Dealing with Mom & Dad

01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Dealing with Mom & Dad

Mom…..Ana Gasteyer
Patrick…..Chris Kattan
Bridget…..Amy Poehler
Dad…..Will Ferrell
…..Derek Jeter
Seth…..Seth Meyers
Justin…..Jimmy Fallon


Singers: (singing over footage)
“There’s already too much to deal with
With school and a sister that drives you mad
But the hardest part of being swell
Is dealing with your mom and dad
Dealing with Mom & Dad!”

[Patrick enters the house, Mom rushes out to greet him]

Mom: How’d the game go today, Patrick?

Patrick: Don’t ask.

Bridget: Sounds like he struck out every time!

Mom: [sternly] Bridget, be nice.

Patrick: Besides, I screwed up so bad last week that they wouldn’t even let me play.

Mom: Oh, it’s okay, honey. Do you want some marshmallow squares?

Patrick: No, thanks, I’d probably screw that up too.

[Dad comes in the door]

Mom: Gary! You’re home early!

Dad: Well, I’ve got a client in the car and I just stopped by to pick up some important papers. [to Patrick] How’d the game go, champ?

Patrick: It didn’t.

Bridget: They wouldn’t let him play because he stinks! P.U.!

Mom: [sternly] Bridget!

Dad: Maybe I can help…

Patrick: Nothing personal, Dad, but you know about marketing, not baseball.

Dad: Oh, really? [opens the door for Derek] Patrick, Bridget, say hello to my friend, Derek Jeter!

Derek Jeter: [enters the house] Hey kids!

Bridget: Oh my god! If I was fifteen, I would SO have sex with you!

Mom: [sternly] Bridget!

Dad: Derek, I was just wondering if you could give Patrick some baseball tips.

Derek Jeter: Sure, what seems to be the problem?

Patrick: All the kids hate me, ‘cause last time I played, I struck out three times.

Derek Jeter: Don’t worry, I’ve done that lots of times. We’ll go out in the yard and I’ll see if I can give you some pointers.

Patrick: [enthusiastic] Cool!

[they exit]

Mom: I didn’t know you knew Derek Jeter.

Dad: Well, I do, and I think this is the confidence builder Patrick needs.

[Derek and Patrick enter]

Dad: Well, that was quick!

Derek Jeter: [apologetic] Hey man, your kid sucks.

Mom: You weren’t out there very long!

Derek Jeter: Trust me, I can’t help him. [To Dad] Let’s go, Gary.

Dad: Wait! He…he can’t be that bad!

Derek Jeter: I’ve never seen anyone worse and I work with blind kids.

Dad: Ouch! That bad, huh?

Derek Jeter: Has he even seen a baseball before? Was he brought up in Europe or something.

Dad: Listen, Derek, all the other kids pick on him. Can’t you help him?

Derek Jeter: You know what, I can’t help him. Come here kid. [To Patrick] Don’t play baseball, ‘cause you suck! Now let’s roll, Gary!

Dad: I guess we have to go.

Mom: Gary! Do something!

Patrick: No mom, he’s right. I’m crummy! I guess I’d better get used to all those kids making fun of me.

Derek Jeter: Aw, heck, I don’t usually do this, but I guess I could show you my secret technique, but it’s not easy.

Patrick: I’ll work really, really hard, Mr. Jeter!

Derek Jeter: Then maybe, just maybe, we can pull this off.

[they exit]

Mom: Oh, I hope he can help!

Dad: He will!

Mom: You think so?

Dad: I think he will!

Mom: Oh, honey! [they embrace]

[Cut to the benches at a baseball game]

Patrick: [approaching a group of boys with Derek] Hey fellas! Mind if I play?

Seth: The girls are playing on the other field.

Justin: Yeah, we don’t pitch underhand here.

Derek Jeter: Why don’t you give him a chance?

Justin: Wow, Derek Jeter! Yeah, whatever you say, it’s okay with me!

Derek Jeter: [to Patrick] Remember the secret technique. Now, go get ‘em, slugger!

Patrick: Okay, Mr. Jeter.

[Patrick starts hitting the boys with his bat]

Derek Jeter: Wait…you have to keep the back part down…

[Patrick continues to hit until a police siren interrupts him.]

Patrick: That’s the cops! We’d better get outta here!

Derek Jeter: Don’t worry. If they catch us, I’ll just get Steinburg to pay them off again!

Patrick: Right. Mr. Jeter, thanks for helping me.

Derek Jeter: My pleasure. You’re a good kid, Patrick, never forget that!

Patrick: I won’t.

[Derek begins hitting the boys]

[Cut to Patrick and Dad in the living room]

Dad: …and then Derek swung the aluminum bat into Justin’s spine? [laughs] That’s priceless!

Patrick: It was funny! I like baseball!

Dad: Sounds like you learned a lot from Mr. Jeter.

Patrick: I sure did. He taught me that if you can’t join ‘em…beat ‘em!

Announcer: Next time, on Dealing with Mom and Dad…

[footage is shown with credits]

Patrick: [anxious] I…I…I’m not sure I’m…

Derek Jeter: You got the matches?

Patrick: I don’t know if we should do this or not.

Derek Jeter: Remember, she’s the one who broke up with you, so she deserves it.

Patrick: I guess you’re right.

Announcer: That’s next time!

[fade]

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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