Dealing with Mom & Dad

01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Dealing with Mom & Dad

Mom…..Ana Gasteyer
Patrick…..Chris Kattan
Bridget…..Amy Poehler
Dad…..Will Ferrell
…..Derek Jeter
Seth…..Seth Meyers
Justin…..Jimmy Fallon


Singers: (singing over footage)
“There’s already too much to deal with
With school and a sister that drives you mad
But the hardest part of being swell
Is dealing with your mom and dad
Dealing with Mom & Dad!”

[Patrick enters the house, Mom rushes out to greet him]

Mom: How’d the game go today, Patrick?

Patrick: Don’t ask.

Bridget: Sounds like he struck out every time!

Mom: [sternly] Bridget, be nice.

Patrick: Besides, I screwed up so bad last week that they wouldn’t even let me play.

Mom: Oh, it’s okay, honey. Do you want some marshmallow squares?

Patrick: No, thanks, I’d probably screw that up too.

[Dad comes in the door]

Mom: Gary! You’re home early!

Dad: Well, I’ve got a client in the car and I just stopped by to pick up some important papers. [to Patrick] How’d the game go, champ?

Patrick: It didn’t.

Bridget: They wouldn’t let him play because he stinks! P.U.!

Mom: [sternly] Bridget!

Dad: Maybe I can help…

Patrick: Nothing personal, Dad, but you know about marketing, not baseball.

Dad: Oh, really? [opens the door for Derek] Patrick, Bridget, say hello to my friend, Derek Jeter!

Derek Jeter: [enters the house] Hey kids!

Bridget: Oh my god! If I was fifteen, I would SO have sex with you!

Mom: [sternly] Bridget!

Dad: Derek, I was just wondering if you could give Patrick some baseball tips.

Derek Jeter: Sure, what seems to be the problem?

Patrick: All the kids hate me, ‘cause last time I played, I struck out three times.

Derek Jeter: Don’t worry, I’ve done that lots of times. We’ll go out in the yard and I’ll see if I can give you some pointers.

Patrick: [enthusiastic] Cool!

[they exit]

Mom: I didn’t know you knew Derek Jeter.

Dad: Well, I do, and I think this is the confidence builder Patrick needs.

[Derek and Patrick enter]

Dad: Well, that was quick!

Derek Jeter: [apologetic] Hey man, your kid sucks.

Mom: You weren’t out there very long!

Derek Jeter: Trust me, I can’t help him. [To Dad] Let’s go, Gary.

Dad: Wait! He…he can’t be that bad!

Derek Jeter: I’ve never seen anyone worse and I work with blind kids.

Dad: Ouch! That bad, huh?

Derek Jeter: Has he even seen a baseball before? Was he brought up in Europe or something.

Dad: Listen, Derek, all the other kids pick on him. Can’t you help him?

Derek Jeter: You know what, I can’t help him. Come here kid. [To Patrick] Don’t play baseball, ‘cause you suck! Now let’s roll, Gary!

Dad: I guess we have to go.

Mom: Gary! Do something!

Patrick: No mom, he’s right. I’m crummy! I guess I’d better get used to all those kids making fun of me.

Derek Jeter: Aw, heck, I don’t usually do this, but I guess I could show you my secret technique, but it’s not easy.

Patrick: I’ll work really, really hard, Mr. Jeter!

Derek Jeter: Then maybe, just maybe, we can pull this off.

[they exit]

Mom: Oh, I hope he can help!

Dad: He will!

Mom: You think so?

Dad: I think he will!

Mom: Oh, honey! [they embrace]

[Cut to the benches at a baseball game]

Patrick: [approaching a group of boys with Derek] Hey fellas! Mind if I play?

Seth: The girls are playing on the other field.

Justin: Yeah, we don’t pitch underhand here.

Derek Jeter: Why don’t you give him a chance?

Justin: Wow, Derek Jeter! Yeah, whatever you say, it’s okay with me!

Derek Jeter: [to Patrick] Remember the secret technique. Now, go get ‘em, slugger!

Patrick: Okay, Mr. Jeter.

[Patrick starts hitting the boys with his bat]

Derek Jeter: Wait…you have to keep the back part down…

[Patrick continues to hit until a police siren interrupts him.]

Patrick: That’s the cops! We’d better get outta here!

Derek Jeter: Don’t worry. If they catch us, I’ll just get Steinburg to pay them off again!

Patrick: Right. Mr. Jeter, thanks for helping me.

Derek Jeter: My pleasure. You’re a good kid, Patrick, never forget that!

Patrick: I won’t.

[Derek begins hitting the boys]

[Cut to Patrick and Dad in the living room]

Dad: …and then Derek swung the aluminum bat into Justin’s spine? [laughs] That’s priceless!

Patrick: It was funny! I like baseball!

Dad: Sounds like you learned a lot from Mr. Jeter.

Patrick: I sure did. He taught me that if you can’t join ‘em…beat ‘em!

Announcer: Next time, on Dealing with Mom and Dad…

[footage is shown with credits]

Patrick: [anxious] I…I…I’m not sure I’m…

Derek Jeter: You got the matches?

Patrick: I don’t know if we should do this or not.

Derek Jeter: Remember, she’s the one who broke up with you, so she deserves it.

Patrick: I guess you’re right.

Announcer: That’s next time!

[fade]

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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