Derek Jeter’s Monologue
Female Audience Member…..Paula Pell
Derek Jeter: Welcome to the show, my name is Derek Jeter! For those of you who may not know, I play baseball for a living. More specifically, I play shortshop for the New York Yankees. The Yankees have won three World Championships over the past three years, and this year we would have won a fourth, but the other team came from behind and beat us in the ninth, which you shouldn’t be allowed to do.
But, despite all the success we’ve had, there’s one thing I’ve never forgotten – it’s the fans that put us on top. Tonight, I’d like to give just a little something to the Yankees fans who have given us so much over the years. Let me ask you – what’s the one thing a baseball fan wants mroe than anything? [ audience members shout out a few answers ] It’s to be sitting in the stands and to catch a foul ball. So, tonight, I’d like to give the baseball fans right here in “Saturday Night Live”‘s grandstands the opportunity to catch a real major league ball. You guys ready?
[ Jeter hits a baseball into the audience, which smacks into a male audience member’s forehead ]
[ Jeter’s second baseball bounces off of a female audience’s members knee, putting her in pain ]
Derek Jeter: Here you go!
[ he smacks a baseball into the audience, which bounces off a second female audience member’s nose ]
Female Audience Member: Ow! My nose! Ow-w-w.. [ blood pours from her face ]
Derek Jeter: How about up there!
[ he smacks another baseball, which smashes into some overhead lights ]
Derek Jeter: I’m just getting warmed up!
[ a series of baseballs repeatedly hit a male audience member who attempts to flee from the studio, but he ends up falling down and throwing up instead ]
Derek Jeter: Here comes one!
[ Jeter smacks a ball into the cue card guy, who drops all his cue cards on the floor ]
[ Jeter smacks a ball into the stands, where an excited audience members lunges over the balcony in an attempt to catch the ball. He misses and falls to the floor instead. ]
[ Jeter swings at a baseball, but misses and accidentally sends the bat flying into the audience. It impales the chest of a man sitting in the front row. ]
Derek Jeter: You can keep that bat, sir, as a souvenier. It’s okay, there’s no need to thank me. As I said, it’s I who should be thanking you. As soon as I get another bat, I’ll knock the rest of these balls into the audience. You folks at home stick around, we’ve got Shakira, Bubba Sparxxx, we’ll be right back!
[ Jeter smacks a baseball into the camera, cracking the lens ]