organizations known to aid terrorists, you are a terrorist.

If you traffic in weapons of mass destruction, you are a terrorist.

If the return address on your mail reads “A Cave”.. you just might be a terrorist.

If you have just renewed your subscription to a magazine called “Nerve Gas Weekly”, you just might be a terrorist.

If you have a bumper sticker that says “My Child Is An Honor Student At Osama bin Laden’s Terroist Training Camp”, well there exists the outside chance that you might a terrorist!

[ looks up as President George W. Bush enters ] Mr. President!

President George W. Bush: John, I just wanted to come out here and say that I appreciate you getting my message across. But you’re starting to sound just a little like Jeff Foxworthy.

John Ashcroft: I’m sorry, Mr. President, I’m..

President George W. Bush: Hey, hey, sorry nothing! That’s a good thing! I love that guy! You mind if I give it a try?

John Ashcroft: Oh no, of course not.

President George W. Bush: Hello, America. These are trying times. But defeat is not an option. Make no mistake – we will prevail. And let this be a warning – if you have a really long beard, and hang out in the desert, and are not ZZ Top.. you just might be a terrorist.

If your Christmas cards says, “Season’s Greetings, you’ve got anthrax!” maybe, just maybe, you might be a terrorist.

John Ashcroft: If your idea of getting stoned involves actual stones, I’d say that you should investigate the possibility that you might be a terrorist.

President George W. Bush: That’s a good one! If you are most familiar with me, George W., as a burning mannequin, perchance you could possibly be a terrorist.

John Ashcroft: If your idea of female nudity is showing an excess of forehead, all signs point to your being a terrorist.

President George W. Bush: If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish, you just might be a redneck! Sorry, folks, that one kind of got away from me! But you get the point.

In conclusion, there’s only one thing we need to remember – that if it’s 11:30, and you’re not watching Algazeera, you just might be “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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