Dealing with Mom & Dad
[Patrick enters the house, Mom rushes out to greet him]
Singers: (singing over footage)
“Theres already too much to deal with
With school and a sister that drives you mad
But the hardest part of being swell
Is dealing with your mom and dad
Dealing with Mom & Dad!”
Mom: Howd the game go today, Patrick?
Patrick: Dont ask.
Bridget: Sounds like he struck out every time!
Mom: [sternly] Bridget, be nice.
Patrick: Besides, I screwed up so bad last week that they wouldnt even let me play.
Mom: Oh, its okay, honey. Do you want some marshmallow squares?
Patrick: No, thanks, Id probably screw that up too.[Dad comes in the door]
Mom: Gary! Youre home early!
Dad: Well, Ive got a client in the car and I just stopped by to pick up some important papers. [to Patrick] Howd the game go, champ?
Patrick: It didnt.
Bridget: They wouldnt let him play because he stinks! P.U.!
Mom: [sternly] Bridget!
Dad: Maybe I can help
Patrick: Nothing personal, Dad, but you know about marketing, not baseball.
Dad: Oh, really? [opens the door for Derek] Patrick, Bridget, say hello to my friend, Derek Jeter!
Derek Jeter: [enters the house] Hey kids!
Bridget: Oh my god! If I was fifteen, I would SO have sex with you!
Mom: [sternly] Bridget!
Dad: Derek, I was just wondering if you could give Patrick some baseball tips.
Derek Jeter: Sure, what seems to be the problem?
Patrick: All the kids hate me, cause last time I played, I struck out three times.
Derek Jeter: Dont worry, Ive done that lots of times. Well go out in the yard and Ill see if I can give you some pointers.
Patrick: [enthusiastic] Cool![they exit]
Mom: I didnt know you knew Derek Jeter.
Dad: Well, I do, and I think this is the confidence builder Patrick needs.[Derek and Patrick enter]
Dad: Well, that was quick!
Derek Jeter: [apologetic] Hey man, your kid sucks.
Mom: You werent out there very long!
Derek Jeter: Trust me, I cant help him. [To Dad] Lets go, Gary.
Dad: Wait! He he cant be that bad!
Derek Jeter: Ive never seen anyone worse and I work with blind kids.
Dad: Ouch! That bad, huh?
Derek Jeter: Has he even seen a baseball before? Was he brought up in Europe or something.
Dad: Listen, Derek, all the other kids pick on him. Cant you help him?
Derek Jeter: You know what, I cant help him. Come here kid. [To Patrick] Dont play baseball, cause you suck! Now lets roll, Gary!
Dad: I guess we have to go.
Mom: Gary! Do something!
Patrick: No mom, hes right. Im crummy! I guess Id better get used to all those kids making fun of me.
Derek Jeter: Aw, heck, I dont usually do this, but I guess I could show you my secret technique, but its not easy.
Patrick: Ill work really, really hard, Mr. Jeter!
Derek Jeter: Then maybe, just maybe, we can pull this off.[they exit]
Mom: Oh, I hope he can help!
Dad: He will!
Mom: You think so?
Dad: I think he will!
Mom: Oh, honey! [they embrace][Cut to the benches at a baseball game]
Patrick: [approaching a group of boys with Derek] Hey fellas! Mind if I play?
Seth: The girls are playing on the other field.
Justin: Yeah, we dont pitch underhand here.
Derek Jeter: Why dont you give him a chance?
Justin: Wow, Derek Jeter! Yeah, whatever you say, its okay with me!
Derek Jeter: [to Patrick] Remember the secret technique. Now, go get em, slugger!
Patrick: Okay, Mr. Jeter.[Patrick starts hitting the boys with his bat]
Derek Jeter: Wait you have to keep the back part down[Patrick continues to hit until a police siren interrupts him.]
Patrick: Thats the cops! Wed better get outta here!
Derek Jeter: Dont worry. If they catch us, Ill just get Steinburg to pay them off again!
Patrick: Right. Mr. Jeter, thanks for helping me.
Derek Jeter: My pleasure. Youre a good kid, Patrick, never forget that!
Patrick: I wont.[Derek begins hitting the boys] [Cut to Patrick and Dad in the living room]
Dad: and then Derek swung the aluminum bat into Justins spine? [laughs] Thats priceless!
Patrick: It was funny! I like baseball!
Dad: Sounds like you learned a lot from Mr. Jeter.
Patrick: I sure did. He taught me that if you cant join em beat em!
Announcer: Next time, on Dealing with Mom and Dad[footage is shown with credits]
Patrick: [anxious] I I Im not sure Im
Derek Jeter: You got the matches?
Patrick: I dont know if we should do this or not.
Derek Jeter: Remember, shes the one who broke up with you, so she deserves it.
Patrick: I guess youre right.
Announcer: Thats next time![fade]
Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!